Ask Max Monday: My Cat Is Bonkers

Mousebreath officially launches on June 1st, but you’re welcome to poke around during our testing period!


Ask Max Monday

Max, explain to me, please, why my cat goes completely bonkers just before it’s time to have breakfast. He runs around like his butt is on fire, eats, and then plops down and goes to sleep. He knows I’m going to feed him, so why is he freaking out?

Ah, but you misunderstand. He’s not freaking out…he’s hunting. For reals. What he’s doing is classic hunt-kill-eat-sleep. Since he doesn’t get to go outside and hunt his own food down, he feels compelled to create the scenario: his brain knows that at X-o’clock it’s time to eat, so just before that he “hunts” in the only way he can—going a little batchit crazy all over the house. He chases his invisible prey up and down the halls, and just before you put the food down I bet he “kills” something, even if it’s just to pounce on a dust mote.

Once he’s consumed his kill, he’s a tired kitty and needs to groom a little, and then take a nap. You should understand this…you’re tired after hard work, too, right? So’s he. Sure, you opened the can, but all that running around, that’s his hard work in hunting. Praise him for it. Because really, he could always find something creepy crawly to kill, and being the good kitty he is, he’d bring you half and expect you to eat it.

Does your man ever gas the woman?

Heh. Hehehehe. Dood, he gasses EVERYONE. I mean, it’s impressive, but it’s also a little gross. But the funniest thing is when he traps it under a blanket and she’s there all cuddly while they watch some TV together, and then he lifts the blanket. Dood! You should see her! I didn’t know a person could turn that many different shades of green!

Max, I know your people like rumbly bikes. My people do too. I am worried because I heard one of them talking about getting me a special PTU and taking me for a ride. Is this a bad idea? It feels like a bad idea. Help!

It is a VERY bad idea. Show them this:

DO NOT TAKE THE KITTY ON THE RUMBLY BIKE!!! NEVER EVER EVER!

Look, I get the appeal for people; they like doing stupid things for the heck of it. I like doing some things that might not be the best ideas just for the heck of it, too, like nomming on the People while they sleep. That can result in a kitty getting launched off the bed. But a kitty on a bike?
Yeah, I know, they see kitties and dogs on TV that are riding a bike. That doesn’t mean it’s a bright thing to do. First, those bikes are LOUD and for most cats, the noise is terrifying. Even if the kitty is in a good PTU, the sheer terror can give them a heart attack. It WON’T be fun for the cat, and if it’s not fun, what’s the point?

But most important…what if something happens? There’s nothing to protect the kitty if there’s an accident. It’s not like a car where there’s some reasonable protection. It’s a rumbly bike. If it goes down, so does the kitty. People can make that choice for themselves, and they can wear special clothes that don’t tear easy with armor in them to protect bones, and a special helmet to protect their gooshy brains…all the kitty has is the PTU, and that sucker will crack open like an egg if launched off a bike.

You guys know the Woman once had an accident on her rumbly bike, right? It was at a really low speed, like 25 mph, but she hit the ground hard. She hurt all over for days, and her helmet? Holy carp, it was all scraped up. That would have been her face. She was ok because she wore the special clothes, but there are no special clothes for kitties on bikes.

So. Yeah. NEVER TAKE THE CAT FOR A RIDE.

If they suggest it again…oh yeah, treat their favorite shirt to a toothy death, lick their teethybrush, poop upon their pillow, and then use their helmet for a litter box.

Seriously, people, please don’t try to take a cat for a ride.

Max, why don’t you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend?

How could I limit the awesomeness of me to just one other kitty? That would hardly be fair. Plus…I’m kinda useless since the people had my fun bits removed. It’s just easier to be friends with everyone than it is to make someone unhappy because I’ve hooked up with just one other kitty. I’m considerate like that.

5 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: My Cat Is Bonkers

  1. HAY MAX I’VE GOT AN IMPORTUNT QWESCHUN CUZ MY LADEY IS DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!! YESTERDAY I BROT HER A TINY BABEH WABBIT AND I BROT IT INTO THE HOUSE AND I EVEN MADE SHUR I DIDN’T MAKE IT GO DED CUZ THAT’S THE BEST PART AND WIN MY LADY SAW ME WITH THE BABEH WABBIT IN MY MOWTH SHE SKREEMED AND THE BABEH WABBIT RAN INTO A KORNER AND SHE HAD TO GET IT OUT WITH BARBY KYOO TONGS AND THEN SHE SED OMIGOD IT’S A BABEH WABBIT!!!!! AND SHE PUT IT IN THAT SISSY PINK LEPPERD PTU OF THE WITE RAT’S AND SHE TOOK IT SUMWARE TO BE CHEKT OWT, AND THEN SHE BROT IT HOME AND HEERS THE WERST PART SHE TOOK IT BAK INTO THE FOREST WARE I GOT IT AND LET IT GO!!!!! THIS WAS THE BEST PREZINT ****EVER***** AND SHE DISREPEKTED ME BY NOT MAKING IT GO DED AND EETIN IT WITH HER LUCKY CHARMS WICH I LIKE TOO CUZ THEY HAVE MANY COLORS MAX, SHOOD I RUN AWAY FRUM HOME??? I’M OBVIUSSLY NOT APPRESHEATED HEER.

    YER FREND AND FELLOW PSYKO,
    TRIPPER

  2. My human doesn’t understand why I go all apechit sometimes. Gotta tell you, going to the litter box liberates me in ways she will just never understand. But sometimes the noises she makes when using her giant litter box, she may get it without knowing it, ya know?

  3. HAHA! Yer dad gives the woman a Dutch Oven!!!! Mr TF duz that all the time and the FL yells “NO WAFTING!!!” whutever that meens. I leeve after that cuz it smellz like rottin eggs.

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