Ask Max Monday: Which Witch White Witch? West Witch!

Ask Max Monday

Max, you like to lik da graby sawce off da foods? We do. But the hooman gets all bent outta shape when we don’t eat da chunks and we just aks fur mor grabies. She run da chunks under da tap, finking she coud foool us. No way! She even aksted da stabby guy to chek owr teefs, wich are OK. Do dey make kans of all grabies wit no chunks (or masht potaters)? Luv, Spider and Gracie

Oh, I love the gravies. I always slurp that part up first, but I learned a long time ago that if that’s all I ate I would get very hungry a lot sooner than I would if I just followed it up with the chunks of food, too. There are gravy lovers canned food (look for it near the Fancy Feast), but the Woman won’t get those for me so I can’t say for sure if they’re any good but I bet they are. In fact, I’m sure it’s AMAZING because if it was just =meh= she would buy it, because she’s mean that way.

Are you sure that is not “hit the gym and lather up”? Just sayin, nothin gainst no alternative styles cause we have Rumpy after all.

Well, that certainly makes more sense that lawyering up, but the people on reddit say “lawyer.” We’re talking about people here, so of course it doesn’t make sense.

Dear Max,
This is Daiquiri. Don’t worry, I’m not mad you told my siblings I might be a woofie hybrid. But they say you are pretty smart. So what the fur are those tiny meowing thing hopping around the bathroom? Mom says they are fosters just like I used to be. I’m not being replaced am I?

Thank, Daiquiri from Random Felines

Nah, you’re not going to be replaced, but you might have a kitten-kyootness-induced headache for a while (yep, sorry, those are baby cats. And babies are a lot of work. And loud. Very loud. And telling them to be quiet does no good because they can’t speak cat yet and they’re all LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME I’M ADORABLE! Blech.) And don’t be surprised if you wind up with another sibling kitty. People are suckers for the new little furballs and sometimes keep one when they’re fostering.

In fact, that’s exactly why the Woman is not allowed to foster. She would keep them ALL, and we can’t have that. I barely survived getting Buddah.

Hay Max yesterday I saw sumthing amayzing owtside – the WETS were all over, and then then sky ixploded like the rore of a millyun mitey lions and lite exsparkled all over and then these wite chunks shode up on owr dek. The fat lard cat sez it happends win little wite cats are bad. They git chopped in a gazillion peeces and git throde in the air and they land on the grownd ware they melt like the wikkid witch did. Fat Lard sez it is becuz little wite cats are akshully witches in dizgize. And he wuz rite cuz a minit later they wuz gon!

So cood yoo rekummend a good byootey parler for me to go to? I think it’s time for me to become a broonet. And maybe yoo shood use a good Sharpie to cuvver up yer wite places.

I knew this day would come. The day when the frigid witches of the west would rise up to come after us and try to take over the world. (These are also sometimes known as mothers-in-law and ex-wives. I do not know why.) The problem is that they tried to do it on a day not quite cold enough, so after rose up, they got all slushy and then they plummeted to the ground where the warms destroyed them.

So I don’t think you need to worry. That fat cat was just yanking your chain. The frozen witches don’t come because white cats are bad, nor are white cats their familiars. They’re just frozen balls of western ouch, foisted upon the ground because those witches were people, and people…not so bright.

I mean, if they were, they would have come on a super cold day, right?

But, just in case, you might want to get some SPLAT dye and cover your furs with it. No beauty salon needed. In fact, come over this week, probably on Thursday…the Woman s dying her hair neon green and all you would have to do is roll around on her head to get your bright whites covered.

Dood, you would totally look awesome all green. St. Patrick’s Day is coming and you would be like the Queen of the Day with your green furs!

Max, when is spring coming? I’m tired of winter and all the white crap outside.

Well, I looked out the window this afternoon and it seems a whole lot like spring here. Maybe you need to move to California. It’s freaking BEAUTIFUL here.

Otherwise, I think you have like 2,560,165 sleeps.

Moving seems easier.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured, Last Week, zzz Previous 3 cat articles

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Finnegan the Kitten says:

    Dear Wise Guru Uncle Max,

    This has been the best winter ever!! (Technically, it’s my first winter since I’m not yet a year old..) Anyhow, I got a tree in my living room and saw white stuff fall from the sky and, most importantly of all, Miss Lily decided to be my girlfriend after I gave her some prime nip and attempted to steal a shrimp off the dining room table even though I knew that she wouldn’t want to eat it on account of her limited diet. It’s the thought that counts, right?

    A new, wonderful thing has happened in our basement, Uncle Max. Mice have moved in. Miss Lily already caught one and presented it ceremoniously to the humans who dumped it in the trash but, to their credit, praised Miss Lily to the skies. How do I kill my own mouse, Uncle Max? Equally importantly, how do I present my first mouse to my girlfriend Miss Lily in the most romantic way possible?

    Many purrs,


  2. Dear Max – we are BORED. BORED BORED BORED. It’s been a squillion days of COLD and SNOW. There is nothing more to do. Both Billy and I tried to go to the OUT, but we only got onto the porch before we decided it was too cold to run. And for some reason our mom said “go ahead and go out there, I’m sure you won’t like it”. How in the heck was she right? She’s never right. Anyway, we have trashed the house, ate all the food we were not supposed to eat and trashed the house again (when will mom realize we are just going to trash it so she might as well leave everything on the floor). We also have tried hiding in the forbidden room but she catches us and takes us out. What else is there to do? Apparently me chasing Sammy around the house and biting his butt or face is a “no no bad Nicky STOP THAT YOU LITTLE TURD” thing.

  3. Buckaroo says:

    Max, why are our mom and dad hyoomans? Don’t we deserve sumthing better? And smarter?

  4. Maxwell Smart says:

    Dear Max,

    Here in the midwest the snow is melting, the sun is shining, but we got a big problem. Hooligan squirrels are raiding our bird feeders! My sister Wren, she’s a Bobcat rank in the cat scouts, she got out on the balcony last summer and jumped down 2 stories to chase those hooligan squirrels back to their tree. Wren has zero tolerance for the squirrels. She goes on patrol and follows them from window to window and sleeps right next to the door when she hears them outside on the deck!

    Max – what I can do to help protect our household from these pesky intruders? I’m supposed to be a mancat?! I can’t just stand by while the hooligan steal all the birdseed?!

    Yours truly,
    Maxwell Smart


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