Ask Max Monday: She’s, Like, 80% Better, So I’m Back

Ask Max Monday

Yo, Max! Good news! Our peeps just bilded us this ginormous catio and it raps around the old oak tree and we git to klime! And watch sqwerls n berds. Maybe yoo cood come over and hang with us. We wood treet you better than Boooda duz.

My problem is this: Win we’re outside in the catio, my brudder hogs the litter box. Sits thare fer hours on end. Which is annoyin cuz I just love parkin my butt in thare and purrtendin I’m at the beech. Insted, I just hafta nap until he’s reddy to go in the howse.

How do I git him to share our faverit sittin spot?

Jump in the litter box and start peeing. If you do that every time he’s been there more than a few minutes, he’ll get the message that he has to share. If not, at least you get to pee on him every now and then.

And I’m totally jealous of your catio. I’ve always wanted one. We even have the space for one. But do I get it? NO. We have this entire patio that no one else uses. I would totally use it if they would turn it into a catio.

Hay Max! Now that they let a girl hyooman play Dr Who, iz it pawsible that in a couple of seazons they mite hire a CAT to play Dr Who? Cuz if you think it’s pawsible, I’m gonna start practissing driving a Tardis.

I think this little dood beat you to it. He’s probably next in line and is just waiting until he’s old enough to sign the contract.

It bites, because I really wanted to be the Doctor. But I’m also perfectly happy to marry her. She’s awesome.

You are a very pretty guy, Max.
My question for you is- do you have a fitness routine? I do THOE with my mom every day but is that enough? I need to keep in shape!

Ever seen this meme?

That’s my fitness routine, but with steak.

Dear Max, Ok, I will stop talking about you and Budda. I do have something to ask you. Frank got out last week and was found by a woman and we got him back the next day thanks to my sister and social media. It was my fault. I took my eye off him. Do you think Max knows that I  am responsible for almost losing him?

 Steve L.

He might know, but he probably doesn’t care. He’s more focused on that lady ending his Grand Adventure Outside. I mean, it’s a good thing she did, but I bet all he can think about is all the things he probably missed out on. I bet he didn’t even get to chase after the ice cream man.

Dang. Now I want ice cream


Good on you to sleep on you human. Purring is posed to make them heal faster. I lay and purr on my humans chest when she can’t breathe well. I even stick my tail up her nose. It always seems to revive her some. Do you have any more suggestions to perk up the humans?


Well, aside from purring on them, I think it’s critical to ask them every 20 minutes how they feel. Humans are fragile creatures, prone to sudden changes, and it’s important to stay on top of it. It means less sleep for you, but someone has to wake them up to double check to make sure they’re breathing and that they can think coherently. You can check breathing while they sleep, but you really do need to talk to them, so wake that sicko up and be sure they haven’t faded mentally.

Now, I know it can be difficult to tell, but if you’re tuned into your human, you’ll figure it out. The first clue is how they react somewhere around the third time you wake them. If they groan and drool, they’re still sick. If they sit up and growl, your job is done and they have their mental faculties.

Relatively speaking. They’re still people, so… yeah. My train of thought just derailed. I have been taking care of a sick person for 10 days, after all.


Take a nap on the bed of each and every sticky person, rotating bed to bed all day long. Then get up to eat, stretch, and repeat. Trust me, those will be the most glorious naps ever.

Got a question for me?
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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Oh my word, Max!
    Your wisdom is exceptional, so I’m sure the Doctor will marry you!

  2. Jana says:

    Max, when is my hooman gonna STAHP sleepin fru da nite? She like sevven in cat years, and I dont kno how much longer i can stand stayin awake all day when she not at werk. Wen my sisfur Spider was alife, she stayd up all owrs wiff hooman. I’m not a “day” person. It get BOORRING at 3 a.m. wen she sleep! And she get mad if i put a claw in her eye to remind her it time to hang out. Wut do I doo? Fanks, Gracie

  3. Casper says:

    hay max we herd its yer moms birthday! Duz that meen u git stake????? Can I come over? (Hope yer mom feels good enuf for a good berthday pawty!)

  4. Casper says:

    (hehe i furgot to ask my question….) Max, don’t you think it is speciest that they had a man human as Dr Who, a girl human as Dr Who, but NO CAT?????? Will that change in our lifetime?


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