Ask Max Monday: A Gift Unappreciated

Ask Max Monday

HAY MAX I’VE GOT AN IMPORTUNT QWESCHUN CUZ MY LADEY IS DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!! YESTERDAY I BROT HER A TINY BABEH WABBIT AND I BROT IT INTO THE HOUSE AND I EVEN MADE SHUR I DIDN’T MAKE IT GO DED CUZ THAT’S THE BEST PART AND WIN MY LADY SAW ME WITH THE BABEH WABBIT IN MY MOWTH SHE SKREEMED AND THE BABEH WABBIT RAN INTO A KORNER AND SHE HAD TO GET IT OUT WITH BARBY KYOO TONGS AND THEN SHE SED OMIGOD IT’S A BABEH WABBIT!!!!! AND SHE PUT IT IN THAT SISSY PINK LEPPERD PTU OF THE WITE RAT’S AND SHE TOOK IT SUMWARE TO BE CHEKT OWT, AND THEN SHE BROT IT HOME AND HEERS THE WERST PART SHE TOOK IT BAK INTO THE FOREST WARE I GOT IT AND LET IT GO!!!!! THIS WAS THE BEST PREZINT ****EVER***** AND SHE DISREPEKTED ME BY NOT MAKING IT GO DED AND EETIN IT WITH HER LUCKY CHARMS WICH I LIKE TOO CUZ THEY HAVE MANY COLORS MAX, SHOOD I RUN AWAY FRUM HOME??? I’M OBVIUSSLY NOT APPRESHEATED HEER.
YER FREND AND FELLOW PSYKO,
TRIPPER

Clearly, your Woman has not been properly educated in the dynamics of appreciation regarding feline gifts. Because of that, you can’t hold her apparent disrespect against her. I know, and you know, that you could have easily deaded that little rabbit and munched it down all for yourself, and man, who doesn’t like a good rabbit? I had some rabbit stinky goodness once, and it was quite tasty. Some people even enjoy consuming the occasional rabbit or two, though they try to keep the image out of their heads and call it stuff like “Pfeffernusse.”

I think the problem she had with your most auspicious gift is the cute factor. People, especially female people, have this thing about baby animals. They can’t get past that cute fuzzy stage and see the gastronomical possibilities. They get all “awwww” and go “=squee=” and fail to grasp what’s really in front of them.

Now, there is also the possibility that she did, in fact, love your gift but gets a giant FAIL at displaying her appreciation. Maybe when she screamed it was out of surprise for your superior hunting ability and the wonder that you would gift her, a lowly human, with such wonder. And maybe she took it to the stabby place to make sure it was properly de-cootified prior to consumption—that’s important for people. They have these fragile stomachs and have to have food that is Just So or else they get all barfy. And there’s a really good chance that when she got home with it that she let it go because the stabby guy told her that it wasn’t quite big enough to eat yet.

It’s obvious, she knows you have incredible rabbit catching skills, so she probably assumes that you’ll get it again in a few months when it’s bigger and would be more than a rabbit-nugget. Dood! Then she’ll share it with you!

I think you should probably stay put. Your Woman does appreciate you, but she has all those people things working against her and hasn’t developed the manners necessary to show you. Plus, staying there gives you the chance to up the ante, so to speak. She didn’t show appreciation for the baby rabbit? Well, dood, that means that now you need to bring home something new. Something slimy.

Bring her a bull frog. A live, undeaded, croaky, stinky bullfrog. And make sure you drop it somewhere she can’t easily get to with the BBQ tongs. It will be great fun for you. Trust me on this.

Should I be insulted that my cat insist on cleaning himself after I give him a tummy rub and chin scritches?

No…just start bathing yourself more regularly. You’re getting your nasty people funk all over him, and he’s too polite to yak on you when you get too close.

Max, I don’t like shrimp. Is there something wrong with me?

Yes. There’s something VERY wrong with you! It’s shrimp!!! However, don’t worry about it, because the less real live fresh dead shrimp you consume, there more there is for me.

In fact…send it to me. I’m kinda hungry now…

5 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: A Gift Unappreciated

  1. Max, this mite be more of a leegul qweschun than a CATiquette qweschun, but heer goze.

    I’m a sensitive, creative sole hoo is vary expressive. I like to sing opera, and I love the sound of my own voice. I also think my peepul are haff deff. Cuz win I skreem at the frunt door for them to let me in, sumtimes it takes LONGER THAN A MINIT for them to open the door for me. Of korse, this is unakseptubul. But I’ve discoverd that the lowder I skreem, the faster they come to open the door.

    But my ladey keeps saying “MAO SHUT YER PIEHOLE evry time she opens the door for me. And she sez it inside win I’m singing a poinyunt aria. Or win I’m just trying to make them aware that that stoopid psyko cat Tripper is gitting his stink all over the place. I think it’s rood for her to always be saying Mao shut yer piehole.

    I think this violates my ferst ammendmunt rites or sumthin’. How do I git the soopreeme kort to heer my case? Or shood I just call PETA? I shur as hek won’t be abul to teech her abowt manners cuz she’s lame.

  2. Thowz iz sum komplikaytid kweschunz Max an you did give rill good avice as ushewal. You iz such a wize kitteh *purrrr*

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