Ask Max Monday: Vote NO on Balloons

Ask Max Monday

hay max i herd you no evrything, so i haff an impurrtunt thing to ask. i just came to liv at a noo place. it’s nice. my brudder livs heer. i lived in a kupple udder places beefore this one cuz nobuddy wunts to giv blak cats furever homes. my brudder sez they’ll keep me, but i dunno. i thot that beefore and i just got traded in and mooved to noo places. theeze peepuls just bot me a neeto nekliss with a skull and krossbones that gloze in the dark and it haz a medal wiff my name on it. my brudder sez that meens i’ll never git traded away. wut do yoo think? is this gunna be my furever home?

Dood. THEY BOUGHT YOU A NECKLACE! That’s what people do when they mean it’s forever: they buy expensive gifts. Now, if you were a people they’d have gotten you a ring, because that’s what they give each other when they’re making promises to be together forever or until they’re both is diapers and no one wants to change the others’, but since you’ve probably got the while litterbox thing down to a science, you’re golden!

You’ve also got your brother on your side. If they even think about sending you back, he’s gonna not only poop on their pillows, but treat EVERYTHING they own to a toothy death. It really is cheaper for them to let you stay forever. It won’t hurt to be cute every now and then, but I wouldn’t worry. You got the necklace, dood. That’s as good as a wedding ring.

Dear Max. Please settle an argument here. It’s a serious one, and we need an unbiased opinion and you have smarts, so we’re asking you.

The anniversary of our dad’s passing is coming up and one of us wants to have a memorial where we let balloons with messages attached to them. Another one of us doesn’t think they’ll get where wanted, so what’s the point? What would you do?

Well…it’s not that I don’t think the balloons would get where you want, but I think it’s not a good idea. Balloons eventually lose the gas that makes them float, and they come down. When they come down, animals can find them, and wind up eating pieces, and that gets stuck in their insides, and can kill them. I don’t think it’s fair to subject wildlife to that, not even for a life celebration.

There are a lot of ways to have the same kind of passing of messages without the risk to wildlife. Some people use dandelion thingies to make a wish on, and then they blow, sending the wish into the air. Some people use bubble wands…dip the wand in the bubble, whisper your message to it, and blow. When it pops, the wish or the message soars, and it gets where you want it.

I understand why the person in your family wants to let the balloons go, but if it were my people, I’d be begging them to not do it.

Max…what is the super moon? Why are people so excited about it?

Well, it’s like a full moon, but bigger. People get excited because they’re perverts and think it’s funny when the drunk uncle drops his pants in front of everyone and gives ‘em the full moon. Apparently tonight someone is going to drop their pants in front of the world, and for some reason, they think it’s super.

I think it’s fat shaming and should stop, but they’re just not gonna listen to me.

MAX! It’s been a bad week. Tell us a joke to make us laugh?


What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies!



*no actual rabbits were harmed in the telling of this joke.

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max thompson has a new book The Wick Chronicles. Buy it.

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. Valentine says:

    Maybe they can celebrate with catnip bubbles at the Life Celebration/memorial. I have some catnip bubbles and they smell g-r-e-a-t! Thanks for great advice to your readers, Max!

  2. the bunny joke made mom snort – good job Max

    how many more sleeps until Santa?? we are asking for a friend 🙂

  3. Toffee Ripple Fuzzypants says:

    I liked the bubbles suggestion.

  4. Miss juliea says:

    Max, you are furry smart! Balloons are not good to release into the wild blue yonder. They aren’t even good to just throw away because they still end up in our landfills and animals get tangled up in them and thar strings. Nope, not a good idear at all. Thank you fer helping to keep our grate planet safe!

  5. Pixel says:

    Max on the ballon idea, what about the Chinese lanterns you light and send into the night. I think those are more eco friendly


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