Ask Max Monday: Confused Kitty

Dood, I’s jst a kitten and I live with 2 other cats and a woofy. I luvs them all and they luvs me but I luvs the Giant Dad Thingy the most and I luv to sleep on his face. The Giant Mom Thingy says No No No, his face is mine and she makes me sleep on the bed next to his head. She makes the other cats sleep on his feet. The woofy has to sleep on the floor. This is all very prelpex perlex confuzing to me. So my question is, why don’t I know what real live fresh dead shrimp is?

Oh, man, little doood, I am so sorry. Truly. It is quite obvious that you live in a house staffed with defective people. If they were adequate, you would sleep where you are most comfortable—your Dad Thingy can hold his breath—and you would know exactly what Real Live Fresh Dead Shrimp is.

The answer is clear. You must jump on the table while they are having dinner, march up to the Dominate Person’s plate (this is probably the Mom Thingy) and DEMAND some Real Live Fresh Dead Shimp RIGHT NOW. Cut into tiny pieces for your tiny kitten mouth. You can make sure she understands you by placing your front paws right onto her plate and meowing pitifully.

Trust me. This works.

My human scheduled my annual physical. May I hide at your house?

Yes, of course. You can hide in the man cat cave. It stinks a little because the Man drops his dirty clothes in there, but you get used to that pretty quick. The only problem might be use of the litter box, but if you’re good at holding it, you can sneak into the laundry room and use it at night when the Woman is asleep. That’s when you can sneak out to eat, too.

Why are moms crazier than dads?

Because they have to live with men…

Max, this mite be more of a leegul qweschun than a CATiquette qweschun, but heer goze.

I’m a sensitive, creative sole hoo is vary expressive. I like to sing opera, and I love the sound of my own voice. I also think my peepul are haff deff. Cuz win I skreem at the frunt door for them to let me in, sumtimes it takes LONGER THAN A MINIT for them to open the door for me. Of korse, this is unakseptubul. But I’ve discoverd that the lowder I skreem, the faster they come to open the door.

But my ladey keeps saying “MAO SHUT YER PIEHOLE evry time she opens the door for me. And she sez it inside win I’m singing a poinyunt aria. Or win I’m just trying to make them aware that that stoopid psyko cat Tripper is gitting his stink all over the place. I think it’s rood for her to always be saying Mao shut yer piehole.

I think this violates my ferst ammendmunt rites or sumthin’. How do I git the soopreeme kort to heer my case? Or shood I just call PETA? I shur as hek won’t be abul to teech her abowt manners cuz she’s lame.

Well…here’s the problem. As I understand the constitution she has the Right to Free Speech, which means she can say rude things like “Shut yer piehole.” That means the Supreme Court (which is TOTALLY biased towards people) won’t hear your most worthy case. And PETA? People Eating Tasty Animals? I don’t think they’ll be much help. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Here’s the thing… not only is your Woman wrong about your beautiful singing voice, she’s got some issues about basic anatomy. Piehole? Really? Has she ever ONCE seen you eat a pie? Not just a lick which we’re all entitled to, but a real piece of pie? Clearly, she did not take 9th grade biology. Since she can’t even get that right, I believe you are within your rights to—the next time she tells you to shut it—turn around, present your glorious backside, and then poop on her shoes.

While she’s wearing them.

3 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: Confused Kitty

  1. I think a cat should be able to sleep wherever he wants to. If that happens to be on the man’s face, well, so be it!


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