Ask Max Monday: Thank You, And Yes, I Am…

Ask Max Monday

If the mom has oxtail soup then I should get some too right? Because she is a food hoarder and not good at sharing anything. Also, since I have been sick and having radiation and stuff, I have asked the mom to get off her fat butt and hello me write a book. She has been saying that she is doing to help me write one for years. Her excuse is that it’s a children’s book I want to write which means pictures and she says she doesn’t how to get that part done. How can I get her off her fat butt to get this done?

Yes, you should totally get a taste, especially if you were good while she ate and didn’t beg. That’s the rule. No begging.

And dood, getting a person to sit down and write is a full time job all by itself. You just have to pin them down at their desk and force them to write. She doesn’t need to worry about the pictures yet, just write the story, and she can find an illustrator when it’s done. Some publishers even have their own in-house artists. If she goes indie, there are lots online who have portfolios to skim through…but the story comes first. SIT ON HER and make her write!

Oooh, planning a new book sounds great. I plan loads but never seem to get any where…. well, not yet but soon. I love how you spend those spare and rare moments between your endeavours checking the furniture. Tell me, do get paid, or is it a labour of love?
Now as to a question…. The cost of living seems to go up rather than down. Do you have any money saving tips for the cost conscious house keeper… well she was conscious until she saw how much the cheese bill was MOL
Toodle pips and purrs

I get paid for my work. I have a bank account and everything. I don’t know how much is in it because I frankly don’t care about those things, but every year there’s enough to buy a lot of toys for Toys For Tots at Christmas.

The best way to save money is to not spend it. For reals! I just leave my money alone and let the people buy all the food and stuff. There’s the ticket…find someone else to buy stuff, and save all the other money for yourself.

Dear Max,

I am SOOOO much looking forward to reading your new books to our cats, that is if Lady Charlotte can keep from picking on Chaucer and if Linnet does not try to scratch everyone! Linnet is pushy and wants all the attention.

I have a question for you. Do you or your humans know why some kitties cannot get high on catnip? Lady Charlotte loves the stuff but Chaucer and Linnet just ignore it and I have really really primo nip for all of them.

I bought some silver leaf that Chaucer and Linnet like but it is really expensive and they don’t act near as loopy as Lady Charlotte does on nip. I even bought some seeds and planted them but they didn’t grow!

Max, you are so handsome! You do know that, don’t you? I love all your photos.

Best wishes,

A cat’s response to nip is genetic, and some cats lack the gene that lets them get a nice buzz going. It sucks for them, but there’s really nothing you can do. And some kitties will get a little buzz that wears off super fast, and then they don’t react to it again for several hours. I really feel for the cats who don’t have the gene. They’re really downers at parties and then no one invites them again.

And thank you. Yes, I am handsome. I’m pretty, too.


I have a problem.  My sis left us for the Bridge a couple of months ago and now I’m in charge.  This means I have to look after Fort Meezer here and mom and dad.  Well, all was great when there was snow everywhere cause mom didn’t want to get out and walk.  The snow is gone now and she is walking with me in our Lane.  I tell you Max watching for her safety and reading the newspaper after 7 months of deep snow is difficult.  There is tons of news and mom won’t stand still.  My eyes are swishing back and forth so reading is difficult.  What can I do to keep mom in one place while I enjoy reading messages from my friends?

Suspicious Shoko

Dood, is she walking with the newspaper? Because that’s just dangerous. If I were you I’d hide the newspaper until she’s done walking. Drag it into a closet and you can read it there, then hand it over later. I mean, reading and walking is kinda like trying to text and walk and people who do that wind up going face first into lamp posts.

Hi Max! Its Mango! I am CURED!

I do not have Discoid Lupus eye symptoms any more!  Hooray!  I was very bad for 14 to 20 days!  I had to go to a Lady Veterinarian! I did not get stabbed! She just gave Mom the sticky goop to put on me! Mom says it is a an ophthalmic (that means its okay to use as eye goop) so anyheows its atriple antibiotic ointment with 1% steroid in it too!

