hey max. how do i stop my kitty from bugging me for a treat at 6 am in the morning?
Get up at 5 a.m. and feed him. Problem solved.
Max-My Peoples watch zombie movies all the time and it makes me a-scared. If my peoples get eated into zombies, who will open the cat food cans?
Well…really…if they turn into zombies, you won’t have to worry about cans. Zombies are pretty slow, so all you have to do is trip them up and make sure they fall hard enough that their heads fall off. When that happens, they’re not going anywhere…and you’ll have a giant people-sized ready made meal. Real dead fresh dead zombie! It’ll last a LONG time, and if you have more than one person, you’ll be eating for YEARS.
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Dear Max, I’m a 9 year old girl tuxie and I look a lot like you. I don’t have a boyfriend kitty and I’m starting to think I never will. I want to get married and have kitties and everything! I know there’s nothing wrong with me because I was fixed when I was very young, so why aren’t the boy cats coming around to woo me?
Um. Well. The whole getting fixed thing…it wasn’t because you were broken. Your people kinda wanted to avoid the whole having kittens thing. It SOUNDS mean, but they just didn’t want you to be saddled with the responsibility of having 62 babies and no job to support them. They meant well.
And I tell you what…you’re just fine being a single girl kitty. I mean, look at the bigger picture. We men, we waltz in and it’s all bow-chikka-bow-wow for a good 5 minutes, and then where are we? Out having fun with the boys while you’re stuck with the litter. Sometimes we don’t even come back! You women rock the world, and you don’t need some thoughtless tomcat coming around for kicks and then walking away. Embrace the single life! Take up a hobby, like decorative hairballs or sofa shredding, and be glad you’re not stuck with some unemployed boy tabby who does nothing but wander the streets at night looking for trouble and free tuna.
Max Max Max Max Max! WE’RE DOING THE M-WORD ALL THE WAY TO ANOTHER COUNTRY! We’re going to have to spend HOURS AND HOURS in crates and we’re going to FLY! I don’t want to m-word but I want to fly. So, how do I convince them to let me out of the crate so I can fly the plane?
Dood, I couldn’t even figure out how to get out while driving across the country, and I didn’t even want to drive the car. I spent hours hollering and slamming my body against the sides of the box they stuck me in…wait, that actually worked. After like 5 hours they let me out and I got to ride while curled up at the Woman’s feet.
So I suppose you just need to drive the people batchit crazy until they cave and let you out. Surely if they let you out, they’ll let you fly the plane.
No reason not to, right?
Hey Max I am five and I am going to be six and my boy is also five and going to be six. He gets to go to school after summer. Do I get to go, too?
Um. You might want to have a word with Skeezix about that…
Hay, Max! How do you kill the toy-sukker-upper masheen, espeshully win yer scairt of it?
So um Max, you just won a book by Jackson Galaxy and it will have his stink all over it. Don’t you think he should get a pawtographed book by you too? And shouldn’t he have to beg for it? I mean really.
Max we bow to your wisdom!
While you’re bowing, can you get that nip toy off the floor for me? I’d do it, but bending is, like, exercise and all…
Wow Max! You handled that whole thing about being a single girl cat pretty well. Not all boy cats get the thing about being fixed…some of you guys are a bit huffy because it happened to you too…but you are totally understanding…you have worldly ways Max
I have time to be worldly since I got robbed of my manhood and can only sit and observe… But, thank you!
When are you coming out with your next book Max? And why hasn’t your human gotten on it already?
People stuff came up, and I can’t even complain because it’s been sensitive and important people stuff that’s probably not going to end well. And the Man took time off from passing gas, which cut into our writing time. And then the Woman got a cold. But we’re “pondering” and should be gearing up to start writing fairly soon. Really. I mean it this time.