Ask Max Monday: WE’RE SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER I THINK

July 24, 2017 |

Ask Max Monday

Dear Max, Cood you wish my goofy sister from annuder litter Gracie a happy twelf birfday today? I turnt nineteen lass munf, and the Food Lady sez if I make it to twunny, she’ll let me visit a real live rotissery chukkin farm and eet anyfing I kech. Do you fink she’z pullin my leg? Also, do you kno any ressipeez to rotisserficate my own chukkin? Or say a cheeky chipmunk dat teezes me outdoors? Fanks, Spider

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRACIE!!!

And dood…chipmunks are window entertainment, not food. Besides, even if you could catch one and get it onto a rotisserie, there’s not much meat on them, so it’s kind of a waste. But you’ll totally dig the rotisserie chicken farm. It’s known world-wide as “Costco” and they take care of all the hunting things, and stick it right in the oven for you! All you have to do is sit down at the food court and convince someone to peel the force field away from it, and dig in.

It’s it’s sooooo good. Sometimes the people go there and pick out a chicken and bring it home, and dood, it’s amazing. You might never want to eat anything else as long as you live.

Dear Max,

There was a tragic camper accident overnight in the foster room and now we can’t go camping anymore. Do you know if the foster lady’s insurance would cover a replacement? THANKS

~foster kittens of Random Felines

Ohhhh insurance is tricky. They take your money every month in case something happens and then when it does they’re all, nope, you exhaled three times when you only should have done it twice, plus you blinked when it wasn’t your turn AND you sniffed wrong, so we’re not paying your claim. So based on that…yeah, no, don’t expect the insurance to help out at all.

Granted, I dunno what happened because I didn’t see it mentioned on your blog (I read blogs still! Surprise!) but maybe I missed it. It’s a bummer you can’t go camping anymore. Where there’s camping, there’s bugs, and something those suckers are fun to catch.

MAX I WANT A TATTOO DUZ IT HURT AND HOW MANY MONIES IS IT?

DOOD YES IT HURTS AND IT COSTS ALL THE MONIES. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THE WOMAN IS ALL “OWWWWWW” WHEN SHE GETS ONE AND THEN IT’S LIKE, NO STEAK FOR A WHILE BECAUSE SHE SPENT ALL THE COINS. UNLESS YOU’RE GETTING ONE OF ME OR DOCTOR WHO, I WOULDN’T RECOMMEND IT.

IT’S BEEN NICE SHOUTING YOU, DOOD!

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook.

 

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Category: 0 - Featured, Ask Max Monday, Last Week, zzz Previous 3 cat articles

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hits, "The Emperor of San Francisco" and "Ozoo" [The Wick Chronicles].

Comments (5)

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  1. I too saw the photos of the camper accident at Random Felines, and it’s totalled! I suggest a nice cardboard box or two as replacements, and they are cheap or free.

  2. You read our blog? cool. mom promises to post the picture on Friday – she put it on the instathingie and facebook.

  3. GrammaDownInAlabama says:

    Dear Max:

    My cat Ozzy is bored, and he expects me to entertain him. But he’s not interested in anything I suggest. Screened porch bird watching?(Too hot) Toys? (Boring) Catnip (Also boring) Ice in a bowl? (Been there; done that) Play with sister? (Eeeeewww!!!)

    He’s only 8, but he acts like a grumpy old man. Any ideas?

    Ozzy’s mom

  4. Homer says:

    Hay Max, life is grate. I git to go owtside if I ware the baby harniss, and win we go I git to sit under the berd feeder. I wish I cood stay owt thare all day, but it makes me hungry! And the ladey holds the leesh so I have not bin suksessul ketching berds. I did ketch a baby lizzerd yesterday and I ate it and it wuz kinda like beef jerkey. Dry and a littul stringy. But I’m not cumplayning. Win I’m under the berd feeder, I sniff all the diffring smells, and THARE ARE SO MENNY!!! And thares a big rok thare that the berds poop on and that smells best of all. So my kweshchun is: Why is berd poop wite?

  5. Miss juliea says:

    I just moved in with my new mommy two weeks ago and I am trying to learn to be nice and not bite her hard or scratch her when she pets me. But I am a sassy torte-calico and sometimes my natural feistiness gets the better of me. My mommy has learned to give me a toy like a nip nanner when I go to bite her and that is working pretty good. My mommy is pretty smart. But I also live with an old big dog who is never mean to me but only wants to be my friend. But I am afraid f him and I hiss and growl and spit and even scratch at him. When mommy gives us treats, she always gives equal pieces to each of us. How can I not be so scared of him? He was friends with the two cats who came before me but have now crossed the bridge.

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