Ask Max Monday: Say “Woof”

October 10, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday

Max, I stealed the dog’s foods. It was good. Now my sisfurs sez “yoo are what yoo eats” Does this mean I will turn into a dog?? I does not want to be a dog!

Well…there’s good news, and there’s bad news. First, you will not turn into a dog. Because, think about it, if you are what you eat…dogs don’t eat dogs. They eat dog food. Following that trail of logic, (and this is the bad news) that means you need to watch your back, because you’re liable to become dog food.

I wouldn’t really worry about it. I eat steak often and I haven’t turned into a cow.

Max….we heard on the news that those southern and eastern states are going to be getting lots of rain. Mom muttered something about sending them an ark. Huh???

A brazillian years ago—as the story goes—there was a big flood coming, so this dood named Noah built an ark—which is a really big boat—and he put two of every animal there was on the ark, so that everyone wouldn’t drown. Now, you can imagine how big that boat had to be to fit 17 million living creatures on it. So I’m thinking it would take a very long time to build an ark…the southern states might need to just go to Walmart and buy a bunch of inflatable rafts and life jackets. At least if they do it that way, they don’t have to round up so name animals, and they also don’t have to worry about what the carnivores on board are gonna eat.

Dear Max,

My cat turns 19 soon, and I have never celebrated his birthday because I don’t know exactly what date it is. Is it odd if I make up a date? And what should I get him?

Thanks,

Another Max

Dood. It’s totally cool to make up a birthday for your cat, and since he’s 19, I think you should celebrate it like every other week until you catch up for the ones you missed. The only things I ever really want on my birthday are real live fresh dead shrimp, and real live fresh dead cow, cut into perfect Max-sized bites.

I don’t really play with toys anymore, and other than the occasional Silver Vine vacation, all I enjoy is eating and sleeping and at 19 I imagine your kitty is pretty much the same. Just cater to his whims, and give him special treats. That’ll do it.

Max…has anyone ever been able to answer the question, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Indeed, they have. And the answer? About 700 pounds.

You’re welcome.

Got a question for me? You can leave it in the comments or drop me a line at askmaxmonday@gmail.com

Tags: ,

Category: 0 - Featured, Ask Max Monday, Last Week, zzz Previous 3 cat articles

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hits, "The Emperor of San Francisco" and "Ozoo" [The Wick Chronicles].

Comments (91)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Patricia Sullivan says:

    Max, you sure have a way of cheering up our peeps! We cats should rule the world (maybe with dogs as a back-up). We’ve heard about the wood chuck, but WHAT, EXACTLY, is chucking (other than the up-kind)?!

  2. Sammy Meezer says:

    Max- why is it weird that I steal a brush and brush mine face for like elebenty seven minutes? I feel that I need to look mine best at all times. And,OOOOOOHHHHHHH that brush feels soooooo good on mine face. But I doesn’t like mine belly or butt brushed – just mine face. The mom says that’s not normal.

  3. Reno says:

    Max, da big mancat heer sez that mancatlyniss is mezhurd by the number of stripes on yer tale and sinse I only have 2 and a haff stripes, I will never be a big mancat. He haz a bazillion stripes on his tale and he is the biggest mancat I know, so he’s probly rite. But I looked and it duzn’t look like you have any stripes on yer tale, so now I’m kunfyoozed. Yer a big mancat, rite? Am I doomed to alwayz be a little runt cat?

  4. I was recommended this website by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my difficulty. You are incredible! Thanks!

  5. Major thankies for the blog article.Much thanks again. Fantastic.

  6. very good submit, i actually love this website, carry on it

  7. my response says:

    just wondering if you get a lot of spam responses? If so how

  8. mesothelioma says:

    This is one awesome blog post. Fantastic.

  9. Thanks for the post.Thanks Again. Really Cool.

  10. I really liked your blog article.Really thank you! Really Cool.

  11. CBT says:

    Terrific paintings! This is the kind of information that are meant to be shared around the net. Shame on Google for not positioning this publish higher! Come on over and visit my site. Thanks =)

  12. Voteformohan says:

    woh I love your content, saved to favorites!.

  13. whizzinator says:

    It as really a great and helpful piece of info. I am glad that you shared this helpful info with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  14. seo says:

    It as not that I want to replicate your web page, but I really like the pattern. Could you let me know which theme are you using? Or was it custom made?

  15. fashion says:

    Thanks for the blog article.Much thanks again. Really Cool.

  16. more info says:

    wow, awesome article post.Really thank you! Fantastic.

  17. you ave got a fantastic weblog right here! would you wish to make some invite posts on my weblog?

  18. Premium Oils says:

    Wow, this post is nice, my sister is analyzing such things, thus I am going to inform her.

  19. boldleads says:

    A big thank you for your article.Really thank you! Will read on…

  20. workout says:

    Really enjoyed this blog.Thanks Again. Great.

  21. dust mites says:

    Thank you for your post. Awesome.

  22. Really enjoyed this blog.Really thank you! Awesome.

  23. Not loads of information and facts in this particular tale, what happened into the boat?

  24. to read more says:

    Im grateful for the article post.Thanks Again. Want more.

  25. letbet99 says:

    I truly appreciate this article.Really thank you! Keep writing.

  26. bondage says:

    Really informative post.Really thank you! Much obliged.

  27. This page definitely has all of the information and facts I needed concerning this subject and didn at know who to ask.

  28. Web Radio says:

    Very neat blog post.Much thanks again. Cool.

