Many of you will recognize these two feline ladies from their questions/comments on Ask Max, the Monday Mousebreath advice column. Yes, they are friends of Max the Psycho Kitty. We enjoy their wit and humor and believe you will too. We invited Spider and Gracie to visit us so we can all become better acquainted.
FFF: Please introduce yourself and your human.
Spider: I’m 7 pownds of sleek, black hous pamfer wiff 19.5 years of experience doin cat stuff, like yellin for foood and breakin fings and lookin out for boids. Nuffin gets past me. I’m da terminator. I’m tuff as a leff turn downtown, unless I’m sleepin, which is abowt 87 purrcent of the time these days. Abowt da hooman, she’s MINE! As is her lap, her pets, her bras (wich I rub my face in), and her rotissery chucken! Gracie ben here 12.5 years, and I still don’t wanna share nuffin!
Gracie: I’m a abbissinian/tabby mix, wich makes me a little skwirly and I got da ADHD, but I’m sooper smart. Im makin a time macheen outta socks and ballpoint pens under da gest room bed. Da Food Lady is some sorta teacher fing, so I hafta be her larm clok and get her up early so she have time to luv on me proper.
Funny Farmer Felines: If you have any furry siblings, please introduce them too.
Spider: I let da hooman and Gracie liff here. Ain’t dat enuff?
Funny Farmer Felines: How did you all come to live together?
Spider: I’m from Texas. I was liffin a tuff life on da streets as a haff-growed kitten, til a family fownd me near da air force base. Den dat family had to go bak to Englind er sumpin and I got leff at da hoomane society. Da hooman was just outta college an at her first job a fowzand miles away from home and she was lonely, so I said I’d liff with her and make her feel better. SHE OWES ME BIG TIME! One time I tell her da partment next door is on fire so she can call fire truks. I didn’t never get no medal for dat.
Gracie: The Food Lady got me from a frend of a frend who had me as da last of a litter of kittens. I was 8 munfs old and heckin cute and she couldn’t resist my charms. My litter was sorta an oops sitchuation. My mom was a unwed housecat wiff a fing for all da boicats in the da nayberhood. All my litter mates look diffrent.
Funny Farmer Felines: Tell us a little about the area where you live.
Spider: We liff in a sublurb of Chicago, wutebber dat means. Da Cat TV here is pretty good – skwarls, rabbits, abowt elebenty-nine kinda boids.
Funny Farmer Felines: Do you have any nicknames?
Gracie: Let me cownt dem on my toe beens: Goosie, Grace da Face, Skweeker, Gigi, Tuffy, Stripe, Moosey, da Bizness.
Spider: I have moar: Pidey, Pideypants, Mizz Thang, What’s Shakin Little Bacon?, Boots, Floppycat, Hot Fuzz, Clementine, Niblette, Pamfer, Murder Muffin, Squiggy.
Funny Farmer Felines: What kind of mischief do you like to get into, either separately or together?
Spider: Wutever do you mean? Didn’t do nuffin. Who told you we did sumpin? Gib me his name.
Gracie: Spider like to play in da water bowls and nok stuff offa shelfs and skach da cowch. I busted a lamp, but da lamp was talkin smak, so I couldn’t just keep walkin past.
Funny Farmer Felines: Do you have a blog?
Spider: We don’t haff a blog … yet. Our hooman usta be a noospaper columnist, so we figure we can scam off her mad riting skillz. Stay tuned tho.
Funny Farmer Felines: Do you belong to the Cat Scouts?
Gracie: Cat Scouts, huh? We’d join if dere was overpriced catnip cookies to sell.
Funny Farmer Felines: Are you on any social media you would like to share with readers?
Spider: Da hooman exploits owr cuteness on Facebook on the regular, if dat cownts. She a sucker for dem likes.
Funny Farmer Felines: What is your greatest love and your biggest fear?
Spider: My best luv is rotissery chucken and my chare in da sun and MY hooman. I do NOT like da vakoom cleener.
Gracie: I love shrimps and wakin da hooman up when it still dark to tell her fings dat I just fowt of. I don’t like da lowd ringy ding-dong when da uvver hoomans come over.
Funny Farmer Felines: Does your human volunteer for a shelter?
Spider: Sometimes da Food Lady take cat food cans to da hoomane society. We fink she shood leave dem here for us to eat, but she sez doze kitties don’t have homes, so dey need extra luvs.
Funny Farmer Felines: How would you describe yourself?
Spider: Very opinionated.
Gracie: Pritty patient. Unless dere’s shrimps around.
Funny Farmer Felines: If we were to ask your human what she loves best about you, what do you think she would say?
Spider: My hooman finds me high-larious and sassy. I don’t know why. I’m serious as a hairball most da time. But it keeps her from getting too deepresst. Also I keep moiderous boids outta da house. I’m also cuddly and kissy and purry.
Gracie: I make rilly good lazanya, and I make an effort not to shed on her cloze too much. My hooman luvs when I wake her up and make sure she not ded. She also luv my hed bonks. I giff her a reason to git up.
Funny Farmer Felines: Spider and Gracie are planning to start a blog in mid-May. There will be details about it on their Food Lady’s Instagram account, plus plenty of pix of the girls too.