Ask Max Monday: I’m Late and It’s All The Woman’s Fault

Ask Max Monday

Deer Max, I hope yoo can help me. The peeple have started taking me to the stabby place ware they kut off all my toenales… just win I git them good and sharp. I thot I had it all werked out that win the peeple got thoze mannykyoor sizzers out, I wood hiss and skratch and bite and they wood stop after like one nale. But at the stabby place they can kut off all my nales. And it smells funny thare. How can I pawsibly keep my nales sharp?

Hm. Perhaps a new tactic is required. Since scratching and hissing didn’t work, take a page from the Rulebook of Buddah: when all else fails, howl like you’re in need of psychotic medications. This freaks our people out to the point where they back the fark up and leave him alone; if you freak yours out, they’ll forgo the clipping to preserve their skin.

Now, they still might try taking you to the stabby place, but the same thing will work there, especially if you take a page from MY rulebook: poop on everyone and everything. If you’re screaming like a banshee and erupting vile, foul smelling poop like a nether-region volcano, trust me…they’ll leave you alone. You might even get a nice red stamp on your Stabby Guy Report Card. It says MUST SEDATE. That means “Don’t bring him back.”

Dear Max,

A couple of weeks ago the mom went out on our balcony and then started dancing around and screaming. She came running back in and some flying bugs came with her. She was smacking them with a book and wouldn’t let me eat them. She said they were bees and I could end up at the stabby place. I say they appeared to be good eats. What’s up with not letting me catch and eat the flying bugs? Bet I could have caught them faster than her whacking them with the book.

Thanks – Daiquiri from Random Felines

Man, she really did you a favor. Bees look all juicy and in your head you’re thinking “Hey, bees make honey, so I bet they taste sweet” but the reality? THEY HAVE STABBY THINGS IN THEIR BUTTS! I chit you not! If you eat a bee, it will stab you in the mouth and then pee where it stabbed, and the worst part? Their pee is like acid and it makes you swell up and hurt for about 62 sleeps. Totally not worth it.

Dear Max
I’m having a small problem.
That hellbat of of a furbrother of mine is jumping on me while I’m in the litter box!!!! I’m sure you understand, a lady needs a little privacy whilst she does her business, and I’m finding the constant interruptions very distracting and upsetting. Every time I need a little “alone time” he’s there laying in wait, guarding the box, I move to one of the other boxes ( we have five) and he follows me!
He doesn’t bother my other two brothers, only me. I’ve given him a few good thumps around the ear, and the human has sprayed him with the water bottle, all to no avail. I’m sure he thinks it’s all some sort of game.
Why is he tormenting me?? We play together very nicely, and even snuggle down and nap together, yet whenever I need to poop he just won’t leave me alone. Any insight you, or your many readers could give would be great.
Many thanks
See Emily play

He’s doing it because he knows it ticks you off. Brothers are like that, they get really annoying and the only reason is because they can. If I were you, I’d make sure I’m aimed a little better and sprayed him with a really ripe poop. It shouldn’t take more than twice for him to get the message.

If it takes more than that…he may have lost a brain cell or two in the Great Nip War of ’14. That was a heck of a war and a lot of kitties were permanently scarred by it. I mean we won, but it wasn’t until the dragons evaporated when the high priestess of Niponia sprayed them with vinegar, and we all smelled it for, like, a month.

Oh. Wait. I think that might have just been one of my Silver Vine dreams.

Yeah. If spraying him doesn’t work, you’re just screwed.

Doods…sorry I’m late today. The Woman spent the weekend with the Damned Dog Butters and his sister Lady, and she took the laptop with her I think because I couldn’t find it anywhere. She came home tonight, smelling like dog and despair, so I jumped in her lap and let her know what I thought about the whole thing. I bit her on the chin. That’s right. I bit her. Not hard, not enough to break the skin, just enough that I bet she learned her lesson.

5 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: I’m Late and It’s All The Woman’s Fault

  1. Thanks fur the info on beeez. Who woulda thought? Kind of like the stink bugs we get her in PA sometimes. This year was ok but 2014 was like the war of the stink bugs. We got Einstein to go and eat one! MOL! Shoulda seen that boyz face. He gives them a wide berth now
    Purrs
    Timmy

  2. thanks for the advice on the bees Max. mom hired some guy to come over and dress up in a funny suit with a weird hat on who took the plant and the pot and the bees with him when he left. alas – no more flying bugs.

  3. Why can’t a guy just walk up to a woman and whisper sweet nothings in her ear in the middle of the night? I thought it was romantical, you know, whispering things about the litterbox being full, or the foods dish being empty, or the but of that orinch meniss stinks and he won’t get it out of my face. But she says I’m just making noise like an injured cow in her face at 3am. That’s insulting! I can’t help how I meow and that hurts my feelings. At least I’m not screaming like a girl in a horror movie being chased by some guy in a hockey mask with a knife or chain saw or something. Also I sometimes lick the inside of her nose. And here I thought that whispers and kisses were something nice. And how does she respond? She either yells at me or grabs me, wraps her arms around me, throws me down on my side and tries to roll on top of me and smother me. When she goes to sleep and starts snorking and stuff I can escape. But why does she reject my romantic advances?

  4. Max, its Aspen, my Moms friend threw her cat outside and stopped feeding her! Shocking! Moms friend says she can’t afford cat food. Furr right now, Moms bought her friend Cat Food! Moms and I are very afraid furr this kitty. She is spayed. She is a nice kitty. Buts, our space is so limited, I know Moms will find a better home furr this kitty, it might need to come here and go to the Stabby guy! I am scared furr cats out there this happens to! Moms would never do this because she says God told humans to care furr his created animals, including cats!

  5. MAX THAT LITTLE KROSSEYED KAT IS ALWAYZ STIKKING HIS BUTT IN MY FACE AND TRYING TO GIT LIKS FRUM ME SO I LIK HIM GOOD AND I APPREESHEATE THE OPPURRTOONITY TO SNIF HIS BUTT BUT HE NEVER LIKS ME BAK. KAN YOO TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO REESIPROKATE? HE WON’T LISSEN TO ME.

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