Ask Max Monday: Oh, Brother

Ask Max Monday Max – we haz a question. So…we have the colds here, then the slightly warms, then the colds, then warms…. mom mutters something about Mother Nature taking a pill. Can that be done? We would like to live with permanent kind of warms so the windows can be open all the time. That would have to be a mighty big pill. Like, how would one get it to her mouth? One of those cranes they use to build skyscrapers? Catapult? Rocket launcher? And dood, what if it’s something she has to take every day? Someone brave would have to be hired for that. It’s great job security but I imagine if she gets really annoyed by it, there would be repercussions. It might be way easier to enact the M-word and relocate to Hawaii. Hi Buddah! What do you do when Max isn’t happy? Because sometimes Yuan is a butthead and growling doesn’t seem to deter him. Any advice? Maggie Buddah is back in the closet. That’s what happens when I’m not happy. He goes in, I close the door. Sure, he’s going to shred the carpet on the floor, but that’s not my problem. Deer Max, I wants a little bruver I can play wif. My older grouchy seester sez no way doo we need anuver wild man major annoyance running around the house, but I fink she’s really afraid I won’t cuddle wif her anymore when it’s cold. The hoomans say our house is too small, an we’d haf to get anuver sandbox an there’s no room (but one uv ‘em secretly likes the idea.) How doo I conbince dem if one uv me is adorable, two would be even better? Lubs, Mr. Buttons (cuz I is cyoot as one.) Dood. Oh, dood. Little brothers seem like a good idea…until you actually get one. Once they’re there, you can’t get rid of them. You can’t give them away or send them back. All the sudden your nice, quiet life becomes loud, your naps always interrupted, and dood…a little brother will try to ride your asterisk down the hall like a pony. It’s undignified, let me tell you. Trust me, your life is much better without one. Deer Max, My annoying little bruver is petitioning the hoomans for anuver little bruver. I fink I have put up wif enuff tolerating him. I even break down sumtimes and let him cuddle wif me when he is cold. He is not greatful, and jumps on me wen I lease ekspeks it.  I’m not sure if a new bruver would get Mr. Buttons off my back, or make him forget I am Queen. I don’t gets enuff respek around here. Yours, Queen Chetcha Dood! Consider the upside! If you got a new little brother, your current one would have someone else to focus on, and the quality of your naps would greatly improve. They could run up and down the hall together, playing pony, and they could scramble around the house while you watch from your nice, soft, relaxing place. And if you got a new little brother, Mr. Buttons would jump on HIM and not you. And they would never, EVER forget that you’re the Queen. They’ll be too busy to event think much beyond what game they’ll play next. Trust me, your life will be so much better with one. Hey Max, Why the bejibbity won’t my people let me have butter? It’s amazing. They eat it. Why can’t I? I dunno, dood. Buddah gets to lick the Woman’s butter knife when she has toast and it hasn’t hurt him yet. And if your people stopped to think about it, they’d let you have it. It’s nice and greasy and slicks up your insides, which makes for some awesomely glorious poops. It shoots right now, no pushing or grunting or anything. Just =blam= and there it is. Tell them that. By denying you the butter, they’re robbing you of some of the most majestic poops a guy can ever take.

Got a question for me? You can leave it in the comments below, or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook.

 

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Max…..so our mom keeps taking the kitten out “shopping” to keep her “socialized”. WTF?

  2. also, you get to blame the new little brother for everything

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