My Mom kept catching me to put sticky goop in my eyes and rubbed it in my ears and on both sides on both sides of my  cute furry  nosey. So I hid but Mom always found me! Today, Max,  I am Meiowing Out Loud that I am well! It turns out Mom thinks I had an allergy to toy innards!  See my naughty Brofurr Jack tore open a CATNIP Kickeroo that my Favorite Best Male Cat love sent it to ME! It was my toy! But Jack swiped it and tore it wide open with fuzzy toy innards everywhere! I was allergic to the fuzzy innards!

However, Max, I jumped by to say that both cats and dogs can exhibit Lupus symptoms. But Its important to look for allergens too!

Good news, dood! And yes, keeping an eye out for allergies is important. Like, I have seasonal allergies and I cough a few times a week for a couple weeks twice a year. If the people didn’t pay close attention, they might think I have lung or heart problems like the cat who came before me had, and I’d get subjected to a lot of unnecessary poking by the stabby guy (who is actually a very nice lady but I still don’t want her poking me.)

I do have a question Max,  does the post office pick up boxes labeled RETURN TO SENDER? Do you think they would think it odd if some air breathing holes were poked into the box?

Do you think I could put my new Sissyfur. Sassy pants named BelllaJo in a box and seals it and pokes a few holes in the box, can the Post Office sends her back where she came from? How do you get a new cat sent back to where she came from? Oh Max, I knows I am supposed to tries to like hers, but she took my favorite living room cat tree spot! Do you have any ideas? By the way, I am smallest cat, every furry body is bigger than me!

Uh, yeah, I think there would be questions about airholes. They ask a lot of questions when you mail a box, and PERISHABLE is one of them. Pretty sure anything that needs airholes is perishable and they’re not gonna take it.

I dunno what to do about the tree. Buddah took mine. I suppose I could just knock him off it, but…meh.

Max, what toys appeal to older kittehs? How about things the humans don’t have to be attached to? What do you mature felines appreciate? What propels your pounce? Our three fur-dudes are turning into fluffy lumps, and we’d like something to entertain them that doesn’t require our participation — there’s only so many times I can wave a cat teaser before I lose what’s left of my mind!

You’re a big hunka adorable fur, Max, and we love ya!

The hoomans from Cheezeland

The only toys I really like are my nip banana and these spiffy nip pillows the Woman got for me on Amazon. Now, I suppose I would get excited if there was a real live mouse running around the house. I would chase that. Maybe that’s what you need. Mice. The little white ones might be tons of fun. I bet they squeak nice, too.

But tell the kitties NO BITING. I have it on good authority that mice taste horrible. They’re just for playing, not eating.

Hi Max! I always read your column and think you give good advice. You’re also very handsome. Do you want a girlfriend?
Katie Tulip from Carlsbad

Thank you, I think I’m handsome, too. Alas, I am a confirmed bachelor. I’m super old, I don’t have my nads, and I don’t like going outside so I’m not so great at dating. I mean, ask Weezer. She’s been asking me out for YEARS and apparently “the second Tuesday of next week” isn’t going over well anymore.

She’s so mad she moved to a whole new country to get away from me.

Go figure.

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Gracie (also known as Amazing Gracie) says:

    Hi Max, To answer the catnip isshue: if you eat it (like I do), it will make you sleepy. If you are a sniffer, you will get wonky and crazy for a while. My human gives it to me when I am crazy (flying through the house) to calm me down and that gives me a chance to build up more energy to do more flying.

  2. Max: how can you tell if something is mentally wrong with one of your sisfurs? She likes to go outside with the mom, she doesn’t like catnip or whipped cream, and she sleeps in the cat carrier. What gives??

  3. Fudgie says:

    Um Max,

    I think “reading the newspaper” is maybe a ufamism of sniffing the smells and finding out who has been around doing what to whom. I like sniffing where the squirrel has hid her nuts and dig them up but the human doesn’t let me out much at all and then she hovers.



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