Ask Max Monday: Squish A Kitty Optimal Training


Max, we chit you not, da hooman turns 40 dis week. She kinda slippin. Her brane seem a bit derpy. Any tips for caring for a old-AF hooman? How we make shur we git da house wen she ded? How we petishun for pawer of a-turny? Mos importint, do you fink we can lern how to yooz a canopenr on YooToob? If she not ded soon, wut we git her for her birfday? Luv, Spider and Gracie

Luckily for you, even when people are disgustingly old, with their old people smells and papery skin and watery eyes, they’re still fairly useful. Mine are 15 years older than yours, and still function adequately most of the time. Still, you might want to get online and find a really good Feline Rights and Survivorship attorney to make sure all the bases are covered. You want at the very least to have a legally binding trust that gives you residence rights no matter who else gets the house (there has to be a human, there’s no way around it) and that whomever is in the house with you is required to function as your can opener.

I’m pretty sure you can find a FRAS lawyer on Amazon—they have everything—or if not Craigslist. And while you’re perusing Amazon, you can look for a birthday present for her. Right now is a really good time to shop, because they have spiffy Daily and Lightning Deals going on, and you might be able to score her a lovely set of real fake ruby nose studs, or a box filled with gummi bears. People like gummi bears.

Hay Max, My brudder is da gratest. He kleens my butt hole reel good — reely gits in evry nook and cranny. But heerz the problim: after he gits dun kleening my butt hole, he LIKS MY FACE AND GITS BUTT JOOSE ALL OVER IT! So whuts werse – stinky butt and kleen face, or kleen butt and stinky face?

I wouldn’t worry too much about the order of things. Either way, he’s probably swallowed all the butt juice and it’s not getting on your face. But if you want to be sure, just before he bathes your nether regions, give yourself a good scoot across the carpet for some pre-activities cleaning. Make sure it’s a light-colored carpet or rug; that way you can take a quick look to be sure you got any nasties removed, and then you can both enjoy a relatively stink-free bathing experience.

Hi Max !

 and Meowy Catmas to you and your People Employees!

I am soon going to be age 11 on December 22nd 2016.

My trouble is we got stuck with a kitten. Yes, I know I was a Kitten once too.  This Pumpkin Kitten is more like PUMPED Kitten as her Duracell Batteries never run down!

She Jumps on my back continuously and sinks her teeth into my Neck! How do I get her to understand she must give me Respect as Eldest Cat??

Should I bites her Ear or her Paw unto it bleeds??

This kitten has scratched my Dear Moms so much too! Helps we need helps as my dear Moms is a Purrson even and PUMPED Kitten jumps on her back  too if Moms bends over to grab something!

Biting until she bleeds isn’t going to do anything except make her cry, and then people get involved, you get blamed, everyone is upset, and the kitten winds up feeling smug and powerful, and you can’t have that. But, as the elder one, you have a responsibility to teach her how to cat; kittens just don’t know how, and they have so much energy that they turn into furry little tornados that scream through the house, leaving nothing but detritus in their wake.

First, she needs to learn that jumping on you and biting you is unacceptable. When Buddah was a crackhead kitten he used to do the same thing to me, but I was too sick to do anything about it. But if I’d been able to…as soon as he was on my back, I would have dropped to the floor and rolled over, pinning him down. This is not mean; this is teaching.  Once on the floor, I would have placed my mighty paw on his head and held him there, until he stopped being so wiggly.

This is what mother cats do to teach their kittens how to behave. Some of them need reminder lessons, so pinning them down is not only acceptable, it’s necessary. It might also help, in random moments that the kitten doesn’t expect, to just push her over to the floor and sit on her. Let her know whose really in charge. Position yourself so that her mouth can’t get to you, and you’ll have a bite-free lesson going on.

Distraction is also helpful. When she’s coming at you, glance away and say, “Ooh look! A shiny thing!” and she’ll want to see the shiny thing and might even go try to find it, giving you a break. If she doesn’t go look, knock her over and sit on her. She’ll learn.

Don’t worry about her climbing and scratching your Mom. That’s her problem. She can still perform her duties to you if she’s bleeding a little.


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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Random Felines says:

    We agree about the sitting thing. Mom lets Tommy sit on ornery kittens all the time. But you gotta make sure those kittens get lots of playtime. The more tired they are, the less trouble they cause.

    Merry Catmas Max, Buddah and your people.

  2. jmuhj says:

    Are you related in any degree to our Baby Su? You do share certain character traits. Just sayin’.

  3. Homer says:

    Hay Max, Wut do you git more points for, 1) pulling strings of lites offa da krissmiss tree and hiding them beehind the cowch, 2) Killing an ornamint wile its still on the krissmiss tree so that it hangs thare with a big gaping hole in its side that screams, “OK Cat you wun this rownd,” or 3) Making the krissmiss tree faint?


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