Ask Max Monday: Sadly, We Are Not Hobbits

Max, my sisfur from another moddar and faddar is a beat! Before the new human adopted me I lived as a only cat and I was Queen. For the first cuppa months I was Queen of my new fan. Then horrors this young brat moved in, she’s not a kittah, and at first she later down flattish and I enjoyed swatting her and giving a good hisses!

Now she is all cocky and dares to hit me when me back is turned and tries to sniff my butt, ehhh, gross! I refused to sniff her but I do allows her to sit within a foot of my royalness sometimes!

My huuman servant keeps asking us to try harder and be nice and sniff each other! What do u think Max, should I try or keep telling her to leave?

Well, I know from experience that asking the other kitty to leave never works, so you might as well keep trying. Failing that, just pick territories and don’t invade each other spaces (by which I mean, don’t get caught invading her space…totally do it and then when she gets all hissy, run away and make them think she’s just kinda…nuts. Good times will be had by all you.

Max, what is a furry little bas**rd and why am I one when I just run around hollering

It means you’re super awesome, and everyone around you wants you to keep right on doing it. For realz. I wouldn’t lie to you.

Max, I will only drink out of the slowly running tub faucet. My mom gets mad because every time she turns it on a little it gets harder and harder to turn off. She’s had plumbers over to fix it about every other year. And it costs green papers when it leaks. Do you drink out of a water fountain or bowl?

If I get a new fountain, do you have any recommendations? I know cats don’t like the water near their food. I tried a bubble-up type of bowl and it is quiet but doesn’t give me the waterfall effect I want. It says Pioneer Pet on it. She has it setting in the tub temporarily until I get used to it but I don’t like it as much as the faucet. Any ideas would be appreciated. My mom can’t keep spending money on things that won’t work for me.

I totally dig the Drinkwell Platinum Fountain. It has the little waterfall and the container holds a lot of water. I can drink from the waterfall or the bowl part. I like it so much that the people always keep a new one in a box in the closet in case mine breaks, because I don’t like drinking out of anything else anymore.

Deer Max

Wez wondering how many breakfastz a kitty needs to start de day off rite. 

Wez wake up de human lady at five a em. She whine dat itz too early but itz been like six whole hours since wez had our bedtime snack.

Wez make her give uz second breakfast befur she leaves fur work how many breakfast iz it de law fur uz not to call de authorities

How many do you have

Your faithful Canuck fans

Oakley and Sugar

Doods, you’re not gonna like this, but…I only get one breakfast, at 7 a.m. Dinner is at 5 p.m., with a snack at 9 p.m. Now, if we’re good and the people are eating kitty-friendly things for their dinner, we get a bite. But yeah, only one breakfast. Every time we ask for more we hear, “You’re not a freaking Hobbit. There is no second breakfast.”

Yeah. My people are rude.

Hi Max,

You are so smart, I know you can help me.  I have developed this habit of looking down the shower drain in the bathroom.  I must do this twice a day.  I guess my behaviour borders on OCD but I’m afraid bad things will happen if I don’t look down the drain.  My sister, Kali, told me a horrible story about drain monsters with loose hairs pasted all over their bodies staring back at kitties that keep looking down the drain.  Now, I’m afraid to look down the drain, yet I have this pressing urge to peek down the drain.  What to do?  I am losing sleep over this.  It’s like having an itch but not being able to scratch it.

Shoko the drain queen

Scratch that itch, Shoko. The only thing down the drain are clumped up bits and pieces of hair that sloughed off your people and got all glommed up together with the soap they use. Now, it DOES come up every now and then, but only with the assistance of a dood called “That damned plumber” and he reaches down there and strangles it all before it can eat a kitty. Then he makes the people pay him all their money, which is why they don’t much like him.

Hai Max !

