Author Archive: Max the Psycho Kitty

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything.

He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003

Max is the author of five blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,",
"The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats
" and the most recent: Bite Me.

His most recent is a book of poetry, "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket."

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Ask Max Monday: Hit 225 Points, You Get A Free Ice Cream
[ 1 ] July 25, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Hit 225 Points, You Get A Free Ice Cream

Dear Max, Once again I need help in training my human. Now she says she will re-tire in a few years. OK so she needs new tires just get them, don’t tell me about it. I only go in the car once get a year anyway, Bast willing. Then she says when she re-tires she […]

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Ask Max Monday: How To Make A Kajillion Dollars
[ 7 ] July 18, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: How To Make A Kajillion Dollars

Hey Max, I can see how you and Buddah are such unique and sometimes demanding cats that the Woman might want an animal free period (at least until they decide they must have a cat in the house again – or maybe an elephant). I have a question about my crankypants cat. I never do […]

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Ask Max Monday: It’s Okay To Be Pet Free
[ 9 ] July 11, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: It’s Okay To Be Pet Free

Dear Max, As purr usual you were right! We tried out the elephant or should I say smellephant? We rented a nice one just to try it out but we couldn’t even get her through the front door and she missed her family so she went back home. Maybe when the time is right I’ll […]

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Ask Max Monday: We’ll Take Toothy Death For $100, Alex…
[ 5 ] July 4, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: We’ll Take Toothy Death For $100, Alex…

Sound advice, as always, Max. What would kitties ever do without you? They’d have to Google a lot, which means they would get more fur stuck in the keys of the computer, which means people would be upset a lot more…I have to live to, like, 100 just to keep peace throughout 4,321,593 households. Max, […]

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Ask Max Monday: Yes, We’ll Take That Card Back
[ 6 ] June 27, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Yes, We’ll Take That Card Back

Dear Max, Happy belated birfy day. Yesterday we were busy and couldn’t write to you because my sisfur had to go to the stabby lady house and they decided to keep her, well only until she’s better. She stopped eating and was dehydrated. She even lost two pounds. Her white count was high and they […]

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Ask Max Monday: Today Is A Good Day
[ 15 ] June 20, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Today Is A Good Day

  Today, doods, I want you to go out and have some fun. Or stay inside and have some fun. Just have fun. Today is my birthday, and my birthday should be a day for fun. Y’all know that the People never really expected me to live this long. Just before I turned 4, when […]

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Ask Max Monday: Breathe.
[ 9 ] June 13, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Breathe.

Dear Max, Weez kitties have a situazun up in da house. It got nice and warm when The springs sprung, but then the propellers on da ceiling started making it windy in here. Now there is frickin freezing air coming out of the vents thingies. Humommy says she gots the hots waves but kitties is […]

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Ask Max Monday: If You Give A Cat An Armpit…
[ 1 ] June 6, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: If You Give A Cat An Armpit…

Hi hi hi oh wise and wonderfur Max Iz need to ask youse a impurrtant question. My hoomin meowmie says fur such a cute little gurl Iz got a potty mouth! !! Dere be a birdie bath in front on de living room window and ever time a birdie takes a bath Iz make a […]

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Ask Max Monday: You Been CHOOSED, Dood!
[ 2 ] May 30, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: You Been CHOOSED, Dood!

Thanks Max – that is helpful and I will add the “no” without using a pointy finger in hopes that he associates the word and me leaving with a behavior that means he doesn’t get attention. He’s not a big fan of high places, but can mostly be found in a medium height cat tree […]

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Ask Max Monday: The True Nature of the Blurpy
[ 4 ] May 23, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: The True Nature of the Blurpy

Max, the human used to wake up at 6 and that was breakfast time. Now the wakes up at 5, but breakfast is still at 6! Should we not get our breakfast earlier, since the human wakes up earlier? Once a person’s feet hit the floor, it’s food o’clock. Period. In fact, it’s AFTER food […]

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Ask Max Monday: Bring Back the Buzz
[ 6 ] May 16, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Bring Back the Buzz

max I don’t Unnerstand all this Tok about gerlfrenZ an boyfrenZ. I got my noodles clipped a bazillioN yeerz Ago an I never git urjes for anything that mite turn into dansing. I just wanna git my nap time in….alone! DO i need a purrsonality transplant or maybe put a toe in a lite sokkit […]

