Dear blog owner,
I just HAPPENED to run across your blog and I think it’s OH SO NEAT and I wanted to write to you and heap tons of FAKE PRAISE on it so that I can convince you to write me back and confirm that this is a real email address. I’m going to do this by acting like I want to guest post on your VERY AWESOME BLOG about [insert animal] and I have a list of topics already prepared and ready to go! I just know you’re going to love my VERY GENERIC AND ILL-CONCEIVED articles, and in turn for having a guest post slot on WHATEVER THE HECK YOUR BLOG IS ACTUALLY TITLED I’ll give you TONS of exposure by mentioning THIS SPIFFY BLOG THINGY to my TENS of followers online! Just write me back, okay? We’ll become besties in nothing flat, all because I was we surfing and just happened to stumble upon WELL YOU KNOW THE NAME OF YOUR OWN BLOG, RIGHT?
Random Internet Stranger
Dood. Mr. and/or Ms. RIS. Look, I just work here. If you had actually stumbled upon this amazing e-zine, and had bothered to do your due diligence, you would understand that I am merely a columnist. This isn’t my blog. I just work here. And even if it was my blog, do you really think that I am so dense as to not see past the VERY GENERIC EMAILS I get 100 times a week asking me to guest post here, when the proposed topics have nothing to do with cats?
I’mma gonna lay it out for you: no, no you cannot send me a post to run about erectile dysfunction, building a better wall, saving the whales, how to train a dragon, getting rid of hiccups and hemorrhoids with the same spiffy cream, genital acne, how to become a professional dog sitter, and my personal favorite, the care and training of half bred white racists.
It’s true, I never answer your emails. I relegate them to the circular file. But hey, clearly you’re reading, so here ya go. Given that you bombard me relentlessly, which means I have to wade through your krap to find the real emails from real readers, I offer you this, Buddah’s opinion of the constant headache you’re heaping upon me:
Was that sarcasm? Do I sense sarcasm?
What, me? Sarcastic? Noooo…
Hey Max, does this mean you don’t want non-questions at that email?
Dood…the ask max monday email is for ask max monday questions. Only.
Oh. That sounds mean and rude and I don’t mean it to be.
Please, doods, limit the use of it for questions for this column. I ALMOST posted what turned out to be a private email, intended for me only, because it went to the ask max email. That would have been super embarrassing all the way around.
Dood, are you talking to yourself again this weekend?
No. Well, maybe a little bit. But it was seriously frustrating to wade through over a hundred emails only to discover that none of them were questions, and 99% were generic requests for guest posts. And this happens a lot.
It felt good to vent, tho… I got that going for me.
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