Author Archive: Max the Psycho Kitty

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything.

He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003

Max is the author of four blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,",
"The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats
" and the most recent: Bite Me.

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Ask Max Monday: The Burrito Is Not Your Friend
[ 5 ] August 31, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: The Burrito Is Not Your Friend

HAY MAX WHY DO THEY CALL IT MENOPAWS AND NOT WOMENOPAWS? AND THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE PAWS SO WHY IS THE PAWS PART IN THARE? Well, when women reach a certain age, they get all hot and cranky, and the men in their lives annoy the ever-loving-KRAP out of them, and if they had claws […]

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Ask Max Monday: Never Take the Blame
[ 3 ] August 24, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Never Take the Blame

Hi there Max In a few weeks I’m going to turn one year old. My fur sister, Emily, says that this will make me officially not a kitten any more, she says that it’s time for me to “grow up, and calm down”, and “stop being such a little hell bat”. This doesn’t sound like […]

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Ask Max Monday: Cooties. Cooties Everywhere.
[ 2 ] August 17, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Cooties. Cooties Everywhere.

Hi, Max, This is Spider and Gracie’s human. Our cool summer has turned hot here, and these girls are horkin’ up furballs right and left and mainly next to the bed. Despite my best efforts at auxiliary grooming, the hairball fest continues, mainly because both of the ladies hate all pet brushes with a passion. […]

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Ask Max Monday: Dang, You Guys Made Up For The Silence
[ 10 ] August 10, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Dang, You Guys Made Up For The Silence

Dear Max – I like to sits behinds da fan dats on the floor in mai room – I dunno why… Moms thinks is funny and inpurresting – she calls it my White Noise machine.. do you know why I likes to do dis?? Kthanxbai Luv, Maudy Well, fans work by pulling air through back […]

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Ask Max Monday: Yes, It’s a Cat Toy
[ 7 ] August 3, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Yes, It’s a Cat Toy

Me name Ginny or ass I prefurr Ginnycat. Im abut 17 humann yearers and a tough but cuddler womannn calico. Mur quest is why I’m scared when me human face scratcher provider take shower why I’m so scared for long time after? We are only ones live togatar. Max do u thank its the smelll […]

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Ask Max Monday: The Sound of Silence
[ 7 ] July 27, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: The Sound of Silence

  Have a question for me? You can leave it in the comments, or email me at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

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Ask Max Monday: She Screams, You Scream, It’s Family Fun
[ 1 ] July 20, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: She Screams, You Scream, It’s Family Fun

Deer Max – one of mine favorite things to do is to walkout on the teeny tiny bit if floor on the “wrong” side of the balcony. It’s fun but how can I get mommy to clap for me instead of yelling at me to “get down or you’re going to break your neck”. It’s […]

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Ask Max Monday: Come On Baby Light My Fire
[ 6 ] July 13, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Come On Baby Light My Fire

Max – we got us some weird kittens here this time. Every time mom feeds them, they growl at each other and smack the bejeezus out of each other. There is plenty of food to go around. Mom says it is cause they was living outside until she got them (they are only about 5 […]

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Ask Max Monday: Is It Hot In Here, Or Is It Just Me?
[ 7 ] July 6, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Is It Hot In Here, Or Is It Just Me?

I got a question in email this afternoon (7-6-2015) that cannot wait for next week, so please forgive this insertion into an already-published post. Max, my cat Oliver has started panting at odd times. It’s not hot in here, we have air conditioning, and it’s not after playing (except he pants then, too). Do I […]

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Ask Max Monday: To Boldly Smear Where No Smear Has Been Before
[ 7 ] June 29, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: To Boldly Smear Where No Smear Has Been Before

Hi Maxx – My the mom asked me to write to you for advice. I know what you are going to say, and I think I will totally agree with you, but SHE wants the advice. Ok, so here goes. I wander around the house alot screaming at a lot of different things – like […]

