Ask Max Monday: Salute Your (Rainbow) Shorts

Ask Max Monday Dood – how come my mom is stoopid? I mean, she can’t see me when I’m right in front of her and she calls and calls and calls mine name and then freaks out when I don’t show up. Because I can see her. Why can’t she see me? I mean, I am right in front of her – in the closet, looking out behind the clothes. Dood…she’s not stupid, she’s just old. Old people have a hard time seeing. I mean, she’s got to be at least 30, right? It’s probably time for new glasses or contacts, but old people have a hard time admitting that to themselves. Next time, just jump right out at her. She’ll scream, might even tinkle a bit, and you’ll have a really funny story to tell. Dear Max: My best buddy is around 14 years old (we think). He’s been ignoring me — or so I thought — but now I’m pretty sure he’s lost his hearing. If he’d just misplaced it I’d be glad to have a look around, but I’m afraid it’s gone for good. So, what can I do to help my guy out? I don’t think he’d do well with hearing aids, and he’s too old for surgery (don’t know if there is any possible surgery for kittehs with age-related hearing loss, anyway). He doesn’t want to go outside any more; I think that’s because not hearing what’s going on around him makes him nervous. What should I do? I know you have lots of good answers for ignorant humans who love cats; I’m hoping you’ll have an idea about this. — Kaboodles’ human The first best thing you can do is haul his asterisk to the stabby guy. Hearing loss in cats can be from a variety of causes—age is one of them, but it can also be because of ear mites, inflammation, tumors, infections, or splits in the ear drums. Sometimes hearing loss can be treated, even if only partially restored, which is better than nothing. Cats who are losing their hearing sometimes meow loudly, and a lot. I’m not sure what the reason is, but I think they might be embracing their inner dolphin and trying a bit of echolocation. It makes sense to me. Still. I did a little reading, and some of the suggestions were to never try to startle your kitty (I think this is a good idea no matter what. It might be funny to see us puff up and jump, but only if it was an accident, use non-verbal communication (like slow blinking…it’s kind of an ‘I love you’ and most kitties will learn to say it back. It’s comforting to be spoken to like this) and when you’re in the cat’s line of sight, clap to get his attention. If he’s in a room and you want his attention, you can teach him that when a light comes on, you’re there and want him. Just flip the light switch, and then get to where he can see you, and then lavish the petting and nuzzles. He’ll learn to associate dark>light>affection. And if you don’t have carpeting, he might learn that floor vibrations = someone coming…so wearing shoes might help, that way your footsteps aren’t softened too much. You also might want to designate a specific light as the time-to-eat lamp. Let him see you turn the light on, and then give him food. It won’t take long before he understands, and from a distance knows that it’s dinner time even though he can’t hear you calling. Keeping him inside is a great idea. Inside feels safer when you can’t hear, and you just trust the things around you. We’re pretty resilient furballs—even if we can’t hear, we learn to do just fine. Keep that in mind: he’ll do okay. But the first thing is a checkup. Make sure it’s age related and not something else. And the good thing is that if it’s something else, there’s a good chance it’s treatable. Max, I was just witness to my human DANCING down the hallway, naked. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen your human do? Man, I dunno. The list is LONG. But today she squealed when she got a package in the mail that contained the rainbow pride flag underwear she ordered, so it’s definitely in there somewhere.

Doods, I am not even kidding…

I’m not even talking a quiet little ooh. I’m talking OMG IT GOT HERE AND IT’S SO PRETTY! I think she even clapped a little. I am so ashamed. I mean, not of the undies, those are awesome. But of her. Because…well, I’m pretty sure you can guess.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Yep, kitties love to hide on us stoopey humans! Hearing loss in kitties needs to be checked by the vet; great advice on that, Max!

  2. Edie Chase says:

    Max, just be glad that she didn’t get rainbow shorts for you. Hahaha.

  3. Mistletoe says:

    Max! For the last 15 years my Humom has been stealing my poop every single day but today I noticed an email confirming her membership in something called the Kitty Poop Club. Does this mean that it’s not just her but an entire club harvesting kitty poop? I’m stunned to learn that for so many years,instead of worshipping me because I’m superior, she’s simply been using me for my poop. At least I now understand why she brought those giant boy cats into the house. She addicted to that shit. I’d cut off her supply but…I’m sure she’d get it somewhere and the quality wouldn’t be as good What should I do Max? Confront her or just turn a blind eye?

  4. Good answers for great questions, Max! We particularly like your hearing/maybe deaf answer because what you said is all true. And yeah, really, you have to go to the stabby place first. Take it from our sister Sunny, who had to have an eardrum removed because of tumors. It is ALWAYS best not to let that possibility go too long (as her past humans did with bad consequences). Get that checked out! Rainbow undies? Sounds like a gorgeous napping accessory to us!

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