Ask Max Monday: You.Don’t.Know.

Ask Max Monday

Hey Max
Who are the dogs &why are they in YOUR HOUSE !
Dewey

Those dogs are That Damned Dog Butters and his sister, Lady. And THANK BAST they were not at my house. They stayed in their own house and the Woman went there to watch them. She just came home last night and she still smells like dog. She even showered, but…DOG.

Now, I get WHY she went—the Younger Human and his Much Better Half went on a cruise with some of their friends and the dogs couldn’t go with, but that still meant I did not get the lap that I wanted at the times I wanted it, and I had 3,987 demands that went unmet during that 10 days.

Oh, sure, she came home for 3 of them and the Man went to be with the dogs, but still. That was TEN DAYS that I was inconvenienced.

= = =

If you could ask people a question, what would it be?

I would ask them why the heck they always answer our requests and simple conversation with, “I know, I know.” Clearly, they DON’T know. If they did, they would respond to the request/demand/question instead of this blatant misdirection.

= = =

Max, did you see the article below yours this week? It says dog owners are more happier than cat people. They say they spend more time with them, consider them more part of the family, and pet and play with them more. Have you ever anything like that in your life?

Huh. I’m not sure that’s the kind of happiness that can be quantified. I mean, sure, they spend more time with dogs, because dogs are all in their faces and wanting to go outside for WALKIES and they just don’t give people a choice about interaction. When we had Hank the Dog, he was like pure happiness wrapped in golden fur, but we spent roughly the same time with the people, and we got equal petting time.

I think dog people are equal happy to cat people, but it looks different from the outside.

And besides, cats rule the Internet. That’s basically proof that overall, they like us more.

= = =

Dear Max, I am a very very meticulous kitty and smell really good to people who hold me. I had a worry a couple nights ago.  I am not able to get under my chin or all of my back.  I like being really clean but what can a fella kitty do when his tongue isn’t long enough?  I sure do not want to have a yellow color on my white furs!  Can you help me? Thanks so much! There are no other kitties here to help me! 

Jameson G.

Dood, when a guy can’t reach his own back, it’s time to start the practice of Kitty Yoga to gain a little extra flexibility. It’s really not the length of your tongue; it’s how bendy you are. There are a billion websites online dedicated to Kitty Yoga*, so you need to get your person to sit down and start reading them all, and then demonstrate all the positions for you.

Take video.

Now, chins are different. No kitty can wash his own chin, not really. So for that you either have to let a person wipe if off for you if it gets gunky, or change the dish you eat from to keep feline acne at bay. I get a really dirty chin if I use a deep dish, even if it’s stainless steel, so I have a super shallow ceramic one.

But try the yoga. It’ll get you all bendy in no time at all.

 

*I totally made that up, but hey, you never know…

= = =

Max,

Mom is reading Wick Chronicles and really enjoying it!   She saw that there is going to be a web site!   She wants to see a Map of How the old US is divided up into new countries!   Do you think that will ever happen?

Angel

Yes! It totally will and we even have the map!

It was supposed to go into the first book, but things happened that I don’t understand, mostly because I fell asleep when it was being discussed, but I think it was a money thing. But yeah, it’ll be on the website!

We’re working on some short stories right now while we wait for the next book (The King of Saint Francis) to go into distribution (a week, maybe two!) and then the website will start to take shape. It might be a blob, but it’ll be some kinda shape.

 

Got a question for me?

You can leave it in the comments below,

or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com

Please follow and like us:

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Seriously, Max, you are the wisest kitty EVER! Cats are the most bendy creatures around, so if a cat cannot reach certain parts, then I’m thinking that kitty is too large…time to take up running up and down the hallway.

  2. messymimi says:

    The reason people say “I know, I know” is because we do know, we just don’t want to do. Now you know, and thus we people need better training, don’t we.

  3. TRIPPER says:

    MAX HOW DO I GROW A COMBOVER LIKE THAT ORINGE-FACED HYOOMAN HAS? I HAVE A SKIN KUNDISHUN WARE THEY SHAVED MY BAK INTO A REV-MO, AND THEY SHAVED ALL THE FURZ OFF MY TUMMEH, TOO. MY TUMMEH IS STILL BALD AND THE FURZ ON MY BAK ARE COMING IN PATCHY. IT DUZN’T GIT MUCH MORE IMBERRISSING THAN THE WAY I LOOK RITE NOW.

    OR MAYBE YER MOM CUD DONATE SOME OF HER HED FURZ TO ME THE NEXT TIME SHE WACKS IT OFF?

  4. ERin says:

    Ooh some great advice there, Max, and I shall upgrade not only my bowls, but my yoga teacher, too. Really looking forwards to your new books. I have the first one but it is queued up on the kindle and Mrs H is hogging that with War and Peace, the extended cut. MOL
    Purrs
    ERin

Leave a Reply

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers