Ask Max Monday: Welcome to the World, Cyrus!

Ask Max Monday

Max, The Hubby and I will leave our happy home to drive to grandma’s house, to visit with relatives! Can you think of something LESS FUN than that? Luckily, the office is also closed on the Friday after T-giving, so I get to spend it with all of our kitties! Yay!

Well, I’m pretty sure getting nootered without anesthesia would suck a little more, but I suppose it depends on the relatives. Mine are considerate and come to see me instead of the other way around…probably because they know I’ll poop on something because I don’t like leaving the house.

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Hi Max! Are the first 24 days of December long enough to make up for getting on Santa’s naughty list on each of the previous 11 months? I need an answer asap!

That’s totally enough time. I mean, you get bonus Good Kitty points just for being a cat anyway, and as long as you don’t knock the tree over or drag the family’s roast beef dinner off the counter, or set fire to anything, he’ll still treat you like you were always on the Good Kitty list.

Santa’s a pretty chill dood. He ignores most of what we do because when he looks at the bigger picture, it’s all pretty funny chit.

Look at the proof. We’re HUGE on the Internet!

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I did the math, Max, and you’re 18.5 now. How’s that feel?

Love you,

Weezer

Well, most days it feels kind of achy and I can hear my hind quarters creak and crack. And it feels tiring, so I sleep a lot more than I used to. But I’m also still happy to be here and I use my age to my advantage. You know what? When you get this old, the people give you just about anything you want, to the point they cater to your whims and try to guess what will make you feel better.

Like, the last couple of weeks the Woman has been on a quest to find a fireplace bed that I’ll use—I wasn’t getting comfortable on the old bed and she noticed, so she’s bought, like, four different beds hoping I would take to one of them. I stood on the one and didn’t like it, I sniffed at one and realized it was too small, I wouldn’t even look at one, and the last one I jumped on to check it out but wouldn’t stay on. And then…THEN…I plopped down on my old bed and enjoyed it just fine!

NO ONE CAN GET MAD BECAUSE I’M OLD!

Dood, I know I’m in my twilight, but I am going to enjoy every freaking minute of it.

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Max! I’m Cyrus! I’m 3 months old! It’s all white outside! The windows is cold! I want to look outside but it’s too cold! What do I do? How does I make the white go away! I can’t see the squirrels! I asked Other Kitty but he just walked away! Do you know?

Cyrus, dood, welcome to the world! You’re excited, I can tell!

Now, there’s good news and there’s bad news. I’m going to give you the bad news first, so that you have the good news to look forward to, okay?

The bad news is that you can’t make all the white stuff go away. Right now, the best you can hope for is that a person goes outside and shovels it off the driveway and sidewalks, and then that the local sticky people come outside to play in it, and you can watch them. Oh, and they’re fun to watch. They giggle and squeal and scoop up handfuls of it to throw at each other, and it’s great fun. The best part is that you get to stay inside where it’s warm, but still enjoy the snow!

Oh, and that’s what it’s called. Snow.

Now, the good news is that it will go away on its own. In some places, it goes away pretty quick, in a day or two, but in other places it sticks around until spring. That’s a long time away, and you’ll almost be a mancat by then. The snow will seem normal, and when it’s gone, you’ll probably miss it. But then! Excitement! The squirrels and birds will come back, and you’ll have all new things to entertain you!

Be careful sitting by the window. You’ll feel chilled if you sit by it too long. Find a lap to curl up on, and steal warms from your people. If you purr nicely, they’ll even pet you and give you head and chin skritches, and those are amazing.

You have so much to look forward to, little dood! I am super excited for you!

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Got a question? Drop me a line at askmaxmonday@gmail.com or leave it in the comments here.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. Puddzee Pye says:

    Dood
    Lil Bub is gone, mum is sad. She said they always come in threes. First Grumpy cat, then Mr. Sainsbury from UK and now Lil Bub. Dood, you better do your best to stay around and keep your snarkiness in the world. We love your snarky intelligence and handsome tuxedo self.

    Your toothy fan,

    Puddzee Pye

  2. messymimi says:

    Your answers are always spot on.

    Do you have any tips for how to train dogs not to be so annoying to cats?

  3. Erin The Cat says:

    Dude, what we all want to know in this palace, is what will be on your TV schedule this coming Christmas? And what will you be doing to keep entertained between times, games and the like?
    Purrs
    ERin

  4. Santa ALWAYS puts cats on his NICE list! He knows how to CAT…

  5. Blinker says:

    Max- my bro, Mr Fluffenpuss, told me that Jewish cats get 8 prezints at krissmas. So how do I go about converting?

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