Author Archive: Max the Psycho Kitty

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything.

He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003

Max is the author of five blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,",
"The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats
" and the most recent: Bite Me.

His most recent is a book of poetry, "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket."

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Ask Max Monday: You Been CHOOSED, Dood!
[ 2 ] May 30, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: You Been CHOOSED, Dood!

Thanks Max – that is helpful and I will add the “no” without using a pointy finger in hopes that he associates the word and me leaving with a behavior that means he doesn’t get attention. He’s not a big fan of high places, but can mostly be found in a medium height cat tree […]

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Ask Max Monday: The True Nature of the Blurpy
[ 4 ] May 23, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: The True Nature of the Blurpy

Max, the human used to wake up at 6 and that was breakfast time. Now the wakes up at 5, but breakfast is still at 6! Should we not get our breakfast earlier, since the human wakes up earlier? Once a person’s feet hit the floor, it’s food o’clock. Period. In fact, it’s AFTER food […]

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Ask Max Monday: Bring Back the Buzz
[ 6 ] May 16, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Bring Back the Buzz

max I don’t Unnerstand all this Tok about gerlfrenZ an boyfrenZ. I got my noodles clipped a bazillioN yeerz Ago an I never git urjes for anything that mite turn into dansing. I just wanna git my nap time in….alone! DO i need a purrsonality transplant or maybe put a toe in a lite sokkit […]

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Ask Max Monday: DISCOVER You Want a VISA
[ 5 ] May 9, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: DISCOVER You Want a VISA

Hi hi Max Wez got questions. Do kitties meow in different languages? I think so. Cats in Japan sound more like “nyan” and in Germany it’s more like “miau” (mee-ah) and in France it’s “miaou,” (meYAH) and in Russia it’s “woof.” Do gurl kitties know dey iz gurls an Boyz know dey iz boys? Maybe […]

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Ask Max Monday: I’m Hardly Needed This Week…
[ 3 ] May 2, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: I’m Hardly Needed This Week…

Max, dood. ME will go out with Weezer. Also, Sumo rassling is a common thing at mine house, so Tripper can come here. Also, we still think that flames shooting out of our butts sounds like fun. Also, how can ME make a Meezer shut up? He has a furry annoying voice and screams like […]

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Ask Max Monday: Wherein I Wax Poetic
[ 4 ] April 25, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Wherein I Wax Poetic

HAY MAX, HAVE YOO HERD ABOWT THIS OLIMPIKS THING? I THINK I’M A NACHERUL TO KUMPEET IN SOOMO WRASSLIN. WARE DO I SEND MY APPLIKAYSHUN? Hm. Well, the sumo doods are from Japan, so I think your best bet is to slap 16 stamps in your forehead, and write TO: SUMO CAMP C/O SUMO DOOD […]

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Ask Max Monday: You Got a Ticket TO Ride…So Hang On
[ 4 ] April 18, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: You Got a Ticket TO Ride…So Hang On

Max, I have a kitty who knows how to open windows. He’ll open them and sit right on the windowsil, or just stick his head out. Then he’ll wander off inside the house (and maybe open another window.) He never actually goes outside, but he lets mosquitos and other bugs in, and he doesn’t close […]

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Ask Max Monday: No Jamming of the Junk
[ 6 ] April 11, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: No Jamming of the Junk

HAY MAX I LIKE HANGING OUT ON MY LADY’S MOMMYBAGS CUZ THARE NICE AND KOOSHY, BUT WIN I KLIME UP THERE WIN SHE’S IN BED SHE’S ALL “I CAN’T BREETHE! MOOOVE!” AND THEN I HAVE TO GO DOWN AND SIT BY HER FEET AND THEN I CAN’T BREETHE CUZ OF THE STINK. IT’S JUST NOT […]

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Ask Max Monday: Divine Feline Design, Probably #5 or 6
[ 5 ] April 4, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Divine Feline Design, Probably #5 or 6

Hay Max, why duzn’t my butt taste like Fansy Feest? Because you poop out rainbows and sunshine, so naturally it tastes like a summer-time carnival. Without, you know, the masses of unwashed people and fetid aroma of rotten fried food. Pay attention…you probably fart glitter, too. Max, da hooman got a reel job wiff helf […]

