Ask Max Monday: There’s No Place Like Home

Ask Max Monday

Dear Wise Max,

My name is Sonny, but my mama calls me Muffin, or Fluffyfloofkins (why does she do this? I mean I am quite fluffy and must say very handsome, but sheesh a cat requires dignity) I am almost 13 and have two pain in the *asterick* sisters, Little Miss Sapphire and Temperance Sweets (mama liked the show Bones). Mama found me at the Target when I was just a tiny ball of orange fluff. Now I’m a sleek 17 pounds of magnificent beast. 

I was most instrumental in my mama recovering from that nasty booby disease and never left her side when she had to spend like a skabillion sleeps in the human stabby place getting that yucky stuff out of her body.  It’s been many sleeps since she came home, but I overheard her on the phone and it came back.  How I can help my mama this time?  Can I go with her to the stabby place and snoopervise those doctors who poke and prod her and make her cry?  I think I’d look quite dashing with a stethoscope and my sisters could help, maybe, they’re kind of spoiled.  

I slept on my mama’s chest for weeks to remind her that she needed to go to the boobsquishing place because **I KNEW** something was wrong with her.  I’m very sad about this and haven’t even horked up a hairball on her favorite shoes for weeks so she would know how much I love her.  My Sticky human brother is getting boots at a camp,  I don’t know what that even means but she cries and says he’s becoming a soldier, (what do boots and camping have to do with that?) Why are humans so complicated Max?  Do you think I can become a surgeon to fix my mama for good?  She is really the best mama, she gives us that Fancy canned stinky goodness everytime she  comes home from the doctor or even goes to the store.  She even gave me a big bite of that chicken that comes in a big red and white bucket, I think because she knows I have healing powers.  Not my sisters. She leaves the blinds open so I can see and smell the outside and lets me go on the patio but made it safe for other kittys to not jump into MY patio. She lets me sleep on her pillow and sit next to her when she watches NCIS, not the girls, just me.  They have to sit on the other side.  What can a somewhat older, yet still debonair and handsome kitty do to help his mama?  Please wise Max help me out.

Your faithful fan,

Sonny

PS my snoopy sisters say they love you long time… sheesh girls….

Humans are definitely complicated creatures, but they have to be. They’re at the top of the food chain and not only have to figure things out for themselves but for us and all the other furry creatures, too. Their lives get wrapped around so many things, and a lot of it is out of their control—like being sick.

We can’t become the doctors and nurses that they need, but what we can do is pretty important: just be there. Purr therapy is a medicine that they need, even when they don’t realize it. Curl up in her lap when she’s sitting or anywhere on her you’ll fit if she’s lying down. Tuck in close if you think she’s too uncomfortable to bear your weight, and just purr. Gentle headbutts and nose kisses help, too.

Dood, really, just be you. That’s what she needs. Maybe moreso with your sticky human off training to be a soldier…the Man went through the Air Force’s basic training, which is basically the same thing as boot camp, and it’s kind of tough. Your mom knows this and is probably worried about him on top of everything else.

You can’t fix things, but you can make them better.

Oh, and learn from my mistake. Don’t let a nose kiss end with your tongue in her nostril. It’s just…ick.

= = =

MAX WHY THE PEOPLE GOTTA STAY HOME? THE STICKIES SHOULD BE IN SCHOOL BUT I HEARD THEM SAY THEY DON’T GOTTA. AND SOMEONE IS MAD THAT THERE’S NO TORPEDO CHIPS IN THE STORE AND SHE WANTS CHIPS AND SALSA. WASSUP WITH THAT?

I know it might be hard to have all your naps interrupted, but the sticky people staying home from school for a while is pretty important. Right now, there’s a virus making the rounds and it’s a nasty one that looks as if it’s going to get even nastier over the next couple of weeks. The best way to keep people from getting it is to keep them home, away from other people, just in case those other people have it and don’t know it.

Yeah, I know it’s a pain and there are going to be people who whine and moan about it because it disrupts their little worlds, but they’ll get over it. We’ll get over having our naps interrupted, too. If we’re lucky—if the people are lucky—it will turn out to be much ado about nothing…and that’s the whole point of them staying home. To turn the worry into relief over nothing.

There are also a bunch of people saying it’s hyped up too much and “not that bad.” Doods…the Man works in a hospital. He’s smart and very well educated. He’s the dood who puts you to sleep for surgery. And he is absolutely taking this seriously. My people aren’t going outside much, either, though he still has to work because, well, hospital people have to keep working. And he’s okay with that. But he did call his mom to tell her to hunker down, he wants her and everyone else to understand that this isn’t a joke. It’s not an overreaction. Unchecked, this virus could double, then double again, then double that again…

But the missing chips and salsa? Yeah, some people went nuts while shopping and bought way more than they’ll need to get through a couple of weeks. I mean, I get it. They’re afraid. But common sense is still a thing people should have, and it went right out the window this week.

Hopefully, they’ll do better this week. Well, hopefully they have what they need, the stores can re-stock, and those who didn’t get to shop this weekend will be able to…using common sense.

People…take cues from your cats. Stay home, curl up, enjoy life right there in your own domain. WASH YOUR HANDS. Though, maybe not with your tongue. That would just be disturbing.

= = =

Yeah, doods, the people might be home a lot over the next couple of weeks. And they might get bored. So for a limited time—until next Sunday—I’m offering some of my books for free. No strings attached. Just enjoy them if you haven’t yet read them. Up for grabs are the first three books in the Wick series (in one edition, the Wick Chronicles Omnibus) and the duology of Wick After Dark (in one edition.)

Click here for the Wick Chronicles Omnibus.

Click here for Wick After Dark.

As the week progresses, we might put a few more up for free, and we’re checking on digital rights for the Woman’s Charybdis series for those who like beach reads and not sci-fi. If there are no exclusivity things attached to any of them, she’ll offer that, too. Just check my blog or Facebook page, the links will be there, probably after Wednesday.

Please take the whole notion of social distancing seriously. You don’t have to hide from life, but for the next few weeks it just makes sense. This really is a matter of better safe than sorry. AND READ MORE BOOKS!

= = =

Got a question? Drop me a line at askmaxmonday@gmail.com or leave it in the comments here.

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Well, it’s awfully nice to offer your books!
    We have the sads for Sonny and his peep; here’s hoping the peep is cured for good.
    The Hubby is retired, so he isn’t changing anything about what he does…since he doesn’t go anywhere, but I’m working from home and will have to get used to being isolated from my work team.
    Everyone, be safe out there!

  2. Hnossa says:

    So nice of you to offer your books for free. Max. My human already has them all, I’ve read them on her tablet thing.

    I don’t like this pandemic thing. The human has to stay home now, so I have to snoopervise to make sure she actually does some work. It’s exhausting! The stabby place even cancelled my radioactive iodine treatment, so I have to wait to get super powers. How come I can’t get my super powers now?

    Do kitties get the pandemic, Max? I don’t want to do quarantine, whatever that is, I just want to stay home.

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