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Ask Max Monday: ♫ School’s Out For Summer… ♫
[ 9 ] June 22, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: ♫ School’s Out For Summer… ♫

This is Sammy Meezer – and YES we live in a place that does not get bird TV. We have a hyooj open backyard, and the mom has put out a bird feeder, but we maybe get one bird once in a while, and NO SKWERRLS. All we have around us are herds of sticky […]

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Ask Max Monday: The Non-Linear Ebb and Flow of Time
[ 5 ] June 15, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: The Non-Linear Ebb and Flow of Time

we are wondering if Sammy Meezer lives in some weird place with no bird or squirrel tv that he is all wound up about aliens next door. btw – when your mom gets new ink on her, are you allowed to lick it? our mom gotted some but she keeps telling Ivy that she isn’t […]

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Ask Max Monday: Leave the TV On! Doctor Who Might Be Playing!
[ 4 ] June 8, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Leave the TV On! Doctor Who Might Be Playing!

Dear Max, I’m a girl tuxedo kitty named Mattie.  My human is my new mom, because my first mom went over the bridge.  We get along pretty well. But she can’t understand why I don’t purr.  She seems to think there’s something wrong and maybe I’m not happy here. I let her know that I […]

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Ask Max Monday: Love Means Never Having To Say “Daaaang. Who Farted?”
[ 4 ] June 1, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Love Means Never Having To Say “Daaaang. Who Farted?”

Hi Max So, now that I’m taller then Emily my ‘big’ sister, doesn’t that make her my ‘little’ sister, and as such shouldn’t she now have to do as I say?? Thanks Gunners dream Well…no. In sibling terms “big” and “little” have not much to do with relative size, but instead refer to length of […]

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Ask Max Monday: Purring For Profit
[ 5 ] May 25, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Purring For Profit

um wait, your humans cannot flush the human litterbox after they pee, and they can’t shower all the time? Oh dood, come to New York – you can flush and shower all day and no one cares – and it probably smells a lot nicer here too. our the mom would spend all day gagging […]

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Ask Max Monday: Flushing Out The Water Dish
[ 3 ] May 18, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Flushing Out The Water Dish

So Max, do you and Buddah have slap-fest fights? Miles and I have them and they are fun, but then he ruins it by screaming like a little girl, or a teenage girl in a horror movie. Sometimes we just sit facing each other with our paws in the air like we are going to […]

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Ask Max Monday: The Interest Owed For Desertion
[ 3 ] May 11, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: The Interest Owed For Desertion

Dear Wise Guru Uncle Max, Our humans did something totally inhumane–they left us for a whole day and a half. They served us brunch on Saturday and didn’t feed us again until their return on Sunday. We meant to give them cold tail to punish them, we really did, but you can imagine what 18 […]

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Ask Max Monday: Amazon. It Has Everything.

Ask Max Monday: Amazon. It Has Everything.

HAY MAX HOW DO I GET MY OWN BAT’LETH SWORD? I COODN’T FIND THEM ON AMAZON AND I THINK THEY WOOD COME IN HANDY WIN I’M SNAKE AND GOFER HUNTING. Dood, you didn’t look hard enough. Amazon has them! They’re pretty big, though. You might need to grow about 27” more inches tall and put […]

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Ask Max Monday: Cuddles Happen.
[ 6 ] April 27, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Cuddles Happen.

Dear Max My fur siblings have been just raving about your wise advice, so I just want to run a quick question by you. My human food person is pretty good at seeing to my basic needs, but unfortunately she is very affectionate, and constantly trying to pet and stroke me, and…..shudder….. Pick me up […]

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Ask Max Monday: Camo. The E-Ticket to Adventureland
[ 2 ] April 20, 2015 |

Ask Max Monday: Camo. The E-Ticket to Adventureland

Sir Max, In the morning before noms, I gotta chase and kill so I can eat with a happy tummy. I usually dump the toys out of the basket by the sink and chase cotton balls and tissue crumples and bestest of all, kill the cotton-ona-stick by dunking it in the water bowl. Then I […]

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