Ask Max Monday: Woof

Ask Max Monday

Max…. Our mom says we are getting new floors. In order to do that she is throwing out some stuff. Are we next????

Nah. She’s just taking the opportunity to cull the unused stuff from her belongings. People do that every now and then, and getting new floors is a good time because they have to move every freaking thing in the house. This is why, despite my people wanting new floors, they have not done anything about it. They’re too freaking lazy.

You’ll get to stay, but you might not like it when all the grunt work begins. It’s like suffering through the M-word, even though you don’t really move. It’s all noise and stuff not being where it should be, and strange people traipsing in and out of your house.

By the end of it, you might wish you’d gone with the thrown-out stuff. But then you get new floors, and that’ll be fun. I hope they’re the kind you can slide on.

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Hey Max if gitting hairless makes you into a babe magnet, how can I git the people to shave my furs? Or should I just arrange for an ooober to drive me to the groomer? I’d reely like a gerlie frend before valentines day. I’d also like to see that nekkid tripper centerfold. Just to be clear, I don’t git the hots for mancats, but I’m curious how I measure up to that big guy. 

Yep, your best bet is to swipe your person’s credit car and get either an Uber or a taxi and go for a fun filled spa-like day at the groomer. Go for the whole package: get your fur shaved, then get a nice warm-oil massage and towel rub-down, and if there’s time, get your nails did. You’ll be super relaxed, and maybe a little cold, but truly you’ll be stunning. The chicks will come running.

You might even want to get a little bling while you’re out. I hear they totally dig guys with ear rings, too. Maybe even a tattoo. A little heart that says “Mom” will make the ladies swoon, and then they’ll ask you to take them out for drinks and what-not.

I’m not really sure what the what-not is, though. I’ve been told since I’m neutered, it doesn’t matter. But it sounds like something I might want to try.

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Dear Max. I was wondering if you have got your letter off to the new Dr to fill the undenyable opening on the show. To my knowledge, as someone who knows someone that is as old as time herself, and yes time is a lady, or at least takes that form, there has never been a feline companion for the Dr. Yes there was that tin pot dog some years back, but never a feline. I think you would be perfect for the par, both talented snarky and undenyably cute. When you get it, what changes would you make to the show, and to the adventures, monsters and TARDIS, which does undergo periodic fashion changes.

I haven’t written any letters yet. I’m still letting her find her footing as the Doctor, and when she does, then I’ll write. But I’m not sure I want to be a companion. When I write, it will be to let her know it’s time for us to get married, because she’s totally going to be Mrs. Psychokitty. She just doesn’t know it yet.

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Deer Max

I has a new brofur, who’s a geezer AND a orinch meniss. He is also deaf. Mommy gets mad at me for playing “sneak attack” because he can’t hear me coming. Why doesn’t she understand THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE GAME! Anyway, what other games can I play with a deaf, orinch meniss geezer?

Dood, you gotta admit, Sneak Attack isn’t a fair game when the opponent doesn’t have a chance of hearing you. It’s one thing to be all stealthy and quiet enough that the other kitty doesn’t hear you, but he CAN’T. That’s why she’s mad. If he could hear and you were just sneaky enough to surprise him, she probably wouldn’t care.

Since I’m an old geezer, too, I can tell you what game he wants to play most. It’s called GET OFF MY LAWN. You have to figure out what he considers his private space to be, and then GET OFF OF IT. The better you get at that game, the more he will like you. And if you master it? Dood, he will freaking LOVE you.

I wish Buddah would play that game with me. But no, he always wants to play Ride Max Like a Pony. I hate that game. Don’t play that game with your new geezer brother. It sucks.

You can also play Tail Swish. This means totally losing at GET OFF MY LAWN because you have to invade his personal space, but he might like it. Get really close to him, where he can see you, and swish your tail in his face. But just barely brush across his nose. It will annoy him, but then he gets to swat your tail, and you both win. Bonus points if you can swish his nose 5 times before he bats at it, and 10 if he misses. That will totally make up for losing at GET OFF MY LAWN.

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Dear Max,

I just turned 19 and wonder why humans are so catty. Life is short for any species to hold grudges. P.S. since you like Amazon affiliates, you might do well with a book I contributed to called Black Cats Tell All.

Yours in furry brotherhood,

Clyde (meow loudly. I’m deaf)

I dunno, I’ve never met a catty person. They’re just not flexible enough and require washcloths to get to their own junk. They don’t sleep enough, and they willingly get into water. Like, every day. That’s just not right.

And the Amazon affiliate thingies you see? Totally not mine. I just work here at Mousebreath when I’m not writing novels and poetry and dispensing advice as a Life Coach. I’m not sure how you go about getting your book linked here, but maybe contact the owner.

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MAX! Is it true your Woman calls you PUPPY? I heard that on FB and I can’t believe it!

Yep, sometimes she calls me puppy. And why not? Puppies are adorable and everyone loves them. I’ve never seen an ugly puppy. They’re always cute. She says she calls me Puppy because I follow her around like one, but I know she thinks I’m cute—she even took a picture of me the other day and said, “Aw, you’re adorable.” As if I didn’t know… But I don’t mind the name because I know what it really means.

To be fair, she also calls me Big Guy, Maxi, and Doofus. But Puppy most of all, and I kinda dig it.

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5 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: Woof

  1. Valentine, you are so right!! It should Not be Gotcha Day. It should be Finally Home Day. Or I Have a Forever Home Day! Or we have Found Each Other Day for now and forever. Let’s all think up a new phrase for this. Us peeps may have saved our furry friends but we did not capture them (as in Gotcha). We found them and saved them from a bad situation maybe, but we did not catch them. We have agreed to live with each other and love each other. Any ideas for the best wording for this?

    I am going towards “Found Each Other Day””. What do you all think?
    Miss Juliea and Patzy

  2. Mew Mew hellos, Max. I wonder why the name “Gotcha Day” is used to refer to the day we kitties get adopted into our furr-ever homes. Shouldn’t it be something like “Adopted Furr-ever Day” or something like that? When I look up “gotcha” online Google doesn’t give it nice definitions:

    I have got you (used to express satisfaction at having captured or defeated someone or uncovered their faults).


    an instance of publicly tricking someone or exposing them to ridicule, especially by means of an elaborate deception

    Max, it seems like the title for a kitties adoption day should include words that are very pawsitive and fun. Don’t you think? Hmm… I think we kitties need to come up with our own online dictionary, ’cause I think the humans have it all wrong.

    Pur purr pur.

  3. Hey Max, sumtimes I haff trubble understand hyooman langwidge. Like, I try to be very polite and win I git on thare laps I present my bakside to them with my tale up so thay kan git a good sniff. And evry time thay tern me around and say, “No buttonface.” Whut’s a buttonface? I don’t ware nuthin with buttons.

  4. You many not have met a catty person, but i’ve met a couple who could hiss and spit pretty well — i try to avoid those if i can.

  5. Max, again, you are totally on your game! However, no kitty really wants a tat or ear piercings. And for people getting new flooring, they need to consider that the outgassing could be harmful for their kitties, since their wee noses are only a few inches from that stuff.

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