Ask Max Monday: Treat Yo’self

Ask Max Monday

Dear Max.
That festive occasion on the 25th (not Christmas, as we do not celebrate that) has come and gone, and I am a year older. I really ought to have made a new year resolution this year but can’t think of any to make besides the usual: eat more, chase mice, chase more mice, and sleep lots. What would you suggest as something worth doing, and what would you suggest I could resolute for my staff?
What are your resolutions this year???
Purrs
Erin

I only really have one: keep breathing.

I figure if I do that, everything else is just gravy.

Oh! More gravy would be nice, too, but that’s more like a goal instead of a resolution. I can’t even remember the last time I had gravy. I’m pretty sure there wasn’t any during the holidays since the Woman doesn’t really cook. I am owed some gravy!

Huh.

I need to work on that. Surely there’s a way to convince a person here to let me have some.

= = =

Excellent answers, Mr. Max. Have your people tried using bottled water for fish tanks? You said they tried everything to keep the PH balanced, so i’m guessing the answer is yes.

Thanks for clarifying where the old years go, i thought they went to the hozone layer where lost socks from the dryer end up.

Well, no, I don’t think they tried bottled water. It was a 100 gallon tank. That’s a lot of bottled water. But, even so, the tank is long gone now, and the Man put up shelves where the tank was, filled with his Star Trek collectibles and other odds and ends.

And man, my people have a lot of little toys that no one will ever get to play with. Toys and dust. But no more fish. Unless tuna counts and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

= = =

MAX!!!! sUMBUddy stealed owr sparkley tree with all the lites! And the peeple don’t even sEEM to care, even tho the roOM is now kINDa darK AND Sad. Shud I contakt AMerICA’S MOST wUNted to see if they’ll take the case?? The same thing happend last yeer and this has GOT To stoP!!!

Dood, it happens *every* year and I don’t think there’s a way to stop it. If there was, I totally would have prevented the dismantling and storage of the tree that keeps my little mancat cave hidden from Buddah during the holidays. I freaking love that spot when the tree is there. But sadly, the people took it down again, even though they know I wanted to keep it.

One time, I heard this old person on TV say that everyone should keep Christmas in their heart all year long. Well, yeah, but they also need to keep it in the house so that we can keep our trees! Everything looks so much nicer with a brightly lit and decorated tree, and even the people miss it already.

PEOPLE: KEEP THE TREES.

We’re all better for it.

= = =

Mr. Max,

Why do people start diets every time the year rolls over? I am suffering for it.

Thank you,

Lyric the Shouty Cat

It falls into the notion of “new year, new you,” I think. But people fail to account for the truth that time is a social construct and years are just a way of measuring revolutions around the sun; another loop around isn’t going to magically change anything. Or maybe they just use it as a springboard, like a tick off the calendar that says *today I will try to make a change* but if they’re smart, they don’t actually tick anything on the calendar. Otherwise, come March when they stop doing all the things they said they would they’ll just have proof that they tripped up.

Not that there’s anything wrong with tripping up, but people have the tendency to not get back up. And then they get sores on their asterisks, and they grumble a lot, and…

Does any of this make sense?

No.

Neither does dieting. One day they’ll stop looking at magazines with pretty people who make them think badly about themselves, and come to accept that life is not denial, food is necessary, and it feels better if you’ve moved around a bit. And that the first three letters of ‘diet’ are DIE.

Life is short, people. Don’t let biology make you feel bad about yourself. Eat good food. Play. Every now and then, enjoy a treat. And make sure the kitties get treats, too, otherwise they go online and complain about you.

= = =

Got a question? Drop me a line at askmaxmonday@gmail.com or leave it in the comments here.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

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