Ask Max Monday: Say “Woof”

Ask Max Monday

Max, I stealed the dog’s foods. It was good. Now my sisfurs sez “yoo are what yoo eats” Does this mean I will turn into a dog?? I does not want to be a dog!

Well…there’s good news, and there’s bad news. First, you will not turn into a dog. Because, think about it, if you are what you eat…dogs don’t eat dogs. They eat dog food. Following that trail of logic, (and this is the bad news) that means you need to watch your back, because you’re liable to become dog food.

I wouldn’t really worry about it. I eat steak often and I haven’t turned into a cow.

Max….we heard on the news that those southern and eastern states are going to be getting lots of rain. Mom muttered something about sending them an ark. Huh???

A brazillian years ago—as the story goes—there was a big flood coming, so this dood named Noah built an ark—which is a really big boat—and he put two of every animal there was on the ark, so that everyone wouldn’t drown. Now, you can imagine how big that boat had to be to fit 17 million living creatures on it. So I’m thinking it would take a very long time to build an ark…the southern states might need to just go to Walmart and buy a bunch of inflatable rafts and life jackets. At least if they do it that way, they don’t have to round up so name animals, and they also don’t have to worry about what the carnivores on board are gonna eat.

Dear Max,

My cat turns 19 soon, and I have never celebrated his birthday because I don’t know exactly what date it is. Is it odd if I make up a date? And what should I get him?


Another Max

Dood. It’s totally cool to make up a birthday for your cat, and since he’s 19, I think you should celebrate it like every other week until you catch up for the ones you missed. The only things I ever really want on my birthday are real live fresh dead shrimp, and real live fresh dead cow, cut into perfect Max-sized bites.

I don’t really play with toys anymore, and other than the occasional Silver Vine vacation, all I enjoy is eating and sleeping and at 19 I imagine your kitty is pretty much the same. Just cater to his whims, and give him special treats. That’ll do it.

Max…has anyone ever been able to answer the question, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Indeed, they have. And the answer? About 700 pounds.

You’re welcome.

Got a question for me? You can leave it in the comments or drop me a line at

Category: Uncategorized

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (91)

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  1. Patricia Sullivan says:

    Max, you sure have a way of cheering up our peeps! We cats should rule the world (maybe with dogs as a back-up). We’ve heard about the wood chuck, but WHAT, EXACTLY, is chucking (other than the up-kind)?!

  2. Sammy Meezer says:

    Max- why is it weird that I steal a brush and brush mine face for like elebenty seven minutes? I feel that I need to look mine best at all times. And,OOOOOOHHHHHHH that brush feels soooooo good on mine face. But I doesn’t like mine belly or butt brushed – just mine face. The mom says that’s not normal.

  3. Reno says:

    Max, da big mancat heer sez that mancatlyniss is mezhurd by the number of stripes on yer tale and sinse I only have 2 and a haff stripes, I will never be a big mancat. He haz a bazillion stripes on his tale and he is the biggest mancat I know, so he’s probly rite. But I looked and it duzn’t look like you have any stripes on yer tale, so now I’m kunfyoozed. Yer a big mancat, rite? Am I doomed to alwayz be a little runt cat?

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