  29. Thanks a lot for the blog.Really thank you! Want more.

  30. This is one awesome article post.Really thank you! Really Great.

  31. porno says:

    I loved your blog.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.

  32. I appreciate you sharing this blog article.Thanks Again. Want more.

  33. Pretty! This has been an incredibly wonderful post. Many thanks for providing these details.

  34. I cannot thank you enough for the blog.Much thanks again. Really Cool.

  35. It as really a nice and helpful piece of information. I am glad that you shared this helpful information with us. Please keep us informed like this. Thanks for sharing.

  36. romance says:

    Usually I do not learn article on blogs, however I wish to say that this write-up very pressured me to try and do so! Your writing style has been surprised me. Thank you, very great article.

  37. more popular given that you most certainly possess the gift.

  38. your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got

  39. Thanks so much for the blog post.Really thank you! Will read on

  40. Is going to be again continuously to check up on new posts

  41. Im thankful for the blog.Thanks Again. Really Great.

  42. Great, thanks for sharing this article post.Thanks Again. Will read on…

  43. Map Business says:

    This blog was how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I ave found something which helped me. Cheers!

  44. seo schemes says:

    I really enjoy the blog post.Much thanks again. Great.

  45. Well done for posting on this subject. There is not enough content posted about it (not particularly good anyway). It is pleasing to see it receiving a little bit more coverage. Cheers!

  46. I really enjoy the article post.Really looking forward to read more. Really Cool.

  47. This particular blog is really interesting as well as factual. I have chosen helluva helpful things out of this source. I ad love to return every once in a while. Thanks a lot!

  48. support says:

    Hey, thanks for the blog.Thanks Again. Cool.

  49. Very good info. Lucky me I discovered your blog by chance (stumbleupon). I ave book marked it for later!

  50. see says:

    Simply wanna input that you have a very decent site, I love the layout it really stands out.

  51. Very good blog post.Really thank you! Really Cool.

  52. Well I definitely liked reading it. This tip offered by you is very helpful for correct planning.

  53. Thanks so much for the article. Want more.

  54. Muchos Gracias for your post.Thanks Again. Cool.

  55. Thanks-a-mundo for the article post.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.

  56. Thanks for the article post.Really thank you! Really Cool.

  57. Looking forward to reading more. Great blog post. Will read on…

  58. IP Location says:

    Thanks so much for the article. Want more.

  59. I really like and appreciate your article post.Thanks Again. Want more.

  60. i wish for enjoyment, since this this web page conations genuinely fastidious funny data too.

  61. fashion says:

    Thank you ever so for you post.Really thank you! Really Cool.

  62. Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this write-up and also the rest of the website is also really good.

  63. weblink says:

    ppi claims What as the best way to copyright a website and all its contents? Copyright poetry?

  64. I truly appreciate this blog article.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome.

  65. this website says:

    Utterly written subject matter, appreciate it for selective information.

  66. Very good article post.Much thanks again. Really Cool.

  67. anjing says:

    Wonderful put up, definitely regret not planning towards the USO style dinner. Keep up the excellent get the job done!

  68. you ave gotten a fantastic blog here! would you prefer to make some invite posts on my weblog?

  69. new reader. What could you recommend in regards

  70. dig this says:

    They might be either affordable or expensive (but solar sections are certainly worth considering) based on your requirements

  71. You should take part in a contest for one of the most useful websites on the net. I am going to highly recommend this blog!

  72. my response says:

    You are so awesome! I do not believe I ave truly read anything like this before.

  73. advice says:

    Your current positions continually include much of really up to date info. Where do you come up with this? Just saying you are very resourceful. Thanks again

  74. Wow, incredible blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you made blogging look easy. The overall look of your web site is fantastic, as well as the content!

  75. The web is really useful for me and all people studying English. The quality of podcast is good and I hope there will be more useful and interesting lessons. Thanks!

  76. page says:

    pretty valuable material, overall I consider this is really worth a bookmark, thanks

  77. view it says:

    Your style is really unique in comparison to other people I have read stuff from. Many thanks for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I will just book mark this blog.

  78. There is noticeably a bundle to understand about this. I assume you made certain nice points in capabilities also.

  79. check it out says:

    Thank you for your article.Much thanks again. Really Great.

  80. page says:

    Thanks so much for the blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Really Great.

  81. find out says:

    in his/her brain that how a user can be aware of it.

  82. useful link says:

    Really informative article.Really thank you! Fantastic.

  83. my site says:

    Im thankful for the blog.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.

  84. Very informative post.Really looking forward to read more. Really Great.

  85. Fantastic article.Thanks Again.

  86. Collin Midy says:

    Hi there! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with SEO? I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good success. If you know of any please share. Thanks!

  87. instrumental says:

    After all, what a great site and informative posts, I will upload inbound link – bookmark this web site? Regards, Reader.

  88. this article says:

    I like this blog so much, bookmarked. “Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.” by Peter De Vries.

  89. I’m really loving the theme/design of your blog. Do you ever run into any web browser compatibility problems? A handful of my blog visitors have complained about my blog not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Chrome. Do you have any recommendations to help fix this issue?

  90. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post’s to be what precisely I’m looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content to suit your needs? I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on most of the subjects you write related to here. Again, awesome blog!

  91. I’m extremely impressed together with your writing skills as neatly as with the structure for your weblog. Is this a paid subject or did you customize it yourself? Anyway stay up the excellent quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one these days..

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers