Max, I am a girl kitty have been living with my woman for all my life, which is 13 years and several months. She gave me my forever home when she was just 13 herself, and it was just me, her, and her Mom, but for the last 5 years it’s been just her and me. Oh, I am used to people coming and going in her life, including man-type-people, about which I wholly disapprove, and she is aware of this.
Well, being aware of this hasn’t stopped her. Soon she is bringing one of these man-type-people into the house TO LIVE. As in, he will be here FOREVER. Not only do I disapprove, but I do not like him. I do not want him living here. Max, he likes dogs! The only saving grace is that he’s not bringing one with him.
What do I do? How do I stop her from saying “I do” to this hairy, stinky, male creature and how do I keep him from moving in?
I feel for you, I really do. It’s hard enough to have to snoopervise one human being, let alone two, and harder still if you don’t like one of them. But, doodette, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re gonna have to suck it up and let the Man Thingy move in, and you’re gonna have to try to be happy when she says “I do” to him.
Yeah, it’s a sacrifice on your part. He likes woofies and you’re a kitty, but you never know…he might realize that deep down he loves cats as much as he loves dogs, and he’ll be your best friend in the house.
So instead of trying to keep him from moving in, welcome him. Love on him. Make that man your beeotch. Doodette, kitty whip him. Every time he sits down, jump in his lap and purr hard. Every time he gets in bed, get in with him and lie across his head. When he goes into the giant litterbox room, follow him and rub against his legs and praise him for not tinkling on the seat. And then to seal the deal, start catching bugs around the house and gift them to him. Do your bug hunting just before daylight, when bugs are at their juiciest, and present them all deaded as a nice breakfast in bed treat. Oh, and if you can catch a MOUSE? Doodette…that would be the Best. Gift. Ever. To make it of the most awesome mouse gift variety, rip the head off before you drop it onto his slumbering face. He will love you for it forever.
Seriously…you gotta make friends with this guy. Not to be indelicate, but you ARE over 13, and someday you’re going to go to the Rainbow Bridge and leave her behind, and she’s gonna need her Man Thingy to help her get through the sadness.
Yeah, I know. But people don’t grok that the Bridge is someplace special and they get all weepy, sometimes for too long. She’s loved you since she was pretty much a kitten herself…let her have the doood. Just don’t forget to give him all those special presents.
Why do my people get so upset when I throw up on the rug? It’s a Persian rug. That means it’s for cats, right?
I dunno, man. You think the whole Persian thing would be self evident. But for their sake, you might wanna start barfing on the bed, where they can easily find it. They needed to change the sheets anyway.
Can cats get spit ends in their furs and whiskers?
Well, yeah, if their human is licking them and drools a lot…