Ask Max Monday: Strolling Into the Holidays. Kinda.

Deer Max Dood, I LOVE CATMAS!!!! I love the trees and ornamints, and stuff all ofur the table. I especially love it on the floor. Apparently mine mom is a GRINCH and HATES me and HATES catmas. She WILL NOT get a tree. Again. Because she complains that I break everything off the tree, rip up the pretty skirt, knock the tree over, try to live in the tree, and that I try and eat it and then throw up green stuff. I am a christmas cat – mine gotcha day is Dec 23. How can I make her put the tree up in cellybrashun of mine gotcha day? Can’t it be a gotcha day tree? I am heartbroken, and desperate, and maybe she will listen to you if you say that I should have a tree. You should have a tree. It takes effort to have a tree when there’s an overly enthusiastic feline family member, but totally worth it. Aside from the things I mentioned last week—anchor the tree to a wall, use weights at the base to hold it down, and have non-breakable ornaments—get a fake tree. They don’t taste good so you won’t eat much of it, and if you don’t eat much of it you won’t hork up the pine needles. In your case, I would suggest no lights, because I have a feeling you actually would bite down on them more than once, but Christmas and holiday and Gotcha trees are still pretty without lights. Oh! Maybe she can get you one made out of tinsel! Those are VERY pretty, and if you eat any of it, your poop will be super festive! She’s GOTTA like that! Why are there 492 sleeps before Santa because Christmas is on December 25th. That is a lot of sleeping for only 20 Days before Christmas  Eve! I take a lot of naps… MAX MY PEOPLE GOT A STROLLER AND I DON’T WANT TO GO IN IT, HOW DO I STOP THIS MADNESS? Get in it. Once. Once is all it takes. Jump in, walk in circles for a few second, then let loose the bowels of war. Or bladder. But bowels work better. If they think you’re gonna poop every time they get it ready for walking outside, they’ll give up. Or, you know, it might be for an impending sticky person. Think about THAT! And then practice keeping your tail to yourself, because sticky people learn to grab within the first six months. Max, my cat is leash trained. Can he be taught to jog with me? Probably, but that seems kinda mean. Look at his short little legs. Those things aren’t meant for going long distances. They’re meant for short bursts to catch prey. Unless your run is taking you to the end of the driveway and back, I suggest getting a dog. And not like a chihuahua, but a dog that actually can go on runs. Like a Lab or Golden Retriever. Taking a cat on a long run will probably injure him, or he’ll wind up with over-use issues. Or maybe find the kitty from the question above and buy the stroller he doesn’t want to use. Your cat might like going on runs if he can ride. (Really, talk to your stabby guy. I don’t think cats can go jogging, but he or she would know better.) MAX ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL THE DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!!! I KNOW!!! AND THERE’S A WHO MARATHON ON BBCA ALL DAY BEFOREHAND!!! I KNOW WHAT I’M GONNA BE DOING, AND IT’S NOT JUST EXCLAMATION POINT ABUSE!!! Dear Max, I’m 18 years old. I’m reasonably sure there are only 75 sleeps until Christmas. Well, yeah, dood, when you’re as old as Methuselah, you kinda blend the naps together…

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Max, I was with my friend this weekend, and she purchased a stroller for pets! So cool; may think of getting one for Manny and Chili Bruce. Well, it would have to be BIG, because those boys take up some space!

  2. Max – apparently ceramic catmas treest DO NOT BOUNCE. I thought that because there was carpet it would. BTW – I gotted a gotcha day tree – it’s cat sized and PURPLE TINSEL. It does not taste good.

    Mine brofur is hafing an oper-way-shun on his tummy. How long should I wait until I chase his through the house?


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