Ask Max Monday: Yes I Know It’s Tuesday…

Ask Max Monday Max – apparently ceramic catmas treest DO NOT BOUNCE. I thought that because there was carpet it would. BTW – I gotted a gotcha day tree – it’s cat sized and PURPLE TINSEL. It does not taste good. Mine brofur is hafing an oper-way-shun on his tummy. How long should I wait until I chase his through the house? Dood, you need to wait all the days your brother asks you to wait before you chase him again. He’s gonna be tired and sore and a little bit whiny because everything hurts—like, from the tips of his ear to his tail, not just his tummy—and everyone has to be extra nice to him. I know that’s super hard because brothers are made for chasing and jumping on and annoying (according to Buddah) but if it helps keep you from getting too twitchy about it, remember that Santa is watching and you don’t want to upset him this close to Christmas. Also, if you jump on him and your mom sees, she is going to be 62 kinds of upset and she might wag her pointy finger at you, and no one likes getting the pointy finger. Paws are crossed for Sammy…I hope the surgery goes really well. Dear Max,  Your human said I could ask two questions so that’s what I’m doing.  My name is Aurelia and I am a foster cat. When the people who run the foster found me outside, they decided I needed a name that was beautiful. (I agree.) They named me after the pretty lady from the movie Love, Actually. But Foster Mama thought that was too fancy a name for a cat and gave me the nickname Relly. Fine. That’s unique and so am I. But the other day. . . Max, the other day she called me “Shnookins.” What the heck is a Shnookins? That doesn’t sound anything like Aurelia. How can I get the foster mama to show me the name respect I deserve?  Also, the human has really ramped up the ssomething called showtunes. Showtunes are like people in a play or a movie talking, only they’re singing about what’s going on. The music is bad enough, but Max, the SINGING is just terrible. Why would she want to sing the song instead of just listening to the real singers sing? Sometimes she stops and says, “Ooh, that was really bad.” But, man, it’s ALL really bad. How do I tell her no more showtunes and let’s watch TV? Merry Christmas,  Aurelia “Not Shnookins” Dood…people are freaking weird about names. I have a perfectly good name, a nice, strong name, but what do I get called most of the time? It’s Bubby or Big Guy or Furball or—and this is the worst—PUPPY. Seriously. She calls me PUPPY a lot of the time. But it could be worse; she calls Buddah Pumpkin or Puddin’ and once in a while he’s WhatTheFrakIsWrongWithYou. I don’t know what a Shnookins is, but you’re probably stuck with it until a new odd name pops into her head. And I totally hear you about people singing. The Woman tries it every now and then and I’ve learned the only way to stop it is to run and her full speed, jump on her lap, and cover her mouth with my paws. Sometimes, I actually have to stick my paw IN her mouth. Do you know how gross that is? It’s really gross. People tongues are all soft and squishy and just feel unnatural. I mean, I totally get now why they don’t use them for bathing. What good is a soft, squishy tongue? You can’t bathe with it and you can’t drink with it. I’m not even sure why they have tongues at all, theirs are so useless. You might need to run through the litter box before slamming your paws into her face to get her to stop singing, but you’ll only need to do it a couple of times…every 3-4 months. People tend to forget. And find Doctor Who on your TV. She’ll stop singing to watch that. MAX YOU’RE LATE AGAIN! I know, I know. If you’d asked me yesterday, I would have said OF COURSE I got the column online in time. I don’t know what happened. I think it was just a brain fart. I’d like to say it’ll never happen again, but yeah. It probably will. MAX DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS NEXT MONDAY?!?! Dood, I totally do. Next Monday is the Doctor Who Christmas episode!!!

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. I like to pick UP a kitty, and then sing with kitty in my arms! Am I causing permanent brain damage to my kitty? NO, I say!

  2. Hnossa says:

    Fortunately,my human’s singing is pretty good, she says she has “purrfect pitch.” But she tries to sing in the language of our people, Max. “Litter box birds play give me crunchy treats pet”; what in the name of Bast is that supposed to mean?

    How can I tell her that I like the singing, but she needs to stick to her language,’cause she can’t speak Cat?


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