Ask Max Monday: Purrfect for a Woofy

Ask Max Monday

Dood, the mom says that’s some epic ear hair. But we heard that guys only get ear hair when they get old. Is you old? We don’t think so, so we think that it’s a lie.

Also, the mom says that burrito looks like it could explode at any minute.

Also, Miles farted in the mom’s gave while whe was sleeping and it woke her up. She said they was “just wrong” but we thought it was pawsome. Who’s right?

Doods, it’s totally you who’s right. I mean, farts are always funny, but that’s freaking hysterical. It’s so awesome, I might have to give it a whirl.

Dear wise Max, my four beautiful cat siblings get along great mostly. The exception is when they see a strange cat outside, then they attack each other and I have to break up a cat fight. Why do they act like this?

Cat mom in Ohio

It’s called redirected aggression. They can’t get to the intruder kitty to smack him down with their mighty paws, so they take it out on each other. Buddah sometimes has this issue when the scrub jay outside comes to the door to mock him for his captivity. He gets upset and tries to take it out on me, but then the Woman tells him to knock it off or she’ll tie his tail in a knot, and then we go into the kitchen for crunchy treats because we know she doesn’t mean it. Maybe try that. Threaten and then soften the blow. Crunchy treats cure all. Well, steak works better, but a good crunchy treat is acceptable.

Dear Max, 

I haz a jealous!  My brother is a kitty and he gets lots of attentions when he purrs.  I am a woofy and I want my people to pay attentions to me more than the kitty.  How do you purr? Can you teach me?

Well, the bad news is that woofies don’t have the purring thingy inside their chests, so they can’t actually purr. The good news is that you can come close. Just stick your tongue out of your mouth a little bit, and then blow air out all around it. Your tongue will vibrate and it will make a sound almost like a purr. Bonus: the people will think OMG SO CUTE and will probably give you a treat for it.

Avoid having a lot of spit in your mouth, though. Then it becomes a raspberry (but not the eating kind) and people find that rude.

Max…why does my dad get bent when I hike up a leg to wash my nethers? He keeps telling me to put my leg down, like I can take a bath any other way?

Dood, ignore him. He’s just jealous because he can’t do it.

Hey Max. I follow your Woman on Facebook and every once in a while someone asks her about writing a book about the Emperor’s love life. What I want to know is whether or not a writer will do that, write a story that someone has asked them to write. And if you do write it, do you have to pay the person who had the idea?

I doubt someone like Stephen King would write a book just because a couple readers wanted him to, but when you’re kind of a small fry, it’s doable. The Woman only entertains idea from close friends, though; she says if she takes ideas from other people, they might say it’s cool but then later sue her for stealing their thinks.

She has a few friends who want her to write that story…they want it to be ~adult~, but I don’t think she knows enough ~adult~ stuff to pull it off. But she had ideas for a similar story and will work around her friends’ ideas, because why not? She and I will sit down and knock out a story line and will use some of their ideas, because what’s the point in telling stories if not for the people who want to hear them? Ultimately, we write for our readers anyway, and we want to give them books they’ll treasure.

Just maybe not bow-chikka-bow-wow books. Kissing, sure, but I am totally not writing about anyone’s throbbing thingies. Oh. That would be a good band name. The Emperor’s Throbbing Thingies. I’m not sure what kind of music they would play, but I bet it would get banned from about 41% of all radio stations.

Tags: ,

Category: Ask Max Monday

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Valentine says:

    Max, I was getting lots of pets from my human last evening while I sat on his belly until the D-O-G came over & nudged her way between us. She gets jealous. I found it rude! What can I do next time to make sure she doesn’t do that?

  2. MOL…this is hilarious, Max. I know now that I am a redirected kitty sometimes too when I go after Granny or Grandpaw after seeing an introoder in my garden while I am in…MOL 😀 Pawkisses for a Happy Day 🙂 <3

  3. Max ,We miss the books by you about you.Will there be another book? Signed,Bindi and Sasha

  4. Sammy Meezer says:

    Max dood, the mom says I’m something called “anti social” – I don’t come downstairs to meet people when they come into the house. Well, one person brings a yappy stinky woofie that I don’t really care about, and the rest of the time, truthfully I’m just too lazy to get mine butt off the bed and come ALL THE WAY down the stairs. Is that really a bad thing?

  5. Dear Max,
    The weird foster lady grabbed my kittens and stabbed them and made them cry. She said they had to have their first shots. I say she’s being mean. What gives?

    Millie the momma cat

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers