Ask Max Monday: Cooties. Cooties Everywhere.

Ask Max Monday

Hi, Max,

This is Spider and Gracie’s human. Our cool summer has turned hot here, and these girls are horkin’ up furballs right and left and mainly next to the bed. Despite my best efforts at auxiliary grooming, the hairball fest continues, mainly because both of the ladies hate all pet brushes with a passion. I’ve tried those glove brushes and soft brushes and the cats are like “I like you, hooman, but I will claw yer face off if you uze dat fing on me!” You seem like a fluffy guy. Do you have a favorite brush thingie that your human uses on you. (And yes, I’m aware they will read this. I’ll be sleeping with one eye open next Monday.)
Yours truly, Spider and Gracie’s Human

My people, too, understand the I’ll claw your face off look…because I refuse to be brushed. I don’t have long fur, there’s no need. I don’t enjoy it, so there’s no point. My people just have to put up with the horking up of hairballs and be careful to not step in it. They know what will happen if they insist; they know better than to push it.

Just buy a lot of paper towels and if necessary, carpet cleaner. I highly recommend the Spot Bot. It cleans the hairy splatters up quite nicely.

fank Max! we gots another question. how contig…contogi…catchy are the sneezes? cause not only Uncle Tommy gots them (though the foster mom lady is taking him to the stabby place) but a couple of us foster kittens gots them too. are we ALL gonna gets them?? cause…ewwww

fanks – the foster kittens of Random Felines

They’re pretty catchy. Those sneezy cooties are what Buddah gave to me right after the people brought him home. Chances are most of you will get it. Sorry. But on the bright side, Buddah sneezed out 6 inch long boogers—for reals—and that was pretty awesome. If you have to get the cooties, maybe something fun will come from it. Boogers like that really gross people out, so that’s always fun.

Deer Max – how do I once and for all tell the mom to leave mine eye boogers alone? They are not hurting anyone and I hate to have her dirty smelly fingers near mine eyes. Biting her only makes her mad and then I get punished by not getting dinner from her plate. Also, isn’t it true that if a kitty puts his paws on the humans food, that food is his? The mom seems to think that the food belongs to the garbage can.

If she punishes you for biting, just growl really loud. Maybe hiss and spit. And fluff yourself up really big, like you’re a fierce, hungry tiger out for blood. She leave those eye boogers alone. Granted, it will be because she’s laughing her asterisk off at you, but your main purpose will be served.

And the food on a person’s plate is totally yours if you can get a paw on it. Heck, even if it’s on their FORK, you get a paw on it and it’s yours. Go ahead and give that a try. Swipe that meat right off her fork. It will result in nothing but fun times. Swearsies.

Dear Max:

I’m a former wild one (feral) that has been enjoying life as a spoiled house cat for about 9 months. I recently started doing something my mom thinks is weird and messy. I get a big bite of food from my bowl and move it across the kitchen to eat it. I have my own bowl, and I have no problem shoving my big brother out of the way if I decide I want his. It’s not a new bowl, either. Why do you think I might have developed this habit? I’m around 3 years old, by the way. Thanks for the advice.

Love, Samantha

There could be a lot of reasons you do this. Since it’s not a new bowl, maybe you do it because it’s an old one and you can smell old things in it. Or your water might be too close to where you eat, and cats instinctively don’t want to eat near their source of water. Or you’re just really smart and wanted a way to drive your people bananas. That’s what I would do. Anything to drive them bat crap crazy. Heh.

Dear Max:

I told the gurlcat that Mom really likes it when we watch over the house from the top of the kitchen cabinets. Also, if we scrunch down real low, nobody can see us up there (good for hiding & staking out). So, she tried it, and she’s not real graceful, and when she jumped down, she knocked off a plate & broke it into lots of pieces. Mom got mad & sent her to time out. BAHAHAHAHA! Isn’t that funny? But I’m a little worried Mom might have discovered I had something to do with it. She said she was sending you pictures. What should I do?



Meh. YOU didn’t break the plate. Sure, you told the girl kitty that the top of the cabinets was primo real estate—and it’s true, I remember that from when we could still get up there—but you didn’t force her up there, and you didn’t put the plate there. This one’s not on you. It’s on the kitty that did the breaking, and the person who put a breakable where a kitty is likely to go.

2 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: Cooties. Cooties Everywhere.

  1. Hi there Max
    In a few weeks I’m going to turn one year old. My fur sister, Emily, says that this will make me officially not a kitten any more, she says that it’s time for me to “grow up, and calm down”, and “stop being such a little hell bat”. This doesn’t sound like any fun at all, I LOVE to run around and play, ALL the ttime. Why should I have to stop just because of a date on the calendar?? It’s not fair. Can’t I just stay a kitten forever??
    Gunners dream

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