Ask Max Monday: You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me…

Ask Max Monday

Max, you have such a catspractical solution to these daily human kitten issues. I really liked the one about kitten sitting, tell me, does this work on unruly kitchen staff too?
Toodle pips and purrs

Kitchen staff are a bit different from kittens. I recommend sitting on them, but the only thing it teaches them is that you like sitting on them and getting head and chin skritches. That’s not a bad thing; it gets you some attentions and makes them feel good at the same time. But they don’t give you that satisfying get-off-me squeal that a kitten would.

I overherd the people talking about having a cat sitter take care of me. Duz that mean I’m gonna get sat on? I thot they liked me.

Nah, dood, it’s just one of those nonsensical people-speak things. A cat sitter is someone new who comes into the house for you to sit on. They also scoop your litter box and make sure you have food. Really, what you’re getting, is a temporary human, better referred to as a minion. But it’s people we’re talking about, so of course they get it all wrong.

Hay Max! My big sister sez I shoodn’t eat the foods that’s put in frunt of me rite away. I shood make the missus open up at leest 4 cans, then eat the first one that she gave me. She sez this shows the peeple hooz boss. Do yoo rekumend this procedure?

Well, I recommend a similar procedure, but not that exactly. The key to showing a person who’s boss is to make them work. At one meal, eat the first can. At another meal, make her open 2-3 cans. Another, eat one bite, sit back and cry, and get her to open a 2nd can. Still another meal, go for 4.

She’ll see it as a power struggle, but really, you’ll know. You’re the boss.

Dear Max,
Hi I am Mango!
Right now I am having one eye running with clear tears and Mom got this same eye ointment from the Veterinarian.

I have had this trouble before! Mom is treating me with Eye Ointment! But I dont like it! Max, where can I go to hide good so Mom cannot catch me? I am very small and where in this house can I hide?I have been trying to hide in the bathroom behind the ToeLet. I thought it was a great hiding place but Mom found me! I am thinking I can sneak between Mom’s feet when she goes into her closet and I can then hide in Mom’s closet! Max, do you think this is a good hiding place?

I love the closet as a hiding place. If you can bury yourself under a pile of clothes—there’s almost always clothes on the floor—it makes it difficult for a person to get in there are grab you, and that’s if thyey even find you in there. I’ve successfully hidden for HOURS in the Man’s closet. He’ll even look in there and declare that I’m nowhere to be found, because it’s such a good spot.


This is the big but and it cannot lie.

Sooner or later, you have to come out, because you’re gonna need to pee (or worse) and you don’t want to do that in the closet, or you’ll ruin a perfectly good hiding spot. She’s going to catch you one way or the other. Might as well man up and get it over with, and then cry and make her feel bad. If she feels bad, she’ll give you crunchy treats or something dead and delicious as a snack.

Its Mango again! Max, Mom got a new 6 year old female fuzzy cat with a smooshy face! Its a cat called a Himalayan.This cat needed a home bad and we get really good food here! This cat her name is BellaJo and she took my SPOT on the Cat Tree! So Mom did put the smaller cat tree in the kitchen so I sits in there! Actually, I am shy and BellaJo has very sharp claws! I want my Living Room Cat Tree SPOT back! Tell me Max, what can I , a tiny 7.8 pound cat, do to get my SPOT in the Living Room Cat Tree back? I wants your Wise Answers!

Hm. Well, you might be able to get it back. It depends on how willing you are to 1-get mean and 2-not be shy. If you can suck it up and not be shy and be willing to risk the Claws of Doom, you could climb up there and just her furry little asterisk off. That would get your spot back, but it might upset your Mom and BellaJo might want to fight back.

Now, I have a crazy idea that just might work and make both of you happy: be super nice to her, and try to share the spot. If you curl up together, you get to share warms, which is nice, and you both get the spot. Caveat: this never worked for me, but Buddah is just outright mean about stuff like that, but other kitties might be more reasonable.

It’s still worth a try, but totally give tossing her off of it a try if she doesn’t want to share.

Hi Max, 

I have a couple of questions for you.  Mom came home with really, really short furs on her head on Saturday.  Why would she cut off almost all of her furs?  Also, I tried to sneak out of the house yesterday.  I made it as far as the porch before Mom grabbed me and put me back inside.  Why can’t I see what’s outside?  And why did Mom scold me and then kiss me?  


Flynn  >^.,.^<

Dood…the Woman did THE SAME THING, but on Monday. She and the Man went out in the afternoon, and when they came back—TWO HOURS PAST DINNER TIME—she was BALD. And let me tell you, it is NOT a good look for her. But…she and your Mom did it for a good cause. They both raised a lot of money for St. Baldrick’s, an organization that raises money for research into childhood cancers. The Woman has done it for the last 5 years, and she really hates it because her head gets 32 kinds of cold an people sometimes stare, but like she says, it’ll grow back.

You totally need to rub up against your Mom’s head. It’s hysterical. When the hair is all stubbly, it’s like brushing yourself and you leave a lot of fur behind.

And dood, you need to stay inside. I know the outside is tempting, but there are evil introoder things out there, like cars and dogs, and as my old bud Skeezix (RIP, I still miss you, dood) discovered, outside is RIPE with vishus deer. Inside is safe. Your mom just didn’t want anything bad to happen to you, like getting bit by a vishus deer (which might have turned you into a zombie deer) or squished by a car (which would have turned you into a furry little pancake.)

And the kiss? She was just relieved she caught you before you got out. Either that or she was taste testing to see if you’re ripe yet. Totally could have been that.

Got a question for me?
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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Dear Max,
    Due to a mouse shortage in these here parts, of the live but soon to be beaded kind, what can I use to keep my hunting skils high and still get the fun of the chase ?
    Toodle pips and purrs

  2. Max, magnificent answers today, as usual! Living with hoomins takes a lot of patience, since cats are so superior, and they are lucky to have an answer-cat in you! Well done!

  3. Max!! I gotted a purple special carrier bed thing. Since it is purple it is supposed to be all mine. But mine sister Daiquiri keeps sleeping in it. We both won’t fit in there and staring at her won’t make her leave. Any ideas?? Thanks, Chanel

  4. Big Ben says:

    Max, our folks builded us a catio so we can sorta kinda be outside. But the bad news is, it’s akshully a TORTURE CHAMBER! Now we can smell the birds and ALMOST catch em, and a squirrel comes up to us and goes, “nya nya nya.” We are the laughing stock of the outside world. I mean, how insanely soul sucking is it to be taunted by SQUIRLS?? Next up will probly be gofers and moles. Should I go to a shrink?


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