Category: Columns

Good News Tewsday: Thomas Jefferson’s Bad Day
[ 4 ] January 17, 2017 |

Good News Tewsday: Thomas Jefferson’s Bad Day

Thomas Jefferson had a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day. The day started off well enough, with his usual breakfast of Fancy Feast sliced turkey in gravy. But it was downhill from there. Way downhill. He was up doing his usual exploring and defense of the perimeter of his house from the roof, 3 […]

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Ask Max Monday: No Butts About It
[ 2 ] January 16, 2017 |

Ask Max Monday: No Butts About It

MAX!!! I think my peeple are WIKKINS! They lokt us in a room, and win we came out, the krissmiss tree wuz GON and thare wuz nuthin but a pile of needuls ware it had been. I think they used BLAK MAJIK to make it disappeer. Can they make US disappeer? And how menny sleeps […]

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Good News Tewsday: Cat Rescued from Garage Door Predicament
[ 5 ] January 10, 2017 |

Good News Tewsday: Cat Rescued from Garage Door Predicament

Bella found herself in a purrdicament. Last Wednesday, Bella’s neighbor in Ascension Parish, LA, called the sheriff to report that Bella was stuck in her garage door. When Deputy Mike Scott arrived, his heart sank. The grey and white moggie appeared to be squashed between the top of the garage door opening and the wall. “Never in […]

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Ask Max Monday: …Where No Man Has Gone Before… Kinda.
[ 5 ] January 9, 2017 |

Ask Max Monday: …Where No Man Has Gone Before… Kinda.

OMG Max weer running out of time!!! They sed owr krissmiss tree is going away! We tride to nok it over, but we just made a bunch of balls go broken insted. So we nocked over the ficuss tree. It’s tiny, but thare wuz a LOT of wet blak dert that spilt onto the wite […]

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Friday Film Review by Homereno: Quelle HORREUR!!!
[ 2 ] January 6, 2017 |

Friday Film Review by Homereno: Quelle HORREUR!!!

RENO: Sumtimes we like to have the poop scairt rite out of us. HOMER: And the only thing that’s more terryfying to heer than “We’re getting a dawg,” is  “We’re havin a baybee.” RENO: This movey has BOTH: DAWGS and BAYBEEZ! HOMER: The only thing that’s missin is KLOWNZ! RENO: KLOWNS WARING FEZZES DRIVING THOZE TINY […]

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Good News Tewsday: Conductor Awarded for Unbelievable Cat Rescue
[ 0 ] January 3, 2017 |

Good News Tewsday: Conductor Awarded for Unbelievable Cat Rescue

2016 sucked. Hoping to make 2017 just a little bit better, Mousebreath is going to publish a feel-good feline story once a week in a new feature: Good News Tewsday. As a native Californian, I reach for the parka anytime it gets below about 50 degrees (so long as hot flashes don’t get in the […]

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Ask Max Monday: HAPPY NEW YEAR DOODS!
[ 8 ] January 2, 2017 |

Ask Max Monday: HAPPY NEW YEAR DOODS!

Hello Max, Me and my human mommy binge watched Dr. Who all day and evening, too. I was nice and let her up to use the litter box room a few times, and to feed me. It was the BEST! Dr Who and treats all day and evening! But I have a question. How many […]

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Friday Film Review by Homereno: BRRRRR!
[ 2 ] December 30, 2016 |

Friday Film Review by Homereno: BRRRRR!

HOMER: It wuz a bizzy week! RENO: Yup. We klimed up the chiminy and killed sum krissmiss ornamints and got krabs! HOMER: The krabs wuz deelishus! RENO: And of korse, we watched lots of mooveys. I wood not have ixpekted to like this wun, but I did. HOMER: I dinged my rating a littul acuz thare […]

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Ask Max Monday: The Tuesday Edition
[ 1 ] December 27, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: The Tuesday Edition

Are you related in any degree to our Baby Su? You do share certain character traits. Just sayin’. I might be. Who knows? As far as I know my parents were random alley cats who met while on a Nip bender behind the 7-11 at 4 a.m. I could be related to a whole bunch […]

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Friday Film Review by Homereno: Double Feature!
[ 5 ] December 23, 2016 |

Friday Film Review by Homereno: Double Feature!

