Ask Max Monday: Yeah…Where’s Our Bling?

Ask Max Monday

Max, we want to know when the right time is to tell the food lady she’s adopted. Spider, my sister from another litter, says she originally adopted the food lady many naps ago when she was “between houses.” Now she owns the food lady’s house, especially the sofa. (She reminds me of that often.) Anyway, pretty soon, the food lady is going to realize she’s not our kid (or a cat for that matter). She’s a terrible huntress. We have to catch the mousies and bring them to her. And if we didn’t wake her up for breffus, no one would get to eat around here. Also, she’s very bad at napping while the sun is out. And she’s a little dim. She keeps asking us “Who’s a pretty kitty?” Well, duh! That’s pretty obvious. We don’t think she’d make it in the wild, so we can’t release her to the outdoors (unless it’s to the stinky goodness factory). We did you tell your food lady she was adopted? Also, we love your “Dear Tabby” column Love, Gracie

Sshhh…I’ve never told her. I just let her think it was all the other way around, so that she feels good about herself. When she feels good about herself she’s happier, and then she makes sure she buys the quality gooshy foods for us.

There’s no harm in never telling your people you adopted them. They’re pretty hopeless on their own, and thinking they rescued us brings joy to them, so let’s just let them have that. Otherwise, they might just stop spending the green papers and bringing home the good stuff for us.

Dear Max,
When did you have your first taste of real live fresh dead cow? Do you get it often? Have you ever tried Friskies Beachside Party Mix treats? My kitties really love them! Thanks for being so awesome! And thank you for helping me to save my evaporating kitty with your suggestions and the help of the other cats on Mousebreath.
Beth

Wow…it’s been so long I’m not really sure when I had my first real live fresh dead cow, but it probably wasn’t too long after I came to live with the People. They seemed to really like finding different things that I liked…I kind of disappointed them when I hated yogurt because Dusty, the Cat Who Came Before Me loved it, but I made up for that with my love of real live fresh dead things.

And no, I haven’t tried those treats. I can only have one particular brand of treats…I throw up whenever I eat anything different. Buddah might like them if he ever got to try them, but since we’re all about fairness here (except for the treats the Man keeps in his desk that we all know Buddah loves but I don’t and can’t have anyway) the Woman will only buy the ones I can have.

Max, Max, hey Max. I asked a question a long long time ago and you never answered it and that made me have 6 kinds of sads. How come? Did I ask it wrong?

Aw, man, dood, I am so sorry that I didn’t answer your question. I have only intentionally not answered just one question since I started doing this, and that was because it was a rude, mean thing that was just a poke at someone else cloaked in a question…and it wasn’t you.

If I don’t answer a question, it’s only because I didn’t see it. If someone asks something in the replies of an older column, the chance that I will see it is kind of small unless the editor cracks a whip at me (and dood, her whip stings. Really. She’s kinda mean…heh.) If you email a question that I fail to answer, it might have gotten shuffled into my spam folder and I didn’t see it.

The two best ways to ask questions: 1) leave it in the reply section of the most current Ask Max column. I’ll see it right up to about 10pm Pacific time on Sunday night. Or 2) email it to askmaxmonday@gmail.com. This is where I look for questions—if you mail my personal email (psychokitty) it might be a long, long time before I see it, because so much crap accumulates there that finding the real emails is difficult. I check askmaxmonday every Sunday night to see if there are any last minute questions, so it’s a good place to ask things.

Again, dood, I am really, truly sorry.

Max! I was trying to pick on the sticky person and I stuck my nose up his and man that smelled wrong. So I kept checking because it was really wrong. The lady person got annoyed at me but when I kept doing it she thought maybe there was a reason and tool the sticky guy to the stabby guy, and he had an infection! And now she says I kept it from getting worse! I’m a Bastdangit HERO, Max! So where’s my medal?

Dood, that’s awesome! ^5! But don’t hold your breath…I’ve saved the Woman’s life like TWICE and I still haven’t gotten a medal. But she goes out and walks 3 miles, and guess what she gets? A medal. I don’t get it…and neither are you. Sorry about that. But kudos on finding the cooties up the kid’s nose!

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured, Last Week, zzz Previous 3 cat articles

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. eilu says:

    Hey Max, sorry to read that treats make you barf. I don’t know what treat you have, but have you tried PureBites? It is 100% real live fresh dead chicken or fish, they just freeze dry it so the Woman won’t have to cook whenever you want real live fresh dead chicken. I bet you can have that. We love it very much.

    • I’ve tried a lot of treats, but the only crunchy type–and I love crunchy treats–that I can have are Temptations. I’ve never tried a freeze dried real live fresh dead treat, though…that might be worth asking the Woman to go look for. Oddly, I do not like freeze dried shrimp thingies, and I *LOVE* real live fresh dead shrimp.

  2. Max…

    we has a physics question for you.

    How is it that foster kittens are very big, but they sound like the thundering horde when they run down a hallway??

    thanks – the random felines

  3. The Meezers says:

    Max, is there any way to get the mom to STOP squeeeeeing at pictures of baby kittens? The mom keeps doing this more and more and we are afraid that one or 934 of those little monsters will work it’s way into our house. There are already too flipping many of us here, and while we don’t ever want to deny a kitty a good home, sooner or later there will be litterboxes in every room in our house and all of the mom’s green papers will just go for kitty food and she will stop eating and then she will die and OH MY BAST what will happen to the 479 kitties she could not say no to? How do you turn off the squeeeee machine?

  4. C. Pickworth says:

    Hey Max! My name is Paxton. You are so wise. I have a question for you. I live with two really nice humans and a wise old cat. We all sleep on a bed comfy bed at night. Sometimes I wake up and crawl up to snuggle on the pillow next to the female humans head. I like her hair. It is so soft and warm. It smells really good! Sometimes I like to taste it. That always wakes her up. She says no way Jose – people hair is bad for cat tummies then shoos me down to the end of the bed. I need to know – is it really bad for kitty tummies and who in the heck is Jose?!

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