Ask Max Monday: Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, Your Ornaments Are History…

Ask Max Monday

My plans are to read "The Emperor of San Francisco" over the holiday break.  Is there anything I should know before I dive in?  Tips or storylines that may ease my transition into your book world?

Really, there’s not anything you need to know. It’s light science fiction and takes place in the future; I sort of envision it as being in an alternate universe, though that’s not really part of the story. The books tend to flow into each other, picking up where the one before leaves off, so for the first three, at least, they need to be read in order.

If you keep going, there are two books in the middle that are more adult than the first three—hence, it’s called Wick After Dark—and if that’s not your thing, you can probably skip them and pick up with The Whens of Wick…though then you miss a great love story and a stellar wedding reception nearly ruined by a fly.

The whole series has been wicked fun to write…I hope you dig the first book enough to keep going.

Glad you are better.  Any advice for how to get a cat to quit her unprovoked attacks on the dogs? One of the dogs will be lying across the room or in another room and she just runs over and starts in, scares them half to death.

Dang, usually it’s the other way around, what to do about dogs scaring the cats.

Cats are gonna do what cats are gonna do…your best bet is probably to put a bell on the cat so the dogs hear her coming. At least then they can brace for impact. Oh, it’ll drive you bat-crap crazy because of the constant tinkle tinkle tinkle, but the dogs will be able to relax once they learn that tinkle tinkle tinkle = incoming feline missile.

Max, how do you trane yer humans to put the sparkly tree balls in the RIGHT SPOT ON THE  TREE? Like, near the bottom where we can reach em? Our woman puts the ugly wood and cardbord ornaments at the bottom, and all the glittery glassy sparkle balls ware we can't reach 'em. I got in a lotta trubbles las year for making the tree go boom on the floor, so I am really stuk in the horns of a dillemma!!! Halp!!!

Dood, it takes a couple years to train them. Like, you have to ignore the tree for a year or two until they relax, and then a whole other year after they actually put the sparkly balls on the lower part of the tree. If you don’t want to wait that long, I suggest either climbing the tree to get to the good stuff—use the inner branches, because the outer ones will go sproing and you’ll flip off—or picking a nice spot nearby to launch yourself at the tree.

You might need to work your way up to this. Practice launching at things on bathroom counters, bedroom dressers, and the top of the refrigerator. It should only take a few days of dedicated exercise to make sure you have the strength, endurance, and flexibility to scale the tree and reach the wonders it holds up high, and dood, it’s totally worth it.

Now, sure, the tree will go =boom= again, but that’s not your fault. It’s the fault of the person who knew that you’d taken one down before and didn’t tether it to the wall. [people…eyehook + sturdy fishing line = upright tree. Just sayin’] Be sure to swat the shiny things super hard, and you can send them flying clear across the room.

Max…how come the Christmas tree is only in the house for a couple weeks? It’s beautiful and I want it to stay.

The tree goes away because people are cheap, and they don’t want to keep paying for the electricity to run the lights. Also, if you have a real tree, it gets kinda dead and becomes a fire hazard, and people are averse to seeing it go up in flames. But mostly, it’s cheapness.

Dood, you got any new year resolutions?

Sure. In 2019 I’m going to run a marathon, lose 30 pounds, win a Nobel Prize, and then the lottery.

No, just kidding. I resolve to eat all the things, watch the only Doctor Who episode we get for 2019, and write a couple more books. And stay healthy. I kinda want to do that.

Kinda want you all to do that, too.

 

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (7)

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  1. Max, we all want you to stay healthy!  Hope that you are eating all of your food.  Thank you for the tips on your book series; I look foward to reading them!

  2. KesterGayle says:

    So glad you and your snark are feelin' groovy again!  Happy holidays, and have many, MANY healthy New Years to come.  Love ya!

  3. messymimi says:

    My hope is we all stay healthy, too.  Belling the cat is a great idea, Mikey already has one, it’s time for The Charismatic Enigma Quadpod SissyCat to get hers.  

     

    One of my clients leaves her fake tree up all year, and decorates it for every season.  Maybe for the sake of felines everywhere, more people need to do that.

  4. Chip Hauckcat says:

    My Dood furend, wishing the stuff back at you!! You are a really smart cat!!

  5. Erin the Cat says:

    Dear Max, I have just travelled back in time from Wednesday, and your post about last minute gift ideas, and have to say that you have some great ideas coming up. So definitely need to visit them and get them on your list ASAP. My question for you is. . .  OK two questions are: What gifts do you really want and why? 2) What do you plan to be doing Boxing Day, assuming there is no turkey left over and all the nip is gone…

    Purrs ERin

    PS, if I knew this time travelling malarky was so easy I would have done it sooner 😉

     

  6. Zenith says:

    Max, I got a big problem. That kitten I've been forced to live with has been grabbing my pressies under da tree and trying to open them. I'm worried that my people will think it's ME who's doing that naughty thing, and then I won't git more stuff frum Santa. Plus, now my pressies have kitten spit on them and WHO WANTS TO TOUCH THAT??????

  7. TRIPPER says:

    MAX I NEED YER ADVICE. THOZE STOOPID KITTENS ARE CONSTANTLY ROLLIN OVER TO GET MY PEEPLE TO RUB THARE BELLEHS. THE STOOPID PEEPLE RUB THARE TUMMS AND THEN SNORGLE THEM….AND THE STOOPID KITTENS ***LIKE*** IT!!! I MEEN, TUMMEHS AND ALL THE UNDERPARTS ARE SUPPOST TO BE OFF LIMITS, RITE? I'M VARY KUNSERNED THARE MITE BE A SNORGLE IN MY FUTURE. HOO WILL FEED ME MY TREETS IF I HAVE TO MERDER A SNORGLER?

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