Ask Max Monday: Pay Your Insurance Premiums

Ask Max Monday

Nice advise on the hair thing, but the next time somecat tells you about the foods they don’t like eating, coodja give them my address and have them male it to me? I’ll eat anything.


Unless it’s steak.

Then send that to me.

= = =

Max, I am frightened to the core of my being. I think a major catastrophic earthquake is coming or maybe Armaggeddon. Because:

1) Reno and Homer ALWAYS sit on top of the mister in bed. Never on me. But tonight they’re both on top of me for the first time ever. And Tripper, who is always parked atop my boobs is instead sleeping in an upstairs bedroom.

2) Two days ago, we found all four cats sleeping together at the same time on the twin beds in one of the spare bedrooms. Banzai and Tripp were cuddled together for the first time ever on one bed, and HomeReno was on the other. All four cats chillaxin together. Sumthin’s up.

I swear, I can hear the tinkling of horror music as I walk through the house. Should I try to do something to appease them? There is obviously a disturbance in The Force.

Well, there are a couple possibilities here. The most obvious is that you’re a woman and women tend to hit a certain age where they turn into attractive fleshy heaters, and that tens to attract cats, as we enjoy heated things. Tripper, being a manly can of substantive size, is already hot and doesn’t need to sit on you, and is being nice to the other cats by allowing them the space he would normally take while lounging upon your fun bags. So, basically, you’re old and attract cats.

Another possibility is that they truly do sense the Big One coming and they need to be comforted by your aging heat-bag of a body. Tripper, being a manly man, is not afraid, thusly does he sleep elsewhere.

A third possibility is that they’re checking to see if you have reached the ideal fleshy doneness, and are planning to suffocate you in the middle of the night and then consume you right there in the bed. They don’t need to test Mr. Tasty Face, as it was established long ago that he’s seasoned just right and will serve as a scrumptious second course.

Now, this third one is a stretch, just a tiny one, but you should probably start bribing them with real live fresh dead things, every dead and delicious thing a kitty could want. Steak, chicken, fish, shrimp—especially shrimp—and they would like it grilled and cut into kitty-sized bites. Every day. For the rest of your life.

Consider it to be insurance.

I mean, they’re probably not going to smother you, but why take a chance?

It’s either that or admit that you’re old now…

= = =

Dear Max, do cats really remember when they were kittens? Do you remember when you were a kitty? Max is almost 20 now and I wonder if he remembers the other cats we had.    Steve L.

I think we do remember, but perhaps not in the same way that people do. Our memories are more conceptual; think of it more like seeing someone in a dream. You know you know lived with another cat, but if they popped up you might not be certain that’s who you’re seeing, and you might not trust what you’re seeing.

Now, if you could smell them, and their smell hadn’t changed, you’d be more certain. But we can’t smell our memories, so (I think, I didn’t research it or anything) I’m guessing that the cats who came before us or who left before us are ethereal things, even in our thoughts. We catch glimpses of them in the peripherals of our minds, but don’t remember them the way you remember them. But they’re there, because if nothing else they’re in the sum of our experiences, and a lot of who and how we are is because of them.

Got a question for me?

You can leave it in the comments below,

or drop me an email at


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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. I’d say, Armageddon is coming!

  2. messymimi says:

    That’s a fabulous answer about memories.

    Could the cats in the second question be choosing to get along now, after years of refusing, just to keep the human off balance? When the person is not around, war may break out again. After all, they have to keep us guessing.

  3. Erin the Cat says:

    Wow, Max, your answers to those questions were so deep— and also so scary. I had not realized that I need to be sitting on Mrs H in readiness for eating her! Though by my guesswork she is over the prime tasty stage of cooking and is probably more overdone and tough. In fact now I think about it, she has been described as one tough cookie! Where do I find the expiry date on humans, or best before date?

    Now here is my main question: How many books does a cat need to write? I am heading towards my first being published and have more ideas for a series, but do not want to have to work harder than I have to as I have mouses catch and all that stuff. How many do plan to do? And does literary and bloging stardom such as yours come with a price tag?



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