I am not feeling purrfect and spry and kitty-like these days.. my system is doing wack-e stuffs. First I had too much energy and I lost weight and dey told my mom dat my thyroid was hyper.. den dey gibbs me yucky white stuff – mommy calls it meowdicine and it will make me feel bettah. I tries to push it out my mouff but mommy says I have to swallow it – UGH!  Mommy sings me this song when she gibbs it to me – “yuck-yucks are yucky, disgusting and gross – but I give them to you because I love you the most”. (Cute, right – still tastes icky though) Now the stabby guy saz my thyroid is hypo?? He says he has neber seen dis before T4 was 16.8 and now it is .6.  Anywho – I gained 11oz – diss made dem happy.  Liver enzymes and kidney enzymes are only a tiny bit lower. Ya, I was so slow that I didn’t even meet my mommy at the door when she got home from da office. I feel a little better now that dey cut my meowdicine in 1/2.  But for now it is a miss-story and I has worries. We have to call the stabby guy in a few days to report it – maybe a different kind of meowdicine will help.    I hope that I can get ober this soon b/c I want to be me again… I am good at fighting off the sicknesses – I just might need a little note from you to halp me cheer me on 🙂



I feel your pain, Maudy. I got super sick when I was three and got put on some medicine for OVER A YEAR. I hated it. In fact, I hated it so much that I started hiding from the people and didn’t trust my food because I was pretty sure they were sticking it my precious stinky goodness. I was so stubborn that eventually I wore them down and they told the stabby guy they weren’t giving it to me anymore…but it took a long, long time. I hope it doesn’t take you as long!

Dear Max,

What is Pizza? I think it is for sitting on, because it is so warm and it is a cardboard box. for some reason the peeps think this is not for sitting and send me away. If not for sits, why is it so perfect for it?


Well, the BOX is for sits…AFTER the pizza inside has been eaten. Dood, you have to try some! It’s like cheesy heaven. Even BETTER than sitting on the warm box—which they should give you when they’re done. Tell them I said so.

Max, My mom told me that I have to get my teeth cleaned and spend the day with the stabby guy and my canine brother who is getting his teeth cleaned.  The last time I got my teeth cleaned the stabby guy yanked out 3 of my teeth. How do I learn to let my mom brush my teeth at home? Should I be worried cause a new stabby guy is doing the cleaning? You are my hero Max! 

Love, Jameson

Dang, dood, I don’t let anyone near my teeth so I have no idea how you let your mom learn to brush yours. Last time anyone tried with me—I think I was 3—there was a lot of blood involved and none of it was mine.

I wouldn’t worry if it’s a new stabby guy. You can bite him just as hard as the old one.

Hi Max
We live in CT & our human has been TNR ing feral cats in our neighborhood. We see that she feels sad sometimes & wonders if she is doing the right thing.  She feeds them & they even have a small enclosed shelter. BUT, it is very cold here lots of snow!!  They can’t be indoor cats, tho the friendlier ones get adopted.
So she looks out at them & says she doesn’t know whether she is helping them or actually hurting them with TNR. She says no easy answers. What should we tell her?  Seriously! She is sad……..
Thanks Max
Dewey Blue, Duffy & Tammi
Avon, CT

In my opinion? She’s totally doing the right thing. They can’t be indoor cats, they’re too feral. So they have to stay outside…but left intact, they’re gonna create a whole bunch of other feral kitties. By doing TNR she prevents them from breeding, and lets them live their lives in pretty spiffy circumstances. They’re still going to hunt, even if she’s feeding them, because hunting is just what we do out there, but she’s keeping some decent food in them.

And really…by not forcing them to become indoor cats, she’s also helping control the rodents and stuff around your house (and yes, I know they kill birds, too, and some species have been eradicated because of cats, but there’s a balance here.)

She’s doing good. She really is.

Dear Max,
A year ago we adopted a cat that had been left at our vet. Our other cats were so mean to him. For a whole year I was constantly breaking up vicious cat fights. Now, after they all had to go to the vet for annual exams and immunizations they are all friends and even sleep together. What is going on? One day they are enemies and the next day, they sniff noses and butts and love each other.

