Ask Max Monday: Oops, I Did It Again…Redux

Ask Max Monday

Okay. I have no idea what happened last week. I was 99% sure I’d answered questions, but to my surprise I had not. It’s not even like the Woman was out celebrating or anything and wasn’t home to turn the computer on for me. We just kinda spaced out. Chances are we got caught up in the Doctor Who marathon, but honestly, I dunno. Hopefully you were all too busy with holiday things to notice.

* * *

MAX I NEED YER ADVICE. THOZE STOOPID KITTENS ARE CONSTANTLY ROLLIN OVER TO GET MY PEEPLE TO RUB THARE BELLEHS. THE STOOPID PEEPLE RUB THARE TUMMS AND THEN SNORGLE THEM….AND THE STOOPID KITTENS ***LIKE*** IT!!! I MEEN, TUMMEHS AND ALL THE UNDERPARTS ARE SUPPOST TO BE OFF LIMITS, RITE? I'M VARY KUNSERNED THARE MITE BE A SNORGLE IN MY FUTURE. HOO WILL FEED ME MY TREETS IF I HAVE TO MERDER A SNORGLER?

Dood, you don’t have to murder the snorgler…just draw blood. Like, lots of blood. When that hand has barely touched your tender, juicy, exposed belly, grab their arm with your mighty paws and then chomp down as hard as you can. You want to get them just above the wrist, where the flesh is softer, and where there are veins that will splurt like crazy and have them screaming about their precious carpet. And then their clothes. And then you’ll get called “You furry little b4$t$d!” but it’s totally worth it.

Do that, and it’ll only happen once.

Do it with a high volume of growling, and the kittens will notice, get all excited, realize what great fun getting the people to holler like that is, and the next time they get snorgled? Game on!

Max, I got a big problem. That kitten I've been forced to live with has been grabbing my pressies under da tree and trying to open them. I'm worried that my people will think it's ME who's doing that naughty thing, and then I won't git more stuff frum Santa. Plus, now my pressies have kitten spit on them and WHO WANTS TO TOUCH THAT??????

Well, I’m super late with this, but by now you probably know that Santa sees all and knows who got into the presents and didn’t hold it against you. He’s pretty cool like that.

Of course, this week he’s on vacation and not paying attention, so give the kitten a smackdown and then pull ornaments off the tree and blame it on him. Maybe climb it, too. It’s a freaking year-end free-for-all, when behavior doesn’t matter and Santa’s not keeping points.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, DOODS!!!

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook

 

 

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Max, we get worried when we don't hear from you, but it's understandable to get a bit forgetful at this time of year!  Happy 'Mew' Year!

     

  2. Pete Hartley says:

    Great Answers Max, We all wish you and your family a very happy new year!

  3. Erin the Cat says:

    No worries Max, I just travelled back in time and copied the question.

    "Dear Max, I have just travelled back in time from Wednesday, and your post about last minute gift ideas, and have to say that you have some great ideas coming up. So definitely need to visit them and get them on your list ASAP. My question for you is. . .  OK, two questions are: 1) What gifts do you really want and why? 2) What do you plan to be doing Boxing Day, assuming there is no turkey left over and all the nip is gone…

    Purrs ERin

    PS, if I knew this time travelling malarky was so easy I would have done it sooner "

    I guess the 3rd question for you, Max, is how did the day go and did you get all the gifts you wanted?

    Toodle pips

    ERin

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