RENO: During the 5 or 7 minits a day weer not kurrently spending dismantuling the krissmiss tree, we like to watch the yootoobs. HOMER: Yeah, that krissmiss tree werk takes a lot of time an enerjy! It’s nice to kik bak and just watch a good moovey and chillax. This week we’re reviewing TOO of […]

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Ask Max Monday: Squish A Kitty Optimal Training
[ 3 ] December 19, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Squish A Kitty Optimal Training

Max, we chit you not, da hooman turns 40 dis week. She kinda slippin. Her brane seem a bit derpy. Any tips for caring for a old-AF hooman? How we make shur we git da house wen she ded? How we petishun for pawer of a-turny? Mos importint, do you fink we can lern how […]

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Friday Film Review by Homereno: Laser Chaser
[ 3 ] December 16, 2016 |

Friday Film Review by Homereno: Laser Chaser

We spend a lot of time on the yootoob channel “Cat Games,” and this week we’re revyooing one of the mooveys frum that channel, “Laser Chaser.” HOMER: Thare’s nuthin like chasin The Red Dot. RENO: Yeah, but the problim is, the peeple won’t spend more than 15 or 20 minits a day making The Red Dot go. […]

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Ask Max Monday: Heads, You Win. Tails, You Win.
[ 3 ] December 12, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Heads, You Win. Tails, You Win.

Max Dood Can we talk about something that has been bothering me for a long time? Years in fact. The problem is this – My name is Miles Phillippe Meezer. NOT “Poosie” “Puddin” “Fatso” “Farty” “Master McBarf” or “Poosie” – yes I said that one twice because I think that the mom has totally forgotten […]

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Friday Film Guide by Homer & Reno
[ 2 ] December 9, 2016 |

Friday Film Guide by Homer & Reno

We’re noo to this interwebs thing cuz we’re just kittins, but we are alreddy moovey expurrts and wunt to help you find the bestest youtubes entertainment availubul. This week’s moovey review is Litter Box Fly. RENO: Hooz the best fly hunter in our howse, Homer–you or me? HOMER: I am, definitly. Yer the moth hunting […]

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Ask Max Monday: Kitten Gifting
[ 2 ] December 5, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Kitten Gifting

Max, whuts a tale for? My bruther thwaps his in my face then gits all hissy win I try to kill it. If its not fur playin or killin, whuts it for? Tails have many functions: to balance, show emotion, clear the bathroom counter, test the temperature of whatever the human is drinking, and my […]

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Ask Max Monday: California COOL
[ 3 ] November 28, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: California COOL

HAY MAX HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY YOO TO WARE THAT TURKEEY HAT? I did it for free, dood! I mean, look at me. I AM STUNNING! And now everyone knows I mean business when I tell them to back off or I’ll wear their asterisk for a hat, because now there’s proof. Max i […]

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Ask Max Monday: Kitten Tongues, I Tell Ya!
[ 2 ] November 21, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Kitten Tongues, I Tell Ya!

how many more sleeps until Santa?? we are asking for a friend Not too many! Santa comes in a little over a month, so only 1,265 more sleeps! Max on the ballon idea, what about the Chinese lanterns you light and send into the night. I think those are more eco friendly I think those […]

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Ask Max Monday: Vote NO on Balloons
[ 5 ] November 14, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Vote NO on Balloons

hay max i herd you no evrything, so i haff an impurrtunt thing to ask. i just came to liv at a noo place. it’s nice. my brudder livs heer. i lived in a kupple udder places beefore this one cuz nobuddy wunts to giv blak cats furever homes. my brudder sez they’ll keep me, […]

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Ask Max Monday: Kitty Kolor 101
[ 5 ] November 7, 2016 |

Ask Max Monday: Kitty Kolor 101

Max, we teecht da hooman to fech. She almos got it figgert owt. She fro da mousie, we watch. She fro it agin and stare at us. We do nuffin. She run affer it. We watch. She get it, she say “here! ketch, kitties!” She fro it, we watch. What uvver triks can we teech […]

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RIP Jeter Harris
[ 9 ] November 4, 2016 |

RIP Jeter Harris

Da Grate Jeter Harris made his way to the Rainbow Bridge this week, and I am devastated. I last saw Jeter three weeks ago. I’ve stayed at his house many times, but he’d always been wary of me. If I was lucky, if I got up in the middle of the night to pee he’d […]

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