Ask Max Monday: I Do What I Want. Srsly.

Ask Max Monday

Dear Max. I love all those cat images that you collected. Do you think I should start collecting cats too? I mean I do the usual collections, Mice, Stamps (on spiders and bugs) and Antique cow creamers, but think maybe I should be branching out… but not squirrels. I did try collecting sparrows once, but the noise and feathers and droppings drove Mrs H mad.

Yours Erin

The cat images were collected by Mousebreath’s esteemed editor and Important Person In Charge, Karen Nichols. I’m just a columnist…and don’t wanna take credit for someone else’s hard work (which may have just been late night Web Surfing while avoiding HGTV reruns, who knows? But they were pretty cool pictures.)

Either way, of course you should collect cats! Cats are awesome. And I bet there are a few shelters in your area where you could get the start of your new collection. This will necessitate additional collections of kitty litter and food, but all hobbies come with a price and this would be totally worth it.

Max dood, I am way sensitive to and it hurts mine feelings when the mom tells at me for stuff, or calls me a crybaby. I bit her leg and she hollered. I punched a hole in her arm with my mighty claws of doom and she cut them. I think that she owes me a huge ham, right?

Oh, dood, she owes you ham, bacon, and the little white chunks that float in pork-n-beans. It’s not your fault she’s so delicate that she can’t take a little surprise pain. What does she expect? A warning? That’s not how it works!

If she doesn’t want to get bit, she needs to start training in TaeCatDo. The Way of the Hand and Cat. She might not be able to stop you but she’ll learn to brace herself and it won’t hurt as much.

In fact, I might start a school. She can be my first student.

hey max, how do you work a pity play to get some steak from your peeps? I tried doing sad puppy eyes, but they were unmoved. which makes me think that maybe they shouldn’t be allowed to be cat owners if they aren’t willing to toss me a few bites of steak once a day. ONCE A DAY! That’s all I ask!

Dood. Stop with the sad puppy eyes…that’s the problem! People see that and get 43 kinds of confused because they don’t expect dog things from a cat. You need to try sad kitten eyes, which will not only get you steak, it’ll get you head and chin skritches, too.

Wait. That sounded kinda dirty.

They’ll tickle your face. That’s good enough.

Hi Max,

I know trips to the stabby person aren’t fun, so I found a stabby person who comes to us! I still had to put my kitty in her crate so she didnt run and hide.

Unfortunately this backfired and my poor baby still peed herself in the crate. I feel terrible. Kitty always has access to the crate, and we use the crate for other things too like going to the fun kitty resort that she loves!

Any suggestions to make the crate less scary when it involves the stabby person?

Thanks, a worried cat mum!

Stabby people are scary. There’s no way around that. If you have to use the crate, it might help to stick a warm, clean towel inside; the warmth with be comforting and if she pees, it’s easy to clean up.

I have a super nice crate (more of a backpack, rolling, mesh kinda thingy) but even I pee in it when there are stabby people involved. A nice towel that won’t matter if it gets wet is the Woman’s solution…’cause things are going to explode from me, guaranteed.

Dear Max, 

My human mom is pretty great about what I like to eat.  But she gets really upset about those real long bugs with lots of legs and doesn’t want me to eat them.  I really like them!  Mom says that she does not know where they get in or if they have any chemicals on them. I have CRF and she loves me alot! What can I do? Bugs aren’t high protein but I don’t eat very many of them either! You are the smartest kitty ever and you know what other kitties like.  

Thanks, Jameson

House centipedes (which I think is what you’re talking about) has super weak venom so there’s not likely to be any issues if you eat one. I mean, I don’t get WHY you like them, but it’s probably not gonna do more than tickle as you swallow. Just make sure its barefoot before you chow down. If it’s wearing shoes, that’s like 100 sneakers it can use for traction to work its way back out, and that might be a bit on the unpleasant side.

Personally, all I ever do to bugs is pull the wings and legs off. And for some reason THAT upsets people. I don’t kill them, but geez, you’d think I had.

The takeaway: do what you want. Someone’s gonna be upset, anyway.

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Manny and CB have found a centipede or two, plus various ants and flying things…but we humans only find corpses once they’ve ‘played’ with said bugs until dead! You are very wise, Max!

  2. Our mom always puts a nice fluggy towel in our crates, and then sprinkes it with catnip a few days before trips to the Vet. Hopefully that’ll solve the problem for next time!

    A few treats wouldn’t hurt, either. Maggie and Felix

  3. Max…how do we explain to the foster momma cat that all her yelling about “I need a boyfriend” isn’t going to accomplish anything here. Of course, there’s Junior, but he is nootered so that doesn’t count. Plus he is probably afraid of her. Can we leave her a sign on her door or something? Cause she is LOUD

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