Ask Max Monday: Manners Matter

Hey, Max, I have a qweschun. Akshully, three.

We have this room in our house that has a cold shiny floor, the peeple litterbox, and a little room ware water gits sprade on you.

Win the Food Lady goze in thare, she clozes the door. Well, that’s rood rite thare.

So I go and open it, cuz it’s my job to make sure that 1) she duzn’t end up in that small room that sprays water all over yer body, and 2) that the monster inside the peeple litterbox that makes all the noize win yer done duzn’t eet her butt. And 3) sumtimes she just spends so much time in thare I werry that she mite be ded.

So, even tho I am JUST DOING MY JOB, win I brake into the cold shiny floor room, she says, “SKEEZIX! Privacy Please!” But she duzn’t git up. And she usually lets me sit on her lap and cuddle.
So my qweschuns are:

1) Is this one of thoze sichuayshuns that Mr Tasty Face warnd me about ware No means Yes and Yes meens No? And she reely duz LIKE me coming in to the cold shiny floor room?

2) Is it rood for her to cloze the door in my face?

3) Has that monster in the peeple litter box that makes the noize win yer done ever eaten a cat?
Thanks in advanse for yer help.

So many things I must brain upon… Firstly, Mr. Tasty Face is a wise man, it might be good to listen to him once in a while. Not, like, every time he opens his mouth because he is a people after all and you know people…usually they mean well, but holy canoli, sometimes I think that when they sneeze they let loose some brain cells.

Still. Yeah, with the wimmens especially, a lot of the time no means yes and yes means no and “maybe” means oh HELL no. Likewise, “we’ll see,” and “I’ll think about it.” Those three, they always mean no. But man, your head will explode trying to figure out what she wants, so you might as well do what you think is right. And look at your results—she lets you sit on her lap while she ponders the meaning of life and burritos and can there ever really be too much pink?

I’m not sure it’s rude, per se, for her to close the door, but if she does it and your face is right there? Yeah, that’s rude, and she’s lucky you’re even willing to bother opening it to go in and check on her. She should invite you in before she closes it…but dood, if she does, take my word, don’t try to jump up on the giant litterbox thingy before she gets on it or you’ll be facing the fullest moon of your life, and buddy, it will NOT be pretty.

Now, I don’t think the giant litter box monster has ever eaten a cat. It does seem to have a fondness for tiny toys, people jewelry, and goldfish, but it really only eats those things when sticky little people are around. I think that’s because sticky little people don’t put as much poop into it as it would like, so they have to give it offerings once in a while, and on special occasions it requires ritual sacrifice. So if you ever have a sticky person around and there’s a goldfish bowl, hide it. If anyone should eat Flippy, it’s you.

3 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: Manners Matter

    1. altho max iz one uv da smartest catz i know … smartypantz ‘kaika has to be da smartest cat u all time … (and verree hansuum … if u know wut i meen.)
      eksellent anserz max az alwayz.

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