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Ask Max Monday: Yelp Your Thinks
[ 8 ] March 28, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Yelp Your Thinks

Max!!! Our mom put up doors across part of our living room to make space for the foster kittens. And the doors have screens!!! I got all excited and then mom said if I even THOUGHT about climbing the screens, she would be mad and change my name to “dead meat”. We eats dead meat […]

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Ask Max Monday: At The End of All, Let Them Eat Cake
[ 2 ] March 21, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: At The End of All, Let Them Eat Cake

Tuday I finds owt that akwar-yum fishies fud taste like fishie treats. They is small tho, so yu hafs to lik thems owt of can. But hoomin gets mads and yells that akwar-yum fishie fuds is for akwar-yum fishies! If not for kitties then why fishie taste? And why called “akwar-YUM” if not for noms? […]

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Ask Max Monday: Grief Doesn’t Have a Calendar
[ 5 ] March 14, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Grief Doesn’t Have a Calendar

Dear Max, I lost my cat two weeks ago after almost 17 years together. Although he dealt with kidney disease the last 2+ years, it really got bad the last two months. I’m finding it really hard living without a cat – I know we had many good years together and I had time to […]

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Ask Max Monday: Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na =^..^=
[ 3 ] March 7, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na =^..^=

Dear Wise One, I am a human asking for advise. Our elder cat crossed the bridge a couple of months ago. We was 18 years old – kind, gentle and wise. WE MISS HIM!! Our younger cat who is 8 years old has started racy around the house and yowling at the top of his […]

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Ask Max Monday: LEAP Into Noms!
[ 8 ] February 29, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: LEAP Into Noms!

Hi hi hi Max dude Wez need sum advice about diz cat dat Iz hanging around our house. How do wez tell him to getz lost. Me Sugar has licked a bald patch on my side wid de stress of him. He haz de nerve to sit in front of our Bay window on stare […]

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Ask Max Monday: How To Be A Trump
[ 3 ] February 22, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: How To Be A Trump

Max, what do you think of brushies? Sumtimes I meow for brushies and I gets them. Sumtimes I do not gets them. Sumtimes I gets brushies when I DO NOT WANT and I gif the hoomin a biteys and scratchings wif claws. Do you like brushies? What is the bestest, brushies or pettins or skritches? […]

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Ask Max Monday: We’re Going To The Dogs Today
[ 2 ] February 15, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: We’re Going To The Dogs Today

Dood, the mom says mine breath smells like “butt” and she is going to brush mine teeth. Is it ok to bite her if she tries? Dood, it’s, like, the LAW to bite her when she tries krap like that. You might not win, but you’ll draw blood and that’s kind of the same thing. […]

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Ask Max Monday: Yeah, Dood…
[ 2 ] February 8, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Yeah, Dood…

Wise Mr. Max, I LOVE stinky goodness, but there are so many flavors and kinds. What are the best flavors? With or without gravy? Are there other good brands? Thank you so much for your help. My favorite stinky goodness is Fancy Feast. I mean, I freaking LOVE that stuff. I also like NutrMax sometimes, […]

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Ask Max Monday: FLUSH. It’s NOT a Game.
[ 4 ] February 1, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: FLUSH. It’s NOT a Game.

Hi hi hi Max Its your Canuck fan Sugar-Cookie Iz seen meowmie has bought someting called a Valentine card fur our pawpaw from de kitties. What is Valentine day and does I do any thing special fur my big brofur Oakley. Meowmie caught us snuggle on de Lazyboy and Iz was licking hiz face all […]

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Ask Max Monday: If It’s Twosday, This Must Be San Francisco
[ 1 ] January 25, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: If It’s Twosday, This Must Be San Francisco

Deer Max – thank you for answering our brother’s question and pointing out that he is a gross and disgusting being. He thinks we’re just being mean to him when we tell him, but it’s true. Also, there IS a 2nd Tuesday next week – because the mom is always telling us that she will […]

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Ask Max Monday: Rules Are Rules…Until They’re Not
[ 8 ] January 18, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Rules Are Rules…Until They’re Not

Hey Max…we here there is going to be another Kitten Bowl this year instead of the Stooper Bowl. We think that would be much more interesting. Except….that is about what goes on around here EVERY day with the foster kittens….. Does this mean we are going to be on TV?? Honestly…I doubt it. But you […]

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