Ask Max Monday: No Jamming of the Junk

Ask Max Monday

HAY MAX I LIKE HANGING OUT ON MY LADY’S MOMMYBAGS CUZ THARE NICE AND KOOSHY, BUT WIN I KLIME UP THERE WIN SHE’S IN BED SHE’S ALL “I CAN’T BREETHE! MOOOVE!” AND THEN I HAVE TO GO DOWN AND SIT BY HER FEET AND THEN I CAN’T BREETHE CUZ OF THE STINK. IT’S JUST NOT AN AN AKSEPTIBLE SICHUAYSHUN. DON’T YOO AGREE?

I totally agree with you. I have smelled the foulness of a person’s feet, and it’s like being near a fleshy pink skunk. You know, one that lost all its furs, not one that’s rolled in some hair dye. It’s all weirdly fleshy and bony and has this one humongous fart that it wears like a cloak. No kitty should be subjected to that.

But your lady’s objection to curling up on her? Dood, if you weren’t meant to do that, then they wouldn’t look like pillows. If she can’t breathe, then she needs to work on building her pectoral muscles so that they’re stronger. Then she’ll be able to breathe just fine, AND she’ll be able to gently lull you to sleep.

Go ahead and sleep on them. You’re forcing her to work those muscles, and dood, that means you’re doing her a favor.

…on behalf of all kittehs everywhere, would you tolerate this humiliation? What’s a dignified feline to do?

catpack

Me? Ah hellz no. For one, that position probably jams up the poor kitty’s fun bits. For another thing, it forces a kitty to look where a person has been and not where they’re going.

Now, if that were hanging from the front, I MIGHT think better of it, but it still looks awfully uncomfortable. It would be better if the whole thing was designed for a kitty to ride in and see out of, but also had like mesh walls to protect him.

Dang…I’m going to shut up now and get to work on something to patent…

Thanks a lot, Max. My mom saw that you went to the V-E-T and said that if you could do it, I could do it, and she made me go. The guy shoved a stick up my butt and he stuck his fingers in my mouth but I’m shaky on what order that was in. I was tortured and I blame you. She never would have taken me if you hadn’t survived it.

Hahahahaha. You’re welcome.

Dear Max,

This week it rained, and then I saw a rainbow when it was done. Where do rainbows come from?

Banzai Nichols’ butt, apparently.

6 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: No Jamming of the Junk

  1. Deer Max, It haz not bin a gud week. Ferst of all, the fat lard cat is hogging the mommybags, wich meens I have to wate in line to make biskits on them. Sekund of all, londry day is my faverite day cuz I like to play under the kleen sheets, but it only happens wunse a week IF I’M LUKKY. I thot maybe if I start peein’ or poopin’ on the sheets, londry day will come more offen. But I don’t wunt them to think I’m sik and take me to the stabby place. How can I make them think it’s that fat lard cat krapping on the sheets? I want to have a gud plan in place beefore I start.

  2. Deer Max – what does “it’s a snack, not a meal” mean? If I’m eating, it’s a meal right? Which means that if you give the kitty something yummy like bacon or french toast then you should give the kitty an appropriate amount and not just a stinkin little bite. right?

  3. Max,
    I have a kitty who knows how to open windows. He’ll open them and sit right on the windowsil, or just stick his head out. Then he’ll wander off inside the house (and maybe open another window.) He never actually goes outside, but he lets mosquitos and other bugs in, and he doesn’t close the windows because you need thumbs for that. I also worry that his sisters will get out using the windows he opened. What should I do?

    1. P.S. I tried child locks. He broke those. And he cries and gets all kinds of sad and upset if he can’t open the windows.

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