Ask Max Monday: October Chill

Ask Max Monday

Dear Max, my doggie minion, Bessie the Basset, has a weird fettish. She keeps rubbing herself up against my human’s leg most evenings! It is so-o rude & crude! Has she no decency? Has she no dignity, no self respect?! Does she not know that she is a female & a “fixed” old doggie to boot? What the freak? Have you ever been around such behavior? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, after all she is a D-O-G & they don’t seem to have ANY manners whatsoever! -Your chat noir pal, Valentine

Um…I’m trying to get a mental picture here. Like, if she’s just rubbing against a leg like a at would, it’s probably learned behavior. She sees you do it, it must be good. Because the cats always know the right stuff to do, and she groks that.

But if she’s rubbing something else? Uhhhhhhh maybe it’s an itch and she can’t scratch it herself. Does she whine when she pees? Maybe she’s irritated or has a UTI.

Or, the most likely thing, she’s just physically telling your human to frak off. Which, thinking about it, is a very cat-like thing to do.

Hi Max,

We live in the beautiful tropics of Australia, but the last few years it’s been quite dry. We are currently having some lovely much needed rain and my Cat is going absolutely crazy!! She is getting quite vocal at the rain and doing all sorts of zoomies around the place!! She even ventured out into the rain and then yelled at me cause she got wet.
Max, what is it about the rain that sends cats a little loopy?

Lots of Love, a confused cat mum

Well, think about it. If you rarely see rain, you forget about it, and then =BAM= all the suddenly the sky is freaking peeing all over EVERYTHING and there’s not a lot you can do about it except go outside and yell at the sky because that’s freaking GROSS. And when no one out there pays attention, you gotta go back inside and yell at the closest person, because you’re all guilty by association and you did NOTHING to stop it from happening.

Or it might be because when it rains the air feels all cool and tingly and what else is a guy gonna do but celebrate?

But really, I think it’s the peeing thing.

Stop letting that happen.

MAX I HEARD THE STICKY PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE COMING OVER AND ASKING FOR CANDY NEXT WEEK AND I DON’T WANT THEM TO SO WHAT DO I DO?

Dood. Take a deep breath and chill. Like, for real. Go chill in the closet that night, and pretend none of it is happening. It’s only one night a year, and it makes the sticky little introoders happy, and it even makes the grown ups happy because they get to see the kids all dressed up, and then they get to eat the leftover candy.

So, yeah. Closet. That’s where I’ll be.

(Be prepared for coming-out-of-the-closet jokes. People think they’re funny.)

((They are not.))

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook.

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (1)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Max…the sky is peeing?!? Really?!?
    MOL!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers