Ask Max Monday: I Don’t Want A Man-Thingy!

Max, I am a girl kitty have been living with my woman for all my life, which is 13 years and several months. She gave me my forever home when she was just 13 herself, and it was just me, her, and her Mom, but for the last 5 years it’s been just her and me. Oh, I am used to people coming and going in her life, including man-type-people, about which I wholly disapprove, and she is aware of this.

Well, being aware of this hasn’t stopped her. Soon she is bringing one of these man-type-people into the house TO LIVE. As in, he will be here FOREVER. Not only do I disapprove, but I do not like him. I do not want him living here. Max, he likes dogs! The only saving grace is that he’s not bringing one with him.
What do I do? How do I stop her from saying “I do” to this hairy, stinky, male creature and how do I keep him from moving in?

I feel for you, I really do. It’s hard enough to have to snoopervise one human being, let alone two, and harder still if you don’t like one of them. But, doodette, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re gonna have to suck it up and let the Man Thingy move in, and you’re gonna have to try to be happy when she says “I do” to him.

Yeah, it’s a sacrifice on your part. He likes woofies and you’re a kitty, but you never know…he might realize that deep down he loves cats as much as he loves dogs, and he’ll be your best friend in the house.

So instead of trying to keep him from moving in, welcome him. Love on him. Make that man your beeotch. Doodette, kitty whip him. Every time he sits down, jump in his lap and purr hard. Every time he gets in bed, get in with him and lie across his head. When he goes into the giant litterbox room, follow him and rub against his legs and praise him for not tinkling on the seat. And then to seal the deal, start catching bugs around the house and gift them to him. Do your bug hunting just before daylight, when bugs are at their juiciest, and present them all deaded as a nice breakfast in bed treat. Oh, and if you can catch a MOUSE? Doodette…that would be the Best. Gift. Ever. To make it of the most awesome mouse gift variety, rip the head off before you drop it onto his slumbering face. He will love you for it forever.

Seriously…you gotta make friends with this guy. Not to be indelicate, but you ARE over 13, and someday you’re going to go to the Rainbow Bridge and leave her behind, and she’s gonna need her Man Thingy to help her get through the sadness.

Yeah, I know. But people don’t grok that the Bridge is someplace special and they get all weepy, sometimes for too long. She’s loved you since she was pretty much a kitten herself…let her have the doood. Just don’t forget to give him all those special presents.

Why do my people get so upset when I throw up on the rug? It’s a Persian rug. That means it’s for cats, right?

I dunno, man. You think the whole Persian thing would be self evident. But for their sake, you might wanna start barfing on the bed, where they can easily find it. They needed to change the sheets anyway.

Can cats get spit ends in their furs and whiskers?

Well, yeah, if their human is licking them and drools a lot…

6 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: I Don’t Want A Man-Thingy!

  1. Deer Max – How does ME get mine baby meezer brofur to STOP LICKING MINE HEAD? He has BAD BREAF and ME doesn’t want mine head to smell like his dragon breaf. It’s GROSS. It’s not gross when ME does it to him – or mine older meezer brofurs. Orinch kitties haf sweet breafs. (Pee Ess – feel free to correkt mine spelling and stuffs)

  2. I see that you give excellent advice, Max, so I thought I could come to you with my little problem. My sweet cat, Matsui, brings me gifts. I appreciate that and know that he does this because he likes the way I mash his food. Lately, however, he has been delivering ENORMOUS RATS. I am tired of picking them up and “burying” them in my neighbor’s yard. I thought we were ok this morning but I found one in the middle of my yard. What to do?

  3. Our Man, we call him Dad, used to be utterly terrified of cats. When he was a young tyke he got all nervous because a kitty started following him in the park and he ran home like his butt was on fire!
    Then when he met our mom, he was 17 and she had a big white kitty named Chom Chom. Chommy must have sensed his nervousness because he started loving on Dad, who then was Boyfriend, once even climbing on his belly as he was laying on the couch!! It took all he had not to run screaming out the door but he has liked kitties ever since.
    We thank Chom Chom for breaking in this guy who was to become Dad because now him & Mom are 51 freaking years old and have us three and just paid $300 to trap and get our outside kitty spayed. That’s amore!

  4. Just for the record, there is hope for you, kitty girl. My Man Thingy swore he did not like cats (can you believe I even gave him a chance?), but I saw through his whole dogs rule, brain-washed glaze and now, hold onto your tail, he loves cats as much as me, and would have been the first to tell you so had I not beaten him to it this time 🙂

  5. You can Ask Max in the comments here, or you can click on the Ask Max Anything link at my blog (it’s at the top), OR you can send me a PM on Facebook. FB is a good place for longer questions since the link on my blog that goes to Formspring only allows for short questions.

  6. Max–psst.. where do I “ask Max” now that you are over here at Mousebreath?!

    Oh and just cause there is a male there doesn’t mean the cat has to like it. Some males are icky and Women have no taste..

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