Ask Max Monday: Rats!

Ask Max

I see that you give excellent advice, Max, so I thought I could come to you with my little problem. My sweet cat, Matsui, brings me gifts. I appreciate that and know that he does this because he likes the way I mash his food. Lately, however, he has been delivering ENORMOUS RATS. I am tired of picking them up and “burying” them in my neighbor’s yard. I thought we were ok this morning but I found one in the middle of my yard. What to do?

There are 2 possible reasons he continues to bring rats to you. One–while you mash his food properly–he doesn’t think it’s enough and he is demonstrating proper portions to you. You should try feeding him (and by extension, all the kitties) more gooshy foods. Lots and lots of gooshy foods. But two, he may believe that YOU don’t eat enough and he’s bringing you something he feels is of sufficient size and nutritional quality.

So, you really only have two choices. Feed the kitties more

OR…

…Eat the rat.

I’m pretty sure he wants you to eat the rat. I bet it tastes like chicken.

When I get up and feed my cat early and go back to bed, she expects more food when I get up again just one hour later and won’t stop meowing until I feed her again. Why?

She’s conditioned to feel hunger at a certain time; it doesn’t matter that you already fed her, her brain is telling her it’s time for some noms. To avoid the double feeding, either don’t get up to feed her early, thereby probably making her meow until you do, with the volume escalating in proportion to how long you try to ignore her pleas (and she will know that she has won no matter when you get up) or if you do feed her early, when you get up again later, give her a couple of crunchy treats. That’ll make her happy enough.

Deer Max – How does ME get mine baby meezer brofur to STOP LICKING MINE HEAD? He has BAD BREAF and ME doesn’t want mine head to smell like his dragon breaf. It’s GROSS. It’s not gross when ME does it to him – or mine older meezer brofurs. Orinch kitties haf sweet breafs. (Pee Ess – feel free to correkt mine spelling and stuffs)

Your spelling is just fine. Don’t worry about the grammatical conventions of people (they rarely follow their own rules, after all.)

I used to have a similar problem with Buddah—he always wanted to lick me and frankly, I found the idea absolutely disgusting. He didn’t even have dragon breath. It was worse. He had BUDDAH breath.

So to stop it, I started growling. A really deep, grouchy growl. The kind of growl that says, “Dood, I’mma gonna CUT YOU if you don’t BACK OFF.” You have to narrow your eyes when you do it, because narrow eyes say “I MEAN IT!” Sometimes you have to hiss, too, because a growl and a hiss can make another kitty pee himself with fear. And that’s always funny.

The problem with this method is that it upsets the people and they start pointing their pointy fingers and saying stuff like BE NICE and NO GROWLING, but if it was THEIR heads getting assaulted, you know they’d growl, too. So you mostly have to ignore that part.

Still, if growling just isn’t your thing, next time you see him drinking, take your mighty paw and shove his face under the water. Repeat as necessary. Sooner or later, he just won’t even want to come near you. And then you win!

7 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: Rats!

  1. Thanks Max for answering my question about the multiple feedings.

    My kitty thinks it’s meal time every time I get up, come in from outside, and finish with the shower or house cleaning. When she starts meowing or licking me in the bed, I have to pull the covers over my head.

  2. Deer Max, I have a problim.

    I have spent 6-1/2 yeers purrfectly my litter box tekneek. I plant myself and then I kind of poke my butt up in the air and then I wiggle my hips seeduktivly. The wiggle is my signature moove. And then I pee.

    Well, the Food Lady has bin raining on my purrade by complaning abowt how win my butt is way up hi and wiggling, I kinda git pee evryware but in the litter box. She puts down pee pads but she complanes that the howse is starting to smell like an old fokes home.

    I think it’s rood for her to try to stifle my creativity and put an end to my signature wiggle. In fakt, I think it goze aginst my Ferst Amendmint rites. But she keeps yelling, “BUTT DOWN, SKEEZIX!” to me whenever I plant myself.

    Help!

  3. Thank you for your excellent answer to my question. I am not sure that I will be tasting rat in the near future ( although having eaten in some New York restaurants … I just might have eaten some form of rat unbeknownst to me … but, be that as it may…). I have purchased gooshy food for the boys so let’s see how that goes.
    Yours truly– Matsui’s mom

  4. Thanks Max! ME tried growling but it makes ME feel bad and ME only likes to feel happy. Shoving his head unner water will make ME feel happy – ME will try it!!!

  5. They other kitties iz nawt purrmitted to do any licks or butt sniffing but its totally diffrint if I wants to do that stuff. Why duzn’t other cats pay attenshunz to wat I want? That’s teh problem in teh werld.

  6. HEY MAX IS RITE RATS TASTE JUST LIKE CHIKKIN IXSEPT A LITTUL STRINGY-ER THE TALE IS THE BEST PART I LIKE SUKKING THE MEET OFFA IT WHY DON’T THEY MAKE RAT FLAYVER TEMTAYSHUNS??????

    BUT MAX YER RONG ABOUT NOT FEEDING A CAT WIN SHE MEOWS BECUZ WIN WE YOWL WE ARE STARVING STARVING STARVING AND PROBLY ONLY MINITS FRUM AN UNTIMELY DETH HAVE YOO BIN HITTING THE NIP TOO HEVVY MAX????

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