Ask Max Monday: 53 Internet Points if Someone Brings Me Cheetos…

Ask Max Monday

Hey Max, that Deztinee High looks pretty hot. How do I know when it’s time to git a gerlfrend, and how do I go about it? I’ve gone owt in owr nayberhood lookin fer gerlcats and haven’t fownd any. Also, someone stole my grapes abowt a yeer ago. Duz that meen I can’t have a gerlfrend? (Pleeze respond qwikly cuz I’m having da urjes.)

You can still have a girlfriend even without your grapes, but I gotta tell ya, dood, they cost money, they want a lot of your time, and without the goods you’re kind of useless in the bouncy bouncy fun times department. That’s why I have never settled down with one girl kitty…I figure since the People took the fun bits, I’m free to love all my friends equally. And I don’t have to spend all my money on one kitty.

If you really think you need a girlfriend, you can always advertise on Craigslist. It’s free…just put up a notice that says “Studly handsome bachelor seeks sweet, fine…kitty.” I’m pretty sure someone will knock on your door within a few hours. Don’t worry about the uniform they’ll be wearing, and the pawcuffs are just for fun.


Hey Max!
We loves reading your column and your books. We are hoping you can help us with our current meom-freak-out problem.

Meom was eating some sour cream and onion chips. Now..sometimes…we get a little taste of plain chips (crumbs really, sheesh).

Weellll…Meom walked away and Dot knocked one of the chips on the floor and jumped on it…now it’s crumbs…and we started chomping away. Meom soooooo freaked out because of the onions. She wouldn’t sleep and wouldn’t let us sleep. Something about wanting to make sure we didn’t need an emergency V-E-T visit. It was ONE CHIP for codness sake! And we SHARED!!!

So..we seem fine…how can we talk Meom into letting us have MORE???!!! They were pretty tasty but she is being stingy *pout*

Thanks Max!
(PS…Dot says it was Dip who knocked the chip off…sisters! Sheesh!)

Well, really, I doubt you can get her to voluntarily give you another one of those chips, just in case. Onions can really mess you up, though that little amount probably would just make you fart, which would actually be okay, because farts are always funny.

There needs to be a happy medium. She’s a good Mom so she’s not going to hand over one of those tasty, tasty crispy treats, but I bet you can guilt her into giving you something better.

Think about it. Those chips were sour cream and onion. It’s the onion part you can’t have. And she can’t scrap it off. So clearly, she needs to do something else for you while she enjoys her chips.

Sour cream.

She needs to get you some sour cream to enjoy while she enjoys her chips. She could nom away, and you could shove your entire face into a bowl filled with sour cream, and everyone would be happy.

Or…ya know there’s something better than sour cream and onion chips, right?


She totally needs to get you some Cheetos. She could even have some, and let you lick the cheesy goodness off one while she’s eating. I tell you, those things are like food of the gawds.


Now I want one.

Max, my mom keeps calling me Snookums. My name is Jojo. What’s her problem?

Dood, just go with the flow. My name is Max but I get called all kinds of names, like Big Guy, Captain Cranky Pants, Buddy, and YouFurryLittleBastard. People have this need to use a bunch of different names. Trust me, there are things worse than Snookums that you can be called.

Like Buddah gets called Sweetpea and Sweetypie all the time. That’s way worse. That’s…wrong.

Mr. Max, I hope you can help us. We’re a couple of 30-somethings who are adopting a kitten soon, and we’ve been discussing how we want to do things, such as feeding, what kind of water fountain to get, and toys, and we’re on the same page for most of those things. When it came to what type litter to get, we realized we were of different minds. One of us wants typical clumping litter, and the other wishes to toilet train our new furbaby. Since we are on very opposite minds about this, we agreed: ask Max. So can you give us your wisdom?

One of you isn’t going to like me very much, but I can live with that.

I know it’s tempting to toilet train a cat, because hey, no box to scoop! But really…I don’t think it’s a great idea. It’s not exactly a natural thing for a kitty to do; we have an inner drive to eliminate, and then bury it. It’s just what we do. I think (some may disagree with me) that a litter box and litter your cat prefers—you’ll figure that out with trial and error, though I prefer Tidy Cats—is far better and much more natural for your cat to use.

There’s also the issue of cat waste in the water system. I don’t have any hard and fast data, but I have heard (so take this hearsay for what it’s worth) that “they” don’t like people flushing cat poop because it’s bad for the water system. If you leave it up to me, the kitty is getting a litter box and litter. If you scoop every day, it’s really not a big deal. If my people can handle it, anyone can.

    3 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: 53 Internet Points if Someone Brings Me Cheetos…

    1. Thanks, Max!!! Meom isn’t so worried now…but we are annoyed with her. We have NEVER had Cheetos. She promised to fix that very, very soon. Still…NOW we wonder what else she is holding out on!!! Overall, she is a stingy-gut when it comes to the people noms. Anyways…thanks again Max!

    2. Old Man Simon Black Cat Says:

      The litter box is WAY better!

      1) Access – what happens if someone leaves the lid down on the litter box toilet, and Kitty can’t take care of business?

      2) “MINE!” – Some kitties feel their litter box should be for their own personal use, and no one else’s. He may get upset because some PEOPLES decide to use HIS personal litter box toilet, and refuse to use it? (Kitty may feel the need to pull a “Max” and poop all over a pillow in retaliation.)

      3) Visitors may decide “ICK” at the idea of using the same litter box toilet as the cat.

      4) What about flushing the litter box toilet? Could lead to some interesting “discussions” in your home about who forgot to flush the litter box!

      5) Vet visits/boarding – Vet clinics and cat hotels aren’t going to have a litter box toilet available just for Kitty. They’re going to provide a litter box. After using the potty the way God intended, Kitty may decide they’d rather have a REAL litter box. And to convince you they’re right, they may try to “hold it”. Which can be BAD for him. (And Kitty may once again feel the need to pull a “Max” and poop all over a pillow until you understand what he’s telling you.)

      6) Some day, if you’re very lucky, your cat will be as old as I am. (I’m 15 this year!) They may become frail and arthritic, making jumping even that little bit hurt, and making balancing on the litter box toilet HARD. So then he may refuse to use it because it’s too HARD. If they never learned to use the litter box, all sorts of unfortunate things could happen. Like Kitty could fall in and get wet! (And then Kitty may once again feel the need to pull a “Max” and poop all over a pillow.)

      It seems like a cute, easy idea. But maybe not best for kitty in the long run. At the very least, if you do decide to potty train your kitty, make a normal litter box available – so they know what it’s for and how to use it.

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