Ask Max Monday: We’ll Take Toothy Death For $100, Alex…

Ask Max Monday

Sound advice, as always, Max. What would kitties ever do without you?

They’d have to Google a lot, which means they would get more fur stuck in the keys of the computer, which means people would be upset a lot more…I have to live to, like, 100 just to keep peace throughout 4,321,593 households.

Max, what should I do if the hoomin comes home smelling like real live fresh dead shrimps but does not bring any home to share??
-Norkin

Wow, that is so unfair. When that happens, you should find something they love and treat it to a toothy death. But first, be sure they actually ate it and didn’t just get shrimp guts spilled on them. Make your person sit down, jump on their lap, and shove your head in their mouth to get a really good whiff of the contents of their stomach. If you smell shrimp, they’re guilt, and you’re within your rights to immediately inflict a toothy punishment.

Max! Max! Max!
I is not allowed on the windowsill any more! Oh noes! Hoomin sez is becuz I eats the leafs of the chili plant (leafs do not make fires shoot out of your butt) and I already eated one to death.
The cac-tie are still there. And now there is venus fly trap and sun-dews that eats bugs. So now I am all kinds of upset becuz I lost my windowsill and I has to share my bugs!
I is so angry. I think. Hoomin sez I can go owt on windowsill again if there is a way to make me not eat leafs. Do you has any ideas Max? I wants to soak up suns and scare birdies again.
-Tino

Knock all that crap off the window sill. Kitties take priority over plants. That sill is your territory, so reclaim it. If she really wants her plants, she can get a shelf to hang halfway up the window and they can live on that. Take back the sill, dood. For the sake of every kitty everywhere, TAKE BACK THAT SILL.

MAX! HALP! Thares a mini-me in the house and I don’t like it one bit. Shood I see if he tastes like chikken?

Oh, definitely. It might take more than one taste to be sure. Like, a bit from near the head, and bite near the belly, and one near his haunches. Get right on that, and then report back. I’ve always wondered about Buddah but have never bothered to sample. If all goes well for you, I might have to try.

Hi Max,
Sadly my sisfur Macey never came home. The shabby lady said she had cancer and there was nothing they could do as it was aggressive and all over her tummy. Mommy is very sad but luckily she still has the Bella kitty to cheer her up. She was only eight and Mommy says she was a great kitty although she bossed me around. Please tell everyone to give their kitties extra treats and love in Macey’s name.
Love,
Bella
P.S. Why don’t kitties live a gazillion years like people? Mommy is thinking of getting a pet elephant because she heard they live a long time.

Aw, man, I am really sorry about your sister. I know you’re sad, even though she bossed you around.

I know it seems unfair to people that they get more years than we do, but the truth is…we don’t need as many. By the time we’re 1 or 2, we’ve already gotten everything right and all the years we do get are bonus years for the people who care for us. They get so many years because it takes them that long to figure it all out.

One thing a lot of them do get right…they care for us and make our lives easier. Your mom gave Macey a really good life, and I’m pretty sure that counts for a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. Her heart is gonna hurt for a bit, so maybe give her extra cuddles and head bonks. That usually helps a person feel better.

And she might want to rethink the whole elephant thing. Sure, they live longer, but imagine the size of the pooper scooper she’d need to buy. And all the litter…for like 40 years.

Taking it for a walk would be fun, though. She’d be the coolest person in the neighborhood.

Happy 4th of July to my U.S. doods!

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Got a question for me? You can leave it in the comments here, or drop me a line at askmaxmonday@gmail.com

6 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: We’ll Take Toothy Death For $100, Alex…

  1. hi hi hi Max

    its uz from Canuckland again

    Wez wanted to share some info wid de nice nice lady Liv and her senior mama.

    De shelter where mez Sugar came from haz a program called PETS FOR ALICE SENIOR’S PROGRAM

    free dating sites for black older man

    (NHAR stands for New Hope Animal Rescue)

    In de program dey match older kitties with seniors so dey can makes both their lives happy happy…..

    New Hope webbie site says in some of de info:

    The animal is essentially on loan from NHAR. The foster caregiver is responsible for the daily financial care of the animal (food, litter and incidentals). Regular veterinary maintenance is provided by NHAR. If an emergency arises the foster caregiver must bring the animal to the NHAR veterinarian. If taken to any other veterinary facility all expenses will be the responsibility of the foster caregiver.

    The foster caregiver does not choose the animal – we choose the animal from the available/eligible ones in our care at that time. Having said this, if there were a couple of eligible animals that fit the criteria for the program the applicant could choose between those animals.

    A monthly home visit is made by a NHAR volunteer to ensure all is well with the animal and the caregiver.

    Watt do youse tink Max???

    Sew dis be win win win win fur both cat and person. Now wez know dis be in Canada but maybe dere be shelters close by who might offer a service like dis or maybe dey can start one.

    Wez know older kitties have hard time finding a home and seniors need a fur to love and wez hoping maybe more places will tink of doing this type of program.

    love from Canada

    your fans
    Oakley and Sugar

  2. Hiya Max,

    I has a question for you. My human lady is very good to me and I love her, but she’s been doing this mating call lately, she calls it “dating”. I would love to have a Daddy, but how do I help her to find a good one? I’m tired of her getting all dressed up and leaving me, only to come home, hug me, and declare all men are dumb and all she needs are cats. Help me, please!!!

    Emma June

  3. Dear Max….

    Why does kitten snot fly so far and stick to everything? And will it ever stop??

    Kittys of Random Felines

  4. Dear Max,
    As purr usual you were right! We tried out the elephant or should I say smellephant? We rented a nice one just to try it out but we couldn’t even get her through the front door and she missed her family so she went back home. Maybe when the time is right I’ll let mommy get another kitty although it would be a great sacrifice on my part, but as with your brofur it would give a kitty a home. You got mommy to laugh and put warm furballs in the cat sized hole in her heart so I’m very greatful for that. Mommy read me your Nantucket book and I liked it except I was expecting fishy stories since it was about New England, so how come no fried clams or chowda?
    Thank you for your words of wisdom from the bottom of my furryness.
    Love,
    Bella,
    P.S. Do you know anyone who needs a ginormous pooper scooper? It was non-returnable.

  5. I hope you do live to be 100, Max. I’m an old man with three kitties and I look forward to your words of wisdom every Monday.

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