Ask Max Monday: Bolt It Down, Like, Right Now…

Ask Max Monday

Do you have any tips for how to train dogs not to be so annoying to cats?

Honestly, dood, the dog I lived with was already trained when I arrived home. It was a huge surprise a few years later to meet That Damned Dog Butters and discover that all dogs are not like Hank, and that they can be ten kinds of barky and bitey. You could try what I did: pee on anything they leave in your house.

I mean, it must have worked, because he stopped coming over.

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Dude, what we all want to know in this palace, is what will be on your TV schedule this coming Christmas? And what will you be doing to keep entertained between times, games and the like?

There’s a very good chance that we’ll be engaged in a marathon of last season’s Doctor Who, pregaming for the new season that starts on New Year’s Day. Other than that, I’m not sure. Hopefully there’ll be a lot of food and naps. Those are my two favorite things. Eating and sleeping.

In fact, no matter what the people do, I’m going to eat and sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. That sounds like an awesome day.

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Max- my bro, Mr Fluffenpuss, told me that Jewish cats get 8 prezints at krissmas. So how do I go about converting?

I think you’re limited to whatever religion your people observe, at least in terms of how many gifts you get, so converting for that reason probably wouldn’t work. But really, isn’t it quality over quantity? I mean, you might wind up with 8 newby kitties to deal with instead of one or two awesome nip bananas or a giant jug of crunchy treats. Think about it. You could wind up with a litter of Buddah Pests.

Dood, no one wants that.

Personally, I would rather the eight gifts go to the sticky people whose faith celebrates Chanukah, so they can learn about why they get eight and the meaning of the holiday. Those of us who celebrate Christmas and are short and furry have all the scrunched-up balls of wrapping paper to chase, and happy people to enjoy…that totally balances things for me. There’s nothing else like getting empty boxes to play in, and having wads of wrapping paper tossed around just so the kitty can play.

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Dear Max, what has happened this year? First, we lose Grumpy Cat and now Lil’ Bub. Is something sinister going on? Steve L.

Nothing sinister, it’s just the circle of life. It sucks, but cats have something in common with people: some get far more many years than others. And the short years those two had were packed with some incredible things, and they did more good that most get the chance to do in fifty years of adult living. Their public personas, their appearances, their memes and online antic, brought so much awareness to pets with physical differences, and made people fall in love with them. In turn, people sought out pets with special needs and adopted them—pets that otherwise would have been euthanized.

They saved many, many lives.

I was heartbroken with each of their passings but I am so, so grateful they were here for the short time they were given, especially for all the good they left behind.

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Max! It’s Cyrus again! There’s a tree in my house! Can I climb it?

Well, little dood, you CAN, but that doesn’t mean that you SHOULD. People get 23 kinds of excited when the kitty climbs the Christmas tree, and it’s not always a good excited.

If you decide to try it—and I know you will because you’re still exploring life—be very careful, try not to pull any ornaments off, don’t bite any wires, and be sure you look exceptionally adorable. If you can do that, your people will take cute pictures of you before they make you get off the tree.


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Got a question? Drop me a line at or leave it in the comments here.

4 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: Bolt It Down, Like, Right Now…

  1. Hey Max, the people put this nice big tree in our house, but it’s not a good climbing tree (believe me, I tried) and they put all the shiny sparkle balls up high where I can barely reach ’em. Are people stupid, or what?

  2. Hi Max, Gracie’s mahm here. I have a question myself. I’m having surgery next month that will make it very painful to have Gracie’s “A.M. Interpretive Dance and Stomple Routine” applied to my boob-ular/stomach-al and general front-ly areas. As much as I don’t mind being pulverized into proper biscuit dough and headbutted into next Tuesday all to the sound of her loudest purring, I need her to understand that this will not be an option for a few weeks. Especially as Gracie has joined the Brick House Club. She’s letting it all hang out.

    Gracie has very definite ideas about this ritual — performed daily from 5:29 to 5:37 every morning. Also, I must pet her ears during this, accept stray whiskers in my nostrils, and compliment her eternal beauty. This is price of being her mahm.

    Do you or your readers have any ideas to … uh … distract her when I’m not able to bear four paws under 1,000 lbs/sq inch pressure? I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I also don’t want to hurt my feelings.

    Gracie’s Mahm

  3. Your answers are spot on as usual, and i second bolting the tree down.

    My question is, is there any way to make fresh laundry unattractive to cats? We had limited success using a detergent that had a really strong perfumy smell, but it was too much for me so i had to go back to the one we’d been using.

  4. Max, once again, you prove yourself to be all kinds of wise!
    By the way, I caught a few seconds of an old “Dr. Who” and the dude had a huge brush of hair and the weirdest outfit made of dozens of different colors. Man, that was weird…

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