Ask Max Monday: Relax, Doods, Santa is Sleeping

Ask Max Monday Max, the other day I had to wate until SEVEN in the morning before the man got up to gimme my brekfist. And then yesterday he didn’t gimme brekfist until SEVENTHIRDY! I tride yelling and banging on his bedroom door, but I think he is def acuz it dint do any good. Shud I call the authoriteez? It doesn’t do any good, dood. The authorities are people and they stick together in stuff like this. I’m supposed to get fed at seven but it rarely happens. People sleep, or the Man doesn’t get home from passing gas in time, and I’m left standing there STARVING. So I feel your pain, I really do. About the only thing you can do is find something he likes and treat it to a toothy death. Leave it right outside the bedroom door so that he steps on it first thing. He’ll get the message if you do that 3-4 times. Max, I didn’t know it was possible but I think you gave out some bad advice. You told that writer to eat enough tinsel to make his poop festive. Well, it is NEVER safe for a kitty to eat tinsel and its not funny either. Even one strand can cause damage if it gets stuck in the wrong place. In your great wisdom I thought you knew that. Maybe you were just trying to be funny. Please don’t give out bad advice. Some kitties might not know better and their owners might not know better either. I know you wont print this but I was just alarmed you were recommending something that could be dangerous to kitties. Happy New Year and I am still your fan! Barb Ya know, I had an internal debate about running this one. Because honestly, I’d bet every penny I earned last year that there’s not a single kitty out there who didn’t get that my tongue was planted firmly in my cheek. The few humans who didn’t, well, if they try to feed their cat some tinsel, they’re probably going to draw back a bloody stump. But just in case: HEY DOODS DON’T EAT THE TINSEL. IT WILL TURN INTO SADNESS AND DESPAIR. There. That should do it. Hey wise and wonderful Max Itz us yur Canuck fans. Wez wondering now dat itz a mew year..can we start being naughty again and is it okay wez waking up de human mum at 5 of de clock. She is a crossing guard so off of work diz week and wez tink itz our duty to keep her in shape of getting up early to feed uz so her system don’t go into shock next week?  When doez Santy Claws start keeping track again Happy Mew Year Sugar and Oakley Go for it! I’m pretty sure that Santa is taking a nice 2 month long nap, and after that he’s got to get back into Santa shape, which should take another 8 months of non-stop snacking. And then he’s so busy taking inventory that you’ve got another month of grace. So don’t even think about worrying until, like, next Thanksgiving. And waking your mom is just common courtesy. If you don’t, she’ll get used to sleeping late, and then when she has to go back to work she’ll stay in bed too long, and then her boss will yell at her. You’re doing her a FAVOR and a SERVICE by getting her up on time every morning. Heck, maybe start a few minute early, just to be safe. Dear Max, My name is No No Nori, well that is what my Mom calls me sometimes.  My given name is Nori Claire.  I am orange and white and absolutely adorable!  Everyone loves me!  My sister Nikki is bigger than me but she hasn’t figured that out yet.   I get first crack at the food bowl, all the warm spots are mine and mine alone, including my Mom’s lap!  Nikki does whatever I tell her to do. My Mom says I can’t have the entire bag of treats for dinner.  She always gives me a few and won’t let me eat Nikki’s.   I find this practice unfair and totally unreasonable!  I am after all, me! Any advice on how to get more? Nori P.S.-I had a big brother named Max.  I never got to meet him.  I have seen pictures and he was quite handsome!  I have also heard stories about Max.  Like me, he was also worshiped and adored by everyone! Well, I’ve been scoring a second bedtime snack by wolfing my food down and then asking nicely for more. The Woman is all, “Oh, you must be so hungry,” and she opens another can. So you might try that. Eat them fast and ask politely for more. If that doesn’t work, eat fast and then knock Nikki out of the way to take hers. You have to be fast, or else a person will snatch you up and wiggle their pointy finger at you. But be aware: Nikki will grow, and one day she’ll be the one pouncing and taking treats. She might even get to the food bowl first. And PEOPLE WILL LET HER. Ask me how I know… Dear Max, You seem to know how to get things. My mom loves HGTV and wants to be on a show. She likes to look at houses, but has no idea how people get on House Hunters. Do you know? Love, Lita Well, as far as I can tell, first she needs to get a job as an underwater hamster herder and part time surfing barista. Then she calls the House Hunter people and says that she has $1,303,987 to spend on a house. Based on that, they’ll at least film her a little. Make sure she knows she has to say, “Oh, this is too small” and “Oh, I hate carpet,” and “I really wanted a totally open downstairs floorplan, even though that will make the second story cave in.” I think the hardest part will be landing that hamster herding job. It’s a narrow field and the competition is pretty tough. Oh, Max the Great One, why do my new Meowmy and PawPaw keep saying “stop that, we’re not chew toys.”  Of course they’re toys, MY toys!!  I just want to play a little rough.  After all, I’m still a kitten even though I weigh a little over 9 pounds now and I’m less than a year old (Ain’t that great!  I’m going to be BIG.)  But they just tell me “no” and walk away.  How can I convince them that they ARE chew toys, the VERY BEST chew toys?!? love and bites, Harrison Give them the Back of Disrespect. A lot. It’s difficult to do when you’re little, because all of life is PLAY PLAY PLAY and that’s a very important part of learning to cat, but if they see that a lot, they’ll feel bad and then they’ll let you play however you want. And they are TOTALLY chew toys. They just don’t know it. Something important, though: learn to soft bite. That’s when you set your teeth on a person but you don’t chomp down. It’s just as much fun, but there’s no yelling. You can do that when you’re upset with them, too, and they’ll be all, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” And then you get treats, because that’s how they apologize. Max, what’s dignity? My people said I don’t have any. I needed Buddah to demonstrate. Make of that what you will…

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Oh my, Max…so much good advice to dole out today! Remember, cats are NEVER on the Naughty list with Santa, because…you know…you are cats and gods of all humans. And gods do not need dignity, because see above!

  2. Ashley Wednesday says:

    I am a former feral kitten but now I live inside with my cat mom. I still have my street cred and I think I have a tattoo that says “Feral Forever” that I got at the stabby place, but I like my noms and my heated cat cup too. Can I be a true feral and live inside with peoples? And how do I keep the peoples from snatching me up? (I kind of like it *embarrassed* )

  3. Laurel Glasco says:

    Oh, Max! Buddah’s dignity? Hahahahahahaha Gasp

  4. Max your the best I just love reading your blog.x


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