Ask Max Monday: Sneaky Snacky Treats

Ask Max Monday

Dear Mr. Max, I am Sterling and I am six months old. I got dopted from the shelter about a month ago by a nice lady. She gives me hugs and kisses (ick) and pets my cheeks just right. There is other cats here who are mostly OK one of them plays with me sometimes. The other two is his mama and one very old ladycat I stay away from her because the humans yell at me if I try to play with her. Why does the humans get all excited when I play with toy mousies? They say I am a good hunter and I killed the mousie. Don’t they know a real mousy from a toy mousy? I starting to think humans are not so smart. What do you think?

People get excited about a lot of things that make no sense. Like, a couple of weeks ago when the Woman was in the bathroom, I hopped in the tub and peed there. She got, like, six kinds of excited. She didn’t get mad, but dang, you’d think I did something no kitty ever has before (so I didn’t tell her I pee in there a lot, though I think she guessed based on the smell of a sponge she’d left behind.)(And now she’s better about cleaning my box.)(I still pee in the tub but I make sure it’s when she’s asleep.)(No, I’m not sick, I just like peeing in the tub.)

I think they DO know the difference between a real mouse and a toy mouse, but they want US to get excited about the toys they buy for us. Just go with it. It’s a small thing that makes them happy, and if they’re happy, they’re a little easier to get snacks from.

If you want to gross them out, though, drown your toy mouse in your water dish. They’re both disgusted AND proud, and watching them struggle with that is pretty freaking funny.

hey max, do those stoopid kittens ever stop stinking?

Based on my experiences with Buddah…no. Never. He’s 12 now and still…yep, stinky.

Dear Max,

Do you guys get nasty smelling stuff put on your skin once a month? It is supposed to kill off all the bad bugs and keep them from laying eggs on you and stuff. We three cats were allowed out in the summer and we had to get the stinky stuff on us but now we have to stay indoors all the time because our mom says she can’t go outside because the mosquitoes eat her. Just last night there was one EEEEEING (that whiney noise) all around her head and she freaked out. Do you think we need that stinky stuff on us even though we don’t go outside? Our mom says we will get worms!!!! in our hearts, and bad viruses outside. Can we get them inside too? She and the man are old now and he is always complaining about how much we cost. We don’t know what he is talking about. 

Thankx,

Charlotte, Chaucer, and Linnet

I never go outside—I don’t see a point, since my food and toys live inside and there are rude intruder cats and dogs outside—so I don’t have to get any goopy stuff put on me. Sometimes bugs get in the house, but when that happens someone scoops them up and takes them back outside, and they get a stern lecture about trespassing and the laws of breaking and entering.

You’re definitely more susceptible to gross things getting in your body when you’re outside than you are when you’re inside. There’s still a chance getting them inside, but my people decided the risk is pretty small, so we go unmolested as far as the goopy things go.

Tell your dad that you might be expensive, but having cats has been scientifically proven to make people healthier and live longer, so he’s not just spending money on you. He’s investing in himself.

True story. I read it on the Internet.

Ever night before dinner, the foster mom has been giving me a new treat. Before I get it she hides something inside of it. What’s she hiding? Is it a treat within a treat? She’s so proud when I eat it, too and says I’m making things easier for her. I’m starting to get suspicious that this is some kind of mind control “treat.” Also, do I WANT to make things easier for her? Thanks, Dude.

Well, there are these special treats that are crunchy on the outside and not so crunchy on the inside. I bet that’s what you’re getting, and she has to add extra not-so-crunchy stuff because they didn’t come with enough. That totally has to be it, and not that she’s drugging you. And even if she is, dood, TREATS. I’d let someone slip me a mickey if it meant getting some extra treats.

And yeah, you wanna make things easier for her. She has the thumbs. The thumbs open things we can’t. Until we get thumbs of our own, we have to put up with the limitations of the lesser species. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Max…I was forced to watch HGTV today, because that’s what the Mom wanted. There was a show where people go look at houses and then decide the one they want to buy. Well, at the end of one episode the lady and her husband were talking about what house they wanted to buy, and they had cupcakes while they talked. She used a fork on her cupcake. WHO USES A FORK ON A CUPCAKE??? Honestly, Max, what’s wrong with people? A FORK. ON A CUPCAKE.

Ha, dood, she was just being all delicate and stuff while the camera was rolling. You freaking well now that as soon as filming stopped, she hoovered that cupcake so hard that frosting came out her nose.

And damn, now I want cake.

 

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook.

 

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (6)

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  1. I agree, Max…she shoved the rest of that cupcake into her pie hole in a twinkle once the cameras quit!

  2. Carli says:

    If you eat a cupcake with a fork you don’t deserve a house.

  3. Miss Juliea says:

    When I was growing up we lived on a quiet dead end street and my parents didn’t believe in litter boxes. So my Cinders slept with me every night and was indoor/outdoor the rest of the time. She also used the bathtub for her potty if nobody let her out and we were very happy about that! It was so easy to clean and she was my cat and I got to clean it starting when I got her when I was 6 years old. No big deal. It’s the best place she could have gone. Your lady should be grateful that you are so thoughtful that way!

  4. Max…. so we got a new addition. Only we think something may have broken in transport cause her head sits kind of funny. Mom says it is due to an ear infection the kitten had. We think we should sue the delivery company. What do you think?

    Random Felines

  5. GrammaDownInAlabama says:

    Dear Mac:

    Why does my cat want to show me her butt? I realize it’s cute and fluffy, but it’s also capable of producing lethal gasses. I’d much rather see her beautiful face. I’ve explained this to her, but she persists. Any ideas?

    Sammi’s Mom

  6. GrammaDownInAlabama says:

    I know you are Max! Dang autocorrect! My apologies,sir…

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