Ask Max Monday: Squeak, Squeak, Squeak

Sorry I’m late getting this online today; we had some computer issues and everything I had already done is stuck on a broken laptop, which meant re-writing and I had to ponder hard and re-organize my thinks before doing that.

Max, so we asked you before about what we should do when that woman that lives in our house has her oper-way-shun, and you gave good advice. But we just thought of something TERRIFYING. If she has to lay in bed all day, WHO IS GOING TO FEED US? what is the protocol for getting her lazy butt, errrrrr, ummmmm, for assisting her in getting up to go down the stairs and feed us? What if she takes those pills that make her dizzy and she falls over the railing and into the living room? Can we drag our dishes and the bag of food over to her? Or should we just leave her there on the floor and rip into the bag of food and feed ourselfs?

Self-sufficiency is always a good thing, and it will make your human feel a lot better if you demonstrate an ability to help her out. So clearly, just leave her on the floor and rip the food bag open to feed yourselves. Your main concern, though, will be water. If she can’t feed you, she can’t get water for you, and this could result in an emergency.

Dood. You have to do it.

Drink out of the toilet. That way you don’t have to worry about getting her to do anything for you, and you won’t starve or die of thirst while she recovers. And she better have presents for you when she’s better, seeing as how you’re doing what you can to aid in her recovery.

Dear Max,

My cat is about 16 years old and we have had him since he was about 9 months old. He has always had a rabbit (or two) living in the house with us for company, but our last rabbit passed away this year and it is unlikely that we will have another rabbit anytime soon due to my allergies to hay and us spending alot of time at work. We tried adding a second cat about 10 years ago, but honestly, she scared the heck out of him and to this very day, he sometimes still cautiously looks under the bedskirts to see if she traveled through a time warp to come back and attack him. What is the best way to keep him entertained? If I fostered kitens for a rescue, do you think they might scare him?

Thank you for any ideas you might have Max.

sandy

Bringing other kitties in is always a crapshoot. The People thought I missed having a friend after Hank the Dog went to the Bridge so they brought Buddah home, and that was a giant mistake.

Still…if what you want to do is foster, that leaves you wiggle room. Kittens are adorable and not scary at all, but if they do freak him out, they won’t be there for forever. Heck I was very interested in Buddah when he was tiny, right up until I got sick. Just be careful in how you introduce them, and then see how it goes. He might even pick one and then you’ll be stuck with it. Heh.

Dear Max,

Many purrs, Max. I wanted to write you last week, but Human Mommy suspended my internet access because I broke the vase she inherited from her grandma which really wasn’t fair at all because Human Daddy fixed it, like all the other things I’ve broken, except for the window blinds that have to be replaced and the miniature Eiffel Tower ornament that was beyond saving, with crazy glue.
Sadly, I don’t have curtains. I would like to climb curtains very much. Do you think I convince my people to acquire some? Like, maybe if I wreck ALL the blinds? Also, you are a magnificent feline. You look almost as big as my uncle Phelps who is over 16 pounds. How many noms do you think I need to nom per day to get as big and magnificent as you?

Purringly yours,

Finnegan the Kitten

Yes, little man, you do indeed need to destroy all the blinds. That way they have to replace them, and chances are it will be with less expensive curtains. Then you have something upon which to climb and rule the world. It will be glorious!

Oh, and you need to eat 1,487 crunchy foods a day to reach my magnificence. Or 2-3 three ounce cans of stinky goodness. I prefer the latter, but I do enjoy crunchy foods, too, and if you get to have both every day, that’s even better. Don’t forget to save room for teats. A day without treats is like a day without a purpose for living.

HAY MAX I’M HAVIN A PROBLIM WITH THE STOOPID PEEPLE. THAT LITTLE MIDJIT CAT HAS PROOVIN HISSELF TO BE QWITE USEFUL CUZ HE REELY LIKES LIKKING MY POOP HOLE IN FACT HE REELY GITS HIS NOZE IN THARE AND GITS IT SO KLEEN IT SQWEEKS. THAT’S GOOD CUZ I CAN’T REECH BAK THARE TO GIT ALL THE KRUSTEEZ. MY LADEY THINKS IT’S GRATE CUZ IT MEENS SHE WON’T HAVE TO DO POOPHOLE HYJEEN ANY MORE. THE MAN HOO IS TOTULLY UNREEZUNUBUL MAKES THE LITTLE MIDGIT CAT STOP. IF YER KEEPING SKORE, THAT’S THREE AGINST ONE. SO WHY CAN’T THE MIDGIT CAT KEEP ON DOING IT? IT FEELS GUD, TOO!

I dunno what the problem is. SOMEONE is gonna be licking that asterisk, does it really matter who? If the little dood enjoys it, he might as well be the one. He’s gonna lick his own, anyway, and an asterisk is an asterisk is an asterisk. Just take the newby into a room where the man is not, and let him clean you until everything is squeaky and shiny. There is nothing like a squeaky asterisk. Nothing.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured, Last Week, zzz Previous 3 cat articles

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Banzai says:

    max i am only too and a half pownds and i’m trying to bulk up a little. i eet a lot but it all comes out my pooper like a frate trane. I tride adding some fiber by kleening my lardbutt buddeez butt but the man with the short hed furz don’t like that. I eet 2 cans of fansy feest evry day and a full bole of kittin kibble. How do I git 2B a burly mancat fizeek, like you?

  2. Sandy L. says:

    Thank you for your words of wisdom Max – I may have to try fostering a kitty (or two or three) and see what happens. Adding a kitty wouldn’t be bad if he actually took to one, although you said you didn’t like Buddah so much when he got bigger. Heck, maybe Toby will have to remain King of the House then! Cats like that, don’t they?

  3. Dio the Kitty says:

    Dear Max, I make my mom gibe me brushing and combing ebery mornings twice. Dis morning she axed me “How many brushings and combings does one little cat need?” Max, what’s da correct answer? I don’t wike maf problems. Love, Dio.

  4. casper says:

    Hey Max, whut are yoo waring for a halloween kostoom this yeer?

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