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Ask Max Monday: DISCOVER You Want a VISA
[ 5 ] May 9, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: DISCOVER You Want a VISA

Hi hi Max Wez got questions. Do kitties meow in different languages? I think so. Cats in Japan sound more like “nyan” and in Germany it’s more like “miau” (mee-ah) and in France it’s “miaou,” (meYAH) and in Russia it’s “woof.” Do gurl kitties know dey iz gurls an Boyz know dey iz boys? Maybe […]

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Ask Max Monday: I’m Hardly Needed This Week…
[ 3 ] May 2, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: I’m Hardly Needed This Week…

Max, dood. ME will go out with Weezer. Also, Sumo rassling is a common thing at mine house, so Tripper can come here. Also, we still think that flames shooting out of our butts sounds like fun. Also, how can ME make a Meezer shut up? He has a furry annoying voice and screams like […]

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Ask Max Monday: Wherein I Wax Poetic
[ 4 ] April 25, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Wherein I Wax Poetic

HAY MAX, HAVE YOO HERD ABOWT THIS OLIMPIKS THING? I THINK I’M A NACHERUL TO KUMPEET IN SOOMO WRASSLIN. WARE DO I SEND MY APPLIKAYSHUN? Hm. Well, the sumo doods are from Japan, so I think your best bet is to slap 16 stamps in your forehead, and write TO: SUMO CAMP C/O SUMO DOOD […]

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Ask Max Monday: You Got a Ticket TO Ride…So Hang On
[ 4 ] April 18, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: You Got a Ticket TO Ride…So Hang On

Max, I have a kitty who knows how to open windows. He’ll open them and sit right on the windowsil, or just stick his head out. Then he’ll wander off inside the house (and maybe open another window.) He never actually goes outside, but he lets mosquitos and other bugs in, and he doesn’t close […]

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Ask Max Monday: No Jamming of the Junk
[ 6 ] April 11, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: No Jamming of the Junk

HAY MAX I LIKE HANGING OUT ON MY LADY’S MOMMYBAGS CUZ THARE NICE AND KOOSHY, BUT WIN I KLIME UP THERE WIN SHE’S IN BED SHE’S ALL “I CAN’T BREETHE! MOOOVE!” AND THEN I HAVE TO GO DOWN AND SIT BY HER FEET AND THEN I CAN’T BREETHE CUZ OF THE STINK. IT’S JUST NOT […]

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Ask Max Monday: Divine Feline Design, Probably #5 or 6
[ 5 ] April 4, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Divine Feline Design, Probably #5 or 6

Hay Max, why duzn’t my butt taste like Fansy Feest? Because you poop out rainbows and sunshine, so naturally it tastes like a summer-time carnival. Without, you know, the masses of unwashed people and fetid aroma of rotten fried food. Pay attention…you probably fart glitter, too. Max, da hooman got a reel job wiff helf […]

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Ask Max Monday: Yelp Your Thinks
[ 8 ] March 28, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Yelp Your Thinks

Max!!! Our mom put up doors across part of our living room to make space for the foster kittens. And the doors have screens!!! I got all excited and then mom said if I even THOUGHT about climbing the screens, she would be mad and change my name to “dead meat”. We eats dead meat […]

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Ask Max Monday: At The End of All, Let Them Eat Cake
[ 2 ] March 21, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: At The End of All, Let Them Eat Cake

Tuday I finds owt that akwar-yum fishies fud taste like fishie treats. They is small tho, so yu hafs to lik thems owt of can. But hoomin gets mads and yells that akwar-yum fishie fuds is for akwar-yum fishies! If not for kitties then why fishie taste? And why called “akwar-YUM” if not for noms? […]

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Ask Max Monday: Grief Doesn’t Have a Calendar
[ 5 ] March 14, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Grief Doesn’t Have a Calendar

Dear Max, I lost my cat two weeks ago after almost 17 years together. Although he dealt with kidney disease the last 2+ years, it really got bad the last two months. I’m finding it really hard living without a cat – I know we had many good years together and I had time to […]

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