Ask Max Monday: Total Eclipse of the…

Hey Max….

So the foster lady shut me out of the foster room and then ran the sucky thing and then moved some other kittens in there and now I can’t get back in there. OK – so when I was in there I kept running out, but I thought that was MY room. She says it is just until I get some sort of surgery and then I can be adopted and in the mean time I need to leave that momma cat and her kittens alone.

What the heck? Thanks – Bacall

Hahahahahahahahahahaha dood you are about to enjoy the 7 kinds of fun known as NOOTERING. Now, you need to play very close attention when you go to the stabby place to have this done, because so far the highest anyone has been able to count is 3 kinds of fun, but we know there’s 4 more, and it’s your sacred duty as a cat to try to figure out the other 4.

And yeah, unless you want to pay kitty support for the next 12 years, leave the momma cat alone. The last thing she wants right now is to wind up with more kittens, and if you get too close she just might nooter you before the stabby guy can. And she won’t use any of the fun drugs when she does it

Mom likes to put things around my neck, too, even though she knows they give me the itches. Luckily, they don’t stay on long before she realizes that I’ve created a few bald patches from itching. I do have a microchip if I were to get out. I have never had to wear one of those “cones of shame.” Thank goodness! Have you had to wear one of those before, Max? That party at Lucifer’s house sounds like a blast! Mew Mew!

I don’t think I’ve ever had to wear one, not even when I got nootered. I’m not sure why. I also don’t remember Buddah wearing one, either, but by then he and I were keeping separate areas in the house, so who knows? I kind of wish I had one. I bet I could catch HBO for free with one, and I’d be able to check out this Game of Thrones everyone is getting so excited about.

Hay Max! I werk reely hard gittin mah stink on stuff arownd the house. It is a BIG JOB! If I’s not nappin’ I’s rubbin the wall corners and da fernicher and the carpit. But DANG! Da peeps come thru and take mah stinks away. They run the toy sukker upper masheen all over da place and wash stuff, and then I have to start all over agin. Mah brudder kalls me Sissyfuss, wich I don’t like acuz I am a MANCAT, not a pantywaste. How can I git the peeps to leeve mah smells ALONE!

Dood. Sisyphus was a total badass, so if your brother keeps calling you that, he’s just jealous of your dedication and massive muscles. You see, Sisyphus spent his days pushing a very big rock up a very steep hill, and when you do that all day, you get RIPPED. So next time he calls you that, just stick out your tongue at him and then say, “Damn straight I am!”

I don’t think you’ll win on the whole smell thing, though. People are weird about that. Your best option is too pee somewhere they can’t readily clean, but trust me…do that and eventually you’ll suffer for it, too, because that smell just gets worse and the longer it lingers the worse it is.

Maybe lick them instead. People can be tall, tasty salt-licks, and you get your smell on them, and they think it’s cute. Sure, they shower eventually, but then you get to do it all over again. Wait until they’ve gotten sweaty to maximum taste. If you lick them right out of the shower all you get is a mouth full of soap and fleshy sadness.

MAX WHATS THE EKLIPSE THAT HAS EVERYONE SO EXCITED? MY STICKIES ARE GOING NUTS WAITING FOR IT.

Dood, an eclipse is when the moon gets its panties in a wad and sits in front of the sun, like, nuh-uh, sunshine, I get to be close to the peoples now! But the moon doesn’t have the cojones to keep it up, so it gets its asterisk out of the way pretty quick, because the sun is not only bigger, but farts fire and will literally fart in the moon’s general direction. That’s why everyone is getting excited. I mean, how often do you get to see the moon and sun throw a temper tantrum? Plus, there’s the chance the sun actually WILL fart, and dood…farts are always funny. There’s even a song, Total Eclipse of the Fart, and a bunch of people will be singing it tomorrow.

Just don’t stare when it’s happening. It’s rude, and the sun can do some major damage to your eyeballs.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Max, you certainly are a smart cat! Except that Bacall is a girl kitty, just so you know.

  2. Max….Bacall is a girl and she says she has no idea what the other 4 things are but the drugs were good. Love, the mom

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