Ask Max Monday: Pucker Up

Ask Max Monday

Max…. so we got a new addition. Only we think something may have broken in transport cause her head sits kind of funny. Mom says it is due to an ear infection the kitten had. We think we should sue the delivery company. What do you think?

Random Felines

Well, you could, I suppose. The burden of proof would be on you, and you’d have to go to court which means going outside where all the rude intruder things are, and just plopping the kitten down and saying to the judge WELL LOOK AT HER THIS IS HOW SHE ARRIVED might not go over well.

Your other option is to take a lot of pictures of her and put them online and get her a massive fan base, because she’s probably cute and cute lopsided kitties make people smile and laugh. And if you can get them to smile and laugh, you can write a book about it, and doods, let me tell you…when you write a book, you rake in TENS OF DOLLARS. For realz!

I’d go with that, personally. Court is iffy, internet fame brings you riches.

Dear Max:

Why does my cat want to show me her butt? I realize it’s cute and fluffy, but it’s also capable of producing lethal gasses. I’d much rather see her beautiful face. I’ve explained this to her, but she persists. Any ideas?

Sammi’s Mom

It’s a kitty kiss.


Cats are pretty protective of their tender spots, so when they expose them, it’s like saying, “Here, I love you, let me show you how much” and then they hope you stare into the abyss and see stars and love them, too.

Either that, or she just doesn’t like you and it’s more like, “Eh, kiss this.”

But I’m betting it’s the first one. I don’t recommend you kiss back. Unless you like that kind of thing. No judgment. But, ew.

Dear Max, My poop has been off for a while now, all squishy instead of like tootsie rolls. I have been to the stabby lady and have had several kinds of awful stuff shoved down my throat! It’s been horrible. Now, my mom is giving me probiotics, which aren’t so bad. Have you ever had to endure something like this? What makes people get so concerned about our poop?  Your admirer, Lily

Poop can tell people a lot of things about us. Like, if it’s too hard, maybe we need more water. Or if it’s too stinky, maybe we need different food. If it’s on their pillow, maybe the cat is a giant gaping asterisk bent on making life miserable.

Soft poop tells your mom there’s something going on. Buddah sometimes has this problem, and the trigger is usually the kind of food he eats. I like one food, he needs another, so we kinda get a mix and sometimes he gets too much of what I like (Fancy Feast, food of the Gods) and the end result is squishy poops and sometimes barfing.

It’s a literal pain in the asterisk when the stabby people have to get involved, but in the end, things will be better. You’ll poop wonderful glorious poops that your mom will call people to tell them about, and then you’ll be left alone.

But in the meantime…ugh, sorry you’re going through that. But at least you’re giving your mom something to do.

Max, wat the best way to ask you a question? Here, facebook, or email? We can’t decide, so we’re tryng email but if you like comments better we’ll do that when we can thnk of a question worthy of your thinks. Love, Pupcat

Dood…the easiest way is to leave a comment here. But if you don’t want people trying to answer it before I do (rarely happens) then email me. I’m on Facebook, but a lot of the time I don’t see messages people leave me until it’s been a long time and then I hurt their feelings.

But. Big but. The askmaxmonday@gmail address is ONLY for Ask Max Monday questions. I’m getting a lot of personal stuff there and a lot of spam…doods, if you want to just talk to me, my personal email is better. I don’t check it every day, but still. If you send something to the Ask Max email and there’s a question in it, it might wind up published here for the whole world to see.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Valentine says:

    Dear Max, my doggie minion, Bessie the Basset, has a weird fettish. She keeps rubbing herself up against my human’s leg most evenings! It is so-o rude & crude! Has she no decency? Has she no dignity, no self respect?! Does she not know that she is a female & a “fixed” old doggie to boot? What the freak? Have you ever been around such behavior? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, after all she is a D-O-G & they don’t seem to have ANY manners whatsoever! -Your chat noir pal, Valentine

  2. Oh Max…so wise!
    Humans are much too interested in kitty ‘products’ left in the litterbox! But, that’s all we have to be able to read how well a kitty is feeling.
    Writing a book is good advice!


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