Ask Max Monday: Please Don’t Eat the Puppy

The IScream truck came by and the mom did NOT let me go out and buy any. I WANT ISCREAM and I think that, since I stole, um, FOUND a whole dollar bill I should be able to buy some. How can I make this happen?

Dood. Save your dollars until you have enough for the good stuff. The stuff on the truck? It’s, like, cardboard ice cream because little kids like the truck and they don’t know any better. What you want is a place that serves 31 flavors, and if you go on the 31st day of the month, you can get a whole scoop for $1.31. You only need to steal find less than a buck!

Then all you gotta do is get your mom’s keys, go outside and get into her driving machine, and take yourself there. Or it might be easier to call Uber to come pick you up. For that, all you gotta do is steal borrow your mom’s credit card.

Oh, and while you have the card, it’s a good time to go on an Amazon shopping spree. Buy me something pretty when you do!

Max…a couple of the foster kittens gotted sick and had to have surgery to remove one eye each. Mom has started calling them pirate kittens. Don’t pirates need an eye patch though? We searched the amazon but couldn’t find anything small enough that might stay on.

Here’s a nifty thing to know: pirates didn’t wear eye patches because they were missing an eye. The eyeball under the patch was generally perfectly fine. They wore one because they did a lot of fighting inside and out, and by keeping one eye covered most of the time, if they suddenly had to move from fighting in light to fighting in dark, the covered eye was already adjusted to the dark, so they could just switch the patch to the other eye, and VOILA! they could see okay-ish.

I saw that on TV, and TV doesn’t lie, so it must be true.

Really, I think one-eyed kitties look like they’re always winking, so that kinda makes them all flirty. Instead of pirates, they’re LUV kitties. No eye patch needed, just lots of kisses instead.

Go do that. Go kiss the foster kitties. I’ll wait right here.

Mr. Max. Help me. I have chin acne and no one seems to know how to fix it. Do you have any ideas?

Oh. Oh. Oh. I feel your pain, I really do. I have problems with feline acne, too. For me the biggest problem was the dish I ate out of. It was too deep, and I was getting food dust on my chin, and since it’s like the one place a cat can’t really wash…acne. The people got me a super shallow dish (and the old one was stainless steel, new one ceramic) and it helped a lot.

If that hadn’t worked, they were going to start washing my chin for me. I suppose if your people wanted to give that a shot, it wouldn’t hurt…much. Try to not bite their faces off, and keep the claw scratches in places they can easily hide with clothing.

Also…if you haven’t seen a stabby person, you might want to, just in case it’s something other than acne.


Dood…no…puppies are annoying but they are not food. Besides, there’s, like, NO meat on them, and you’d get a lot of hair stuck in your teeth. I’ve had hair stuck in my teeth. It’s not pleasant.

Max, how many sleeps to Santa?

16,593…which, coincidentally, is how many sleeps until the Doctor Who Christmas Special.

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Category: Ask Max Monday

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. Hmm…that eye patch thing is very interesting! I have double vision, meaning each of my eyes see their own thang, no stereo vision like most folks have. Bet eye patches would work for me! Wait, I’ve got to practise my “ARGHHH!”

  2. Puddzee says:

    My mama was advised that plastic dishes cause kitty acne as well. The stabby woman stated stainless steel, glass and smooth glazed wide shallow dishes were best for kitties. The stabby woman also told mama that shallow and wide were good to protect from whisker fatigue as well. I guess whisker fatigue is a real serious problem for some of us kitties.

  3. I read this to Boni and we think the shallow and wide bowl would be perfect for our new family member Boots. He’s probably at risk for whisker fatigue just standing still they’re so long, so he needs all the help he can get.

  4. Tara Morse says:

    Max – how come my mom keeps torturing me by putting something around my neck? I keep taking it off, and she keeps putting it back on. She says I’m not allowed to be nekkid yet. Why not? And why does goody-four-shoes Flynn not mind the torture device?


  5. Valentine says:

    Hi Max! The white kitty before me had bad chin acne. The vet told Mom to switch kitty’s plastic bowls out to ceramic or stainless steel ones, as plastic can carry bacteria. Switching kitty’s bowls did the trick and the acne went away. I myself think eye patches are cool. I think if I was missing an eye, I would want an eye patch, but in red. Tee he hee!


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