Of course I am relieved that the war us over but why the sudden peace? Will they decide to hate our newest kitten again?

Confused  Cat Mama

They all smell alike now. They went to the stabby guy and all got covered in the same horrible stabby stench, so there’s no you’re-a-stranger smell. If you take them separately in the future, they might have issues again. But also, they might not. Also, I might not be on the right track…but I suspect that’s part of it.

Dear Mighty Max,

I gots a liddle problem kinda like yours wif Buddha Pest. About a year ago (a few months after my best friend went over da Rainbow Bridge), my human servants got me a little brother to keep me company. He’s four, I’m ten (and female). My human servants introduced da two of us very slowly, so neither one of us got freaked out. Dis little guy is sorta cute, and so far I gots him trained to lick my head a few times a week. And, OK, occasionally when it’s cold I let him snuggle up to me. He knows I’m da boss, though, cuz I’m obviously older and wiser (and bigger), and I gets treats first.

But he’s a feisty little tyke, and lately has taken to JUMPING ON ME WHEN I LEAST SUSPECTS IT and trying to play-fight. 


I’ve whapped him back a few times and tried to put him in his place, but I don’t wanna hurt da little guy, so haven’t been too hard on him.

It just seems kinda schizo-furr-nik to me – love me one minute, attack me da next!

So, which one of us shood take da tranquilizers????


Going crazy wif my own Buddha Pest

Your people, that’s who should take the drugs.

Maybe no one taught him how to be a cat, so he’s still engaging in kitten-like play-fight behaviors. Just slap him to the ground and hold him there when he does it, and he’ll get the picture sooner or later.

Or you might wind up having fun. Who knows? But I’d slap him down and sit on his head, because that’s what siblings do.

Hey Max,

About a year ago I came to dis new place where da head kitty (and only other kitty) is a grouchy ole lady of 10. I’m a spry young handsome kitty of four. We gets along OK, but she is BORING. I tries to respect her by licking her head every once in a while, and she’s pretty warm to snuggle with when it’s cold in da house, but she won’t PLAY wif me! I tries jumping on her when she least expects it, to give de element of surprise and excitement, but she just gets mad and hisses at me. Why won’t she wrestle wif me? She sure needs de exercise, I’ll tell ya. But it’s really hard to get her to play fight wif me! I lubs to play fight!!! What can I do?


Frustrated Frisky Feline

The only thing you can do is be persistent. Jump on her a lot! The more you do, the more she’ll come to realize that she’s having a lot of fun. Heck, maybe she’ll even chase you! If she’s big enough, jump on her back and ride her like a pony. Buddah did that to me a lot, and dood, I loved it.

Oh, wait, I misspelled loathed.

Either way, don’t give up!

Hi Max,
My name is Calais and I live in Australia with my two human slaves and two dogs. I am a Siamese/Ragdoll cross, and I absolutely love dropping my long thick hairs all over the house (especially on the humans work uniforms) Every summer the humans discuss taking me to get ‘shaved’ because it will make me cooler. It’s been 3 years and they still can’t make a decision. Have you got any advice for the humans? 
I like my hair and I DO NOT want to come out looking like a lion, But it does get pretty hot, and I’m not a fan of water so I don’t like baths or laying on wet towels.
Lots of Love, from your Kitty down under, Calais

Oh hey, I used to live on a street named after you. Calais court. I liked that place because I could see stuff outside, unlike here where there’s nothing worth looking at.

My advice to your people? Buy an air conditioner. Cool down the whole house so that everyone is comfortable and no one has to get shaved. Even the dogs will be fans! Sure, it’s spendy, but we’re talking COLD AIR BLOWING THINGY and it’s worth every penny.

But if they do get you shaved, don’t worry. It grows back. In fact, on Saturday the Woman is getting her head shaved. Oh, I’ll make fun of her, but she’s done it before and it all comes back.


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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

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  1. Casper says:

    Max, why duzn’t peeple sniff my butt when they say hello? Don’t you think that’s rood?


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