Ask Max Monday: French & Dog 101

Ask Max Monday

Hey Max, is “chit” on the bad werds list, or is it only there if you say it in the French way?

Mais non, mon petit ami de chat … « Chit » is a perfectly acceptable word for everyday use—it’s even a Scrabble or Words With Friends word ! It’s very flexible and can be used when you want to say a bad word but don’t want to offend anyone, just like « frak, » « fark, » « carp, » and « freak. » I love my substitute words, and anyone who doesn’t can go frakoff.

Max, is there any particular reason that I have to get my lazy furry a$$ out of bed at all? Well except to eat and pee/poop? Why does the mom have an “issue” with it?

I can’t think of a single particular reason you should have to get up if you don’t want to, other than for bodily necessities. It’s energy conservation, dood! I’m not sure why your mom has an issue with it, because people are always going on and on about conservation and energy. Maybe she’s just jealous.

Yeah, that has to be it.

She’s jealous.

Max, E’splain to me why I needed a baby sisser? I don’t fink I needed one but now I gots one. She trying to steel all the cute! She makes me make rumblie sounds in my chest and mom just wagglies her finner at me and says to stop. Eberybody else wikes her, eben the udder 4 cats. Why did this happen to me?

I wish I could explain it, but I’ve never even figured out why I ended up with Buddah. Life was just fine without him and there was no need for another kitty that I could see. And he STILL makes me growl sometimes. Tell ya what, though…your sister might be stealing all the cute right now, but that doesn’t last. She’s going to grow into a lady cat, and while she may be beautiful (and I’m sure she will be) the balance of cute will be restored.

You just have to be patient, even though that’s hard.

Oh, and whack her with your mighty paw when no one is looking. Make sure she knows who’s boss. Just don’t get caught. That upsets people, for some reason.

Hi Max,

My slave says I have to have my teeth cleaned? I’m six years old and have never had to do this before. What is it? Do I have to go to the “stabby place”?


Teeth cleaning is when the stabby guy sticks his fingers in your mouth and rubs goop all over them, and then flosses between your teeth and if you need, he brushes them and chips off any gunk. It’s wholly unpleasant, but you’ll probably be sleeping the whole time, so don’t worry about it too much. If anything, look forward to biting him. Teeth cleaning is a free pass to bite the stabby guy.

Hey Max, did you enjoy your 13th birthday and the new kitchen? Also, did you know that you can have “fun” without naughty bits? It just means you won’t have kittens. My auntie says that you just “shoot blanks”! LOL
Just askin’. Your biggest fan, O’cat

Um, I hate to tell your Auntie, but getting nootered doesn’t just mean you shoot blanks. It means the marbles are totally removed so there’s NOTHING to shoot at all. And no Man Juice runs through the blood, either, so (with some exceptions) it’s not even possible to get the, um…what’s a nice way to say this?…well, Woody isn’t just a doll. So no, there’s no fun without the fun bits. And I totally blame the people for this.

Still…my birthday was fine. There was steak. That’s probably better than bouncy bouncy happy fun times, anyway.

Max, how do I say LEAVE ME ALONE in dog so that the dog will LEAVE ME ALONE?

“Woof rrr woof!” is the preferred translation, though you’ll probably have an accent, so your best bet is to just growl and bare your claws, so that he knows you’re not someone to be trifled with. “Arf off” works sometimes, too. Be sure to follow that with a hiss. That way he knows you mean business.

3 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: French & Dog 101

  1. Hey Max!

    We loves reading your column and your books. We are hoping you can help us with our current meom-freak-out problem.

    Meom was eating some sour cream and onion chips. Now..sometimes…we get a little taste of plain chips (crumbs really, sheesh).

    Weellll…Meom walked away and Dot knocked one of the chips on the floor and jumped on it…now it’s crumbs…and we started chomping away. Meom soooooo freaked out because of the onions. She wouldn’t sleep and wouldn’t let us sleep. Something about wanting to make sure we didn’t need an emergency V-E-T visit. It was ONE CHIP for codness sake! And we SHARED!!!

    So..we seem fine…how can we talk Meom into letting us have MORE???!!! They were pretty tasty but she is being stingy *pout*

    Thanks Max!
    (PS…Dot says it was Dip who knocked the chip off…sisters! Sheesh!)

  2. Hey Max, that Deztinee High looks pretty hot. How do I know when it’s time to git a gerlfrend, and how do I go about it? I’ve gone owt in owr nayberhood lookin fer gerlcats and haven’t fownd any. Also, someone stole my grapes abowt a yeer ago. Duz that meen I can’t have a gerlfrend? (Pleeze respond qwikly cuz I’m having da urjes.)

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