Ask Max Monday: Pucker Up

Ask Max Monday

Buddah good to see you AND your dignity. My question is why is it as soon as the credit card is paid off a cat has to get sick and cost lots of money at the V-E-T ?!

I asked Buddah his opinion on this, but it’s been an hour and he’s still talking, and I am not taking notes that detailed. But the gist of it: we’re masters of timing. And it could be worse; we could get sick while you don’t have any funds available to draw on, which would be even more stressful, and then what would you do?

I think he’s right. It’s a kindness, really. We’re awesome like that.

= = =

I haz kwestyun. Mom is leeving town to go see cats that iz not us. Why kant she jus stay here and be my lap? The gramma will still be here and she’s got a gud lap but she duzzint no to use both hands when giving the pets and skritches. And thare will be strangers. Strangers here to help the gramma and that meens I’m gunna have to hide behind stuff. If I pee in the sootcase will that keep Mom from leeving?

sinseerly, scared Meez and a Biteycat

I imagine by now you know the answer to that. No, it won’t help. She’ll just toss different clothes into a plastic bag and go anyway. Every now and then people need to go off and do fun things for themselves, otherwise they get 12 kinds of cranky and they’re entirely unpleasant to live with. It sucks for us, but at least they come back a little happier than they left, and if we’re lucky, they bring presents.

Last time my people went somewhere they had the niece of a friend stay here, and dood, she was awesome. Sometimes strangers just get you, and it’s like a mini-vacation for us, too. In fact, I kinda want to kick my people out for a day or two, as long as someone fun comes over.

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Buddah! DOOOOOD!!! You make use howse panthers prowd!!! Even win yoo shode off yer dignity! Why is it that with black cats the poophole isn’t black so that it blends in with yer furs? Sumtimes I git a little self conshus about it. But yoo seem to have gottin over the self conshus part.

Buddah was taught well: show everything off in absolute glory anytime you can. And whenever a person is close enough, turn around and present it like a tiny little puckering sun-kiss, just for them. They love it. For real.

And there’s a really good reason it doesn’t blend in with the furs. We’re pretty bendy creatures, but even we need a way to see it better. And not just for cleaning purposes. We need to know right where it is so that when we get our paws on a tube of cherry red lipstick, we can carefully apply, and then go sit on everything the people love. So they know we’ve been there. It’s great fun, I saw it on the Internet. The Internet never lies.

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Dear Mighty Max

I wondered if you wanted to hitch a ride in this fabulous time machine to come and visit me in Norwich, England – it seems quite homely and there’s only a small bear living in it at the moment – maybe it’s the Doctor in one of her disguises?  I spotted it ‘parked up’ on the North Norfolk Coast, and I’m sure they wouldn’t mind arranging a detour to collect you.  Wow what an experience that would be and you could escape from Buddah for a while!

Big hugs Carolyn x

Oh you have no idea how badly I want to visit and go for a ride in that. My life would then be complete. But to do that I would have to leave the house, and I hate leaving the house, because it’s my house and the people bought it for me.

We actually have a TARDIS at home in the office, but it’s kinda disappointing when you get the door open. There’s nothing inside except brooms and step-ladders. That’s what I get for allowing the people to build one for me. Cheap, shoddy, ineffective time travel. =sigh=

I really need to get onto the real thing, so I can jump forward and see if my predictions for the future are right. I’m pretty sure they are.

Got a question for me?

You can leave it in the comments below,

or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Veterinarian’s don’t really charge too much $$, kitties; it’s the years of expertise that they have, which we need when one of you is ailing. I’d sell my pearl necklace, to have enough to make sure our cats got the best care. In fact, we humans do not eat as well as our kitty friends, so there.

  2. Jana says:

    Max, I don’t know if you publish ressipeez, but I haff one for kittehs dat liff in hotter plases: Speshill Wotter. It is EZ to make if you can find a hooman wiff fumbs to open da freezer and get da cold crunchie wotter yoonits owt. Poot da cold crunchie wotter yoonits in da wotter bol wiff da wotter. Dis is soooo much more entertaning den tryne to drink drips from da fawsit, which makes da Fud Lady annoyd becuz we gots TWO cat wotter fowntins (wich I ignor) and evryfing (fer peets sake!). But dis makes me drink da wotter properly an I like it. Also, da Speshill Wotter ressipee is pattented and soon to be trademarkt for my cooking show on the Cat Fud Channel becuz I invented it, but I’ll let you an yer reeders try it owt for free. Fanks, Gracie Thompson

  3. Erin The Cat says:

    We had a Police Public Call Box near us some years back, but it vanished. Now I’m not saying it was the Dr, but, well, you know it may wellhave been. As to credit cards, well that is all a conspiracy therory. . . or a pre-arrange thing with the vets, and a timelord, aka The Master, I mean how else would they know when the card bill was paid, right?
    Purrs
    ERin

  4. Horace says:

    Who’s this doctor everywun keeps talking about, and why is his office a bloo box with